Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Was i raped ?

I went to a co-worker's house yesterday to have some beers and hang out. We ended up hanging out for the majority of the afternoon until the evening. In that time I had four beers and 2 shots of vodka, I developed the spins and decided to lay in his bed with his permission.

(All of my co workers are close friends, i have slept in most of their beds ( male and female ) on nights of too much drinking or late movies. Our relationships are strictly platonic)

I have had many experiences with excessive amounts of alcohol and I have never blacked out, this night yesterday I did just that.

the last thing I remember was texting my roommate to tell her I was staying at my friend's house to sleep off my drunkenness.

My friend knows I have a boyfriend and that we are extremely dedicated to each other and I'm not interested in relationships outside of the one I'm in.

I woke up at 3 a.m. with a throbbing headache and couldn't fall back asleep, I woke him up being loud when I went to use the restroom when I came back he told me that we had had sex for a short amount of time he estimated 30 seconds, he explained that he woke up and it was happening. He said that he woke up inside of me, essentially.

He also said that I was provoking him with movements of my body towards him. ( while i was blacked out)...

Two oddly conflicting statements IMHO .

he stated that he came inside of me. He then asked me if i was mad at him which i replied to, no.

He provided me with the Plan B pill today. He apologized when he brought the pill to me I didn't say anything and he left.

Last night when this happened like I said, the last thing I remember was texting my roommate good night at 10pm then waking up at 3am. I have no memory of the time in between.

I woke up on the opposite side of the bed that i feel asleep on also.

I'm afraid to tell my boyfriend this happened because I feel like he will blame me for putting myself in this situation by being drunk and being in another man's bed.

Was i raped?

Is he lying or withholding details about what happened ?

Do i tell my boyfriend ?

I told him last night that I wasn't mad at him but today I feel incredibly emotional about the situation, I feel like I was wronged. I just want to know the truth and I don't know how to approach him about that without him lying further,

responses wanted please .


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2 thoughts on “Was i raped ?

  • Katie says:

    I am sorry. You were raped. You could not consent as you were not conscious. You have to be awake and want to have sex to consent. It’s normal to have a delayed reaction of feeling wronged, especially when they act like they are apologising. It sounds to me like maybe he made excuses because he thought you might get pregnant and needed to tell you to get you to take the pill. Unfortunately we can’t rely on men to be honest about rape. It’s up to you about telling your boyfriend but I would hope that you are in a relationship where you can be honest. I would hope that he will understand that you were raped and he can read about consent if he doesn’t. Just because you sleep in someone’s bed doesn’t give automatic consent to sex. I hope it goes well if you decide to tell him.

  • K says:

    I’m sorry this happened. I understand the strange feeling that comes with realising you were too polite and too forgiving at the time, and how that can affect how you feel you are allowed to treat the incident now. But please act how you need to. Tell your partner exactly what happened and he should support you, if he doesn’t he is not good enough. I hope you are doing okay. x