Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse


I have been in an emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive marriage for 20 years! My soul is dying and I am now in the process of getting out. It started out with him always wanting sex and if he didn't get it he would pout, sulk and tell me that" men have needs". It didn't matter how often we had sex or what I did , he would still complain.I found out he was literally watching porn all night and forgoing sleep to do it. He has also taken pictures of me nude and has hidden video cameras to record me nude( without my consent) No matter how many times I would cry and tell him that it makes me feel violated and unsafe he would still do it. His reasoning was " well it turns me on" ! How can something that destroys the trust and feelings of being safe for your wife be a turn on? A few years ago my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I wasn't sleeping at all because I was so distraught so my dr gave me a strong sleeping pill. To make a l g story short, while I was basically out cold , I awoke to my husband having sex with me . He still says he thinks he did nothing wrong ! He has cheated on me at least 3 times, has admitted to trying to make me look crazy in front of other people, tells me everything is my fault, accuses me of cheating,trys to tell me what I can and can't wear and where I can and can't work. I have also never gone on a vacation with him where he hasn't ruined it by freaking out on me about something! No matter what he does, if I get upset , he will turn it around to where he is the victim. He also has threatened to commit suicide if I leave ( I wouldn't mind ) . I have literally lost myself and question if I am even being abused?! I know this is from years and years of being treated this way and told that it's all in my head. This is just the tip of the iceberg on what he has done but it's too much to type. I pray that God gives me the strength to leave soon!


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3 thoughts on “Violated

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We believe you and this is not your fault.

    Women’s Aid and Refuge run a national National Domestic Violence Helpline Run
    0808 2000 247. If you call them, they can help support you. I’ve included the numbers of Rape Crisis below as well. They are also very supportive.

    Please know that this is not your fault. And you are not responsible for your husband’s choices to engage in abusive behaviour.

    Here is some helpful advice from their website: (http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx)

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

  • Natalia says:

    Hi Julie, I think you are amazing to have survived what you are going through, and yes you are being abused, and yes you deserve better, I hope you do get out, but please remember to do it safely. It hurts me to hear you feel that your soul is being destroyed, but I want you to know you are strong, brave and truly amazing, asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it just proves how strong you are, but please please do ask for advice and help from a domestic violence shelter or rape crisis centre on how to keep yourself safe. And before I go I want you to know that you are not crazy, abusers are good at making you think that, but your not, your a warrior, and you will come out on the other end of this, I wish you all the best, BIG HUGS. X

  • Nancy Peden says:

    Hi I have suffered lifetime abuse from first an abusive doctor rather who beat us all bloody and went into his day as a beloved doctor. The whole family’s blamed my mom’s alcoholism but as I now know genetics, I know we all have the same disease, severe mthfr only the abused women got it worst. I married a highly narcisstic man who has made me now homeless and disabled. In the states there is little help. As for this poor woman’s post I highly recommend Kim Saeeds blig, Let Me Reach. I send you my love and best wishes that you reagain your own self. God bless you. You are not at fault. The systems that allow this are to blame. I hope you find help soon.