Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

victim blaming at its worst

I grew up with toxic parents.As an adult,i had to cope somehow with my traumatic memories from my past.As a form of healing therapy,i go to the park everyday.I choose a remote bench and i just sit there and meditate for a few hours a day.Recently,a psychopath is following me everywhere i go.He is terrorizing me and i saw him in front of my window.I talked to a woman and she blamed me and told me that this is all my fault.In her opinion,i'm guilty for coming to the park each day.She said that the psycho has the right to think that i'm a slut looking for sex.After all,i'm single and i'm the one giving him mixed messages.That woman shouted at me as loud as she could.I felt ashamed of myself and humiliated.Am i guilty because i like being single and i love nature? Is it wrong to be a loner,an introvert and not married? She told me that the psycho was mentally ill and so am i because i didn't get married and because i roam the park.She said that a moral woman doesn't do what i do.She accused me of being sicker than the psycho.

The police told that there's nothing they can do until he attacks me.Right now,i have no proof against him.The park is a public domain and he has every right to be wherever he wants.What about prevention? i asked.Why do we have to wait for him to make a first victim instead of preventing it? They said that prevention was entirely my job.According to the police,the law only intervenes AFTER an attack.They told me i shouldn't have put MYSELF in danger and that it was all my fault for bringing this upon me.

I want to scream because i don't get it.Why all that stigma for single introverted women who become victims? Now,society looks at me like i'm a hooker looking for trouble.Whenever i tell people about my situation,they run away in a panick,like i have the plague or something.Their message to me is:"You got yourself into this.Now don't expect to be rescued as you're no longer a respectable woman."

Why all the victim blaming? Why can't people just walk away from me without adding insult to injury? Why is it mandatory to get married and to have a husband to protect me? If i sit on a bench in the park quietly,it just means that i want fresh air and NOTHING ELSE. For god's sake,i'm not interested in men.I don't want any man to approach me,let alone harass me.



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4 thoughts on “victim blaming at its worst

  • elisa hill says:

    It is wrong that you cant be free to live your life without being stalked,it is wrong that the Police are not protecting you.I went to the Police to report being raped 26 years before by my violent ex,the female police officer said ” we cant do anything about this now, but if he threatens or stalks you anymore come back to us and we will help” after a year of him ‘accidently on purpose’ turning up wherever i went,(getting friendly with my friends,turning my family against me) I went back to the Police,and said that he was stalking me and reminding them he had been violent in the past to me, the reason he was my ex!..The same officer as previously,said “we cant do anything unless he is violent to you”….All i wanted was one of them to talk to him, i know he is scared of the Police, it would have stopped him. Repeated visits with every new harrasments were met by indifference and the implication that they had better things to do…after a long life i have no faith in the Police….their was one slight hope, my son is mentally handicapped, and spoke to a community officer about the Ex’s harrasment, she visited me and said that if he bothered me again she would speak to her Saregent and someone would talk to the Ex, but of course when it did happen,she had been moved and no-one knew anything about it,they did send a new community officer with their trainee,(which was all i seemed to deserve), who said to go back to a solicitor,(a letter had been sent, which he took no notice of).So i spent a whole summer locked in my house, the only times i ventured out,just to buy food,EVERYTIME he was there,(just supposedly innocently going about his daily activities), so in UTTER desperation i found a women’s aid solicitor, who wrote him some very strong letters, AND the Police.It worked like a charm, so every time i talk to the Police his name pops up!. It cost me a lot of money,£ 300,i just fear for the women who cant afford this, (i was left some money by my Mum), but the rest of the time i was having to live on benefits,looking after my disabled son, and i am disabled too.My advice to you would be don’t give up, get angry, keep going back to the Police, MAKE them Help you, go to the newspapers, go to women’s aid, don’t let the bad guys win!

  • em says:

    I was told the police that it was my fault as I had to chose to enter the house where I was sexually assaulted. I think that he chose to enter to me not me, so I wonder if they said the same to him? Probably not.
    But anyway people can be dumb and lazy in their jobs, but things have moved on massively. I know in the UK now it’s different. If anyone has had dealing with the police in the past and the case not going to court. Further investigate the reasons why. Who did they take signed statements off? What did they do as part of the investigation. Check with organisations if they were contacted who held key evidence. We know lots were just dismissed as no crime in the past.
    Get the answers. Go to a sexual assault centre, get a caseworker, go to victim support, speak to the cps victim liaison, get support in the way of counselling. There is anonymous reporting now too.
    You can be told if there is something else on the system for the attacker.

  • Suzi says:

    That woman who shouted at you is the one who is as aick as the psycho. You have every right to make your own lifestyle choices and go where you want without being harassed. Even if you did what she said you should have done and got married, your husband wouldn’t be accompanying you everywhere 24/7 so then what? She would have still blamed you for being out and about alone and that is just plain wrong. I thought that there was a law against harassment and stalking so the police should be acting to protect you. I hope that you can get this resolved, best wishes.

    • laura says:

      The woman who shouted at me saw what happened in detail,with her own eyes.She was near me the whole time,as she works at the public toilet in that park.Previously,i had told her a few things about my life,such as the fact that i’m single.After the attack,the police told me that the man had been caught and locked away.Relieved,i came into the park again,happy that now i’m safe.Big surprise! The woman told me that my attacker is roaming free in the park and that he had just been to the toilet an hour ago.Oh,the sadistic joy on her face when she saw me going white in the face and almost having a panick attack.She didn’t stop there.She told me that she had spoken to my attacker herself and that he made a very good impression on her.According to her,i over reacted and i exagerated everything.After all,he did not touch me or insulted me.He just stood on a bench and stared at me and made obscene gestures towards me.In her opinion,that’s not harrassment.I wonder if she would tell her daughter the same thing:that it was nothing to call the police for and make such a fuss about.

      She also told me that he’s not married either and he’s looking for someone serious like me.”He just didn’t know how to approach you.He was clumsy,that’s all”,she said calmly.Practically,she was promoting him.Now i’m seriously starting to think that she was the one who put him on my case and asked him to harass me.Heavy questions are burning in my mind right now.I suspect that she was his accomplice.

      Am i paranoid? Am i making connections that don’t exist? Am i accusing her for my own wild imagination? Or am i on to something?