when will people see me

June 9, 2015, lynda anne sherlock, Personal Experiences,

All my life i have been invisible to my abusers and even to myself. All my life i had to fight to be heard to be seen and to be just me. I'm always hoping for a better outcome a better future. Today i asked a man a man from college in the hall way to leave me alone and go away because i didn't want to talk to him because he has been abusive in the past and lied to my face. I have been bullying and threatened at college recently and put in a complaint but all in all they didn't keep to the proper processes as the college management keep quoting it back to me. Their behaviour was so abusive today i got an email to say i was going to have a meeting about my complaint but the director of the art department and the tutor didn't turn up. I asked the investigating officer if i could record him on my Dictaphone so their won't be any misunderstanding so we can both be clear on what was discussed because they constantly invade the truth when i challenge them on what they have said and denied it in the past. But he refused saying he wouldn't want me to use a Dictaphone. i said about the things i discussed with him in my first interview to do with my complaint he denied everything so i said it wasn't worth carrying on if i couldn't use my Dictaphone tape so we can be both clear on what has been discussed so their won't be misconceptions..............

i then went back to the main building waiting for my support person who was late i pay for her from my DSA allowance while having my lunch the manger of the support team wanted to talk to me so i said no he has been abusive in the past and would not leave a room when i asked him. He said it was banter when a tutor called me a creep because i went to the library to study at college before my lector. I'm a 47 year old women not a child their my equal but they called it banter and they were very dismissive of the tutors behaviour. Today i asked him to leave me alone the support manger in the college hallway. He went off my support person she was late and i was fed up because we discussed my complaint the week before and other stuff so as i don't trust people i was trying to discuss things with her to day and mentioned it before in my meeting. Her line manager got on the phone and rang her he was in the college canteen just a few feet away then came around the corner asked her to go of with him and talk to her so they did. I still was eating my lunch when they came back and he wanted to talk to me i said i never wanted to have a conversation with him again because he doesn't listen when i ask him to leave me alone or to go away he then said he was going to ask me to leave the building but all i did was ask him to go away and leave me alone the support person was going to speak to me instead which i was fine about it but the manager he wasn't having any of it. He took my support away told her she wasn't going to work with me this afternoon who was supposed to help me in class and with my study and also said i would receive a letter from him in the post he has already taking my mental health support my dyslexic support away to help me at college. I as i said at the beginning I am invisible, i asked him politely respectfully to go away and leave me alone nobody came to my aid not even the support teacher who i pay for with my disabled students allowance as i am studying a degree. Nobody really cares i don't feel safe anymore when i discuss things with others or when i stand up for myself in a none aggressive way or tell people to go away leave me alone that has taken me along time to do but i am invisible and not listen to. This manger has been bullying me through the whole process of my complaint and it wasn't about him it was a different department my degree tutor and the complaint also included my support person staff not the manager who was another man on a Monday afternoon. He wasn't the investigating officer so why is he involve he's been abusive to me on the phone, in a meeting with my mental health worker he's been abusive today and he is allowed to get away with it. My voice is never heard as a survivor of abuse as a child and as an adult why can't others see me why can't my voice be heard and when i say no or ask people to leave me alone to be respected for that. I am nothing because that's what people see a nothing a nobody and in sequential thing. My experiences are nothing just another abuse a different person at a different time i haven't really know any other type of life. I never feel safe anymore when i discuss my problems my abuse or standing up for myself i feel with others around me they use information about me to hurt me and they use what i say against me because last two weeks the support person the new lady kept talking about my complaint etc. so it worries me that others might use my own information against me. Its making me more isolated more wary and not wanting to engage with others. Others bullying me is so soul destroying and makes me so sad and low i have had this type of bullying from child hood, in my domestic violence relationship and frankly i am sick of it. i am a survivor not a victim so why do i feel like a victim all of the time i guess that's why I'm invisible you can treat me abusively at your will.

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