Why does my boyfriend take it out on me, when I was raped?

October 26, 2014, Taylor, Personal Experiences,

Last summer, me (I am a girl) and 2 very good girl friends of mine went out of the country to a country music festival in America (we are from Canada). We drove down we my two friends and one of their families, as we would all stay and camp out at the site together and so that nothing "bad would happen to us with adult supervision." Yeah right.
The first night we were there, we met up with some of my one friend's friends, 2 boys who were also there for the concert and camping out a different site. Both were very nice and accomodating to all of us, making sure we had drinks and enough water throughout the day so we wouldn't get dehydrated, making sure no guys bothered us, etc. I must stress they were being genuinely nice, not at all trying to sleep with us or get with any of us, etc. The one boy had a girlfriend, and the other saw us as friends and nothing more, or so I thought.

I had recently dropped 25 pounds and hadn't drank all summer, so when I did I was not sure on how much tolerance my body had. Obviously it was not much, because one night I completely blacked out and woke up the next morning (the morning we were leaving) in my tent beside my friends. "Thanks for getting me back safe!" I said. My friend laughed and said I had brought them both on a wild goose chase when they lost me in the crowd, but eventually found me with the boys. And then my one friend broke down and started crying.

I asked her "What's wrong?" And she just claimed one of the boys last night had been a jerk. I agreed and said most boys can be. So we packed up and began the 8 hour drive home.

My friend continued to cry and we kept asking her what he did that was so bad, as I obviously could not remember and my other friend had not been there.

Finally, she turned to me and asked if I remembered anything that happened last night. I said you know I don't. And then she said: "Last night I found you passed out with no pants or underwear, in the boys camper, and you were totally incoherent and couldn't walk, and one of the boys said they slept with you." I immediately began hyperventilating and crying, as I had no recollection of it and he claimed I was lucid and said it was okay. I know and everyone else knows I would never EVER be unfaithful to my boyfriend, and because my friend found me in the state she did, we concluded that it must have been rape. Needless to say the boys are no longer friends and neither is anyone else with him.

Going back home I had no idea how to tell my boyfriend, as we had been having issues and I thought he would blame it on me. So I kept it from him (I know big mistake), but I was overcome with so much guilt and sadness and thought that it was my fault.
When I finally did tell him 2 months later, he fumed and broke a whole shelf, absolutely furious. Now he doesn't ever like it when I drink, go out, etc.

I understand where this stems from as he probably feels guilt that he could not protect me, he told me not to go to the concert, he told me not to drink excessively (at the time I didn't think I was), etc.

Anyways now he is always mad whenever friday rolls around and I want to do something, even with him involved. He claims to not like drinking even though he will jump at the opportunity to drink and party with his friends, but he just wants to sit and stay in and stare at the wall with me.

Is it over? Should it be done with as obviously he isn't getting over it and I can't possibly heal if he's always moody and cranky with me? I feel guilty enough as is.

 

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