Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

What do I call this?

I have something happen to me twice under almost the same circumstances with the same person. This happened to me with someone that I knew for 6 years. He wouldn't stop when I told him to, I was intoxicated both times so I can see that there would be a part of him that wouldn't think I was being serious, but even then; no means no. I mean, this person was my best friend, so I should be able to trust him, right? I've been blaming myself because I felt like I should have done more to stop it. I do not know how to classify what happened.

I came into town for a break from my full time job and he came over to visit me. I had already been drinking and he knew that. We were talking and catching up when he asked if we could cuddle, that was something that we had no problem doing, we both understood that cuddling releases oxytocin and there was no physical attraction between us (or so I thought). He then started kissing me and I allowed it. He started to feel me up and I told him to stop and I blocked myself but he held down my arms and started to take off my underwear. He got undressed (did not have a condom) and started penetrating immediately. I felt like a deer in the headlights. I didn't know what to do. He covered my mouth so that I couldn't speak. Eventually he gave up, stopped, and left.

My best friend was very charismatic. He's able to charm you in a matter of seconds which is when he apologized for not listening to me, we started to rebuild trust.

About 6-7 months later, it happened again. I moved back home and had been drinking heavily with a friend that came from out of town. I dropped that friend off at a hotel with a car service and then my best friend at the time came and picked me up. He took me to his house where we drank some more and he joined my intoxicated state. He gave me some pajamas, we went upstairs and I fell asleep immediately as my head hit the pillow. I woke up, turned around and his lips were near my ear. He leaned over and whispered "I want to be inside of you", in return, I told him "no, I don't want to do that". He pinned me down once again and did the same thing as before.

He will never gain my trust again. But I still don't know what to call this. I don't like to stumble on things that are behind me but this has caused me to have sexual aversion. I just don't know what to do.


We do NOT give permission for posts to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.



Comments are currently closed.