Too scared to say this to your face!!
So i guess i may as well start with this evening, im at home, front door bolted, back door bolted, all the windows locked, (even though its a warm evening) and im still worried..... why worry you may be thinking, surely your fine, locked up in the house, nothing can hurt you right?
Today my counselor asked me if i feel safe, safe i replied, "i don't even know what that word means"!! I mean i know what the dictionary version of safe means, but that doesn't seem to apply to me, i don't feel safe anywhere, i haven't for a long long time and you have done that to me, im scared to go out, im scared to stay inside, im scared of people, im scared to go to sleep, or even lay down, im scared that people can smell the disgusting stench of you on me, im scared to be touched, sometimes even by my own children, and i hate you for that, i want so badly to tell you how much i hate you, how you have ruined my life, but again, im too scared, im not scared that you will hit me, kick, or punch me, that doesn't even bother me anymore, what does bother me is the fact i have trained my mind not to care, to just except what i thought i couldn't change, don't you feel ashamed of yourself, cause you should!!!!
Today was a fairly hot day, but i looked different to everyone else around me, cause they can wear tops with no sleeves, shorts, pretty summer dresses, but not me, the fact that every part of my body is covered in scars from various beatings over the years is bad enough, but you have told me for more than 20 years how disgusting i am, that im trying to attract other men, that i look like a slag unless i wear clothes that cover me from my neck down to my feet, so again im scared, but not just of what you will say, but that if someone that knows you will see me and tell you!
every time my phone rings im afraid its you calling, then before i even answer im thinking to myself, have i done anything wrong today? have i done something that could make you mad, have i been somewhere you wouldn't be happy about? and all this happens before i even know if its you calling!!!
every time someone knocks my door i get scared, whose there, is it you? is it one of your minions, but it hardly matters does it cause the knock alone is enough to put me into pure panic mode!!!
people have said to me plenty of times, just don't open the door, but that's easier said than done, and you know that don't you, you shout obscenities outside my house, make a spectacle, play music super loud from your car so my neighbors get upset with me, but worse than that you have made me so afraid of the known and unknown that i think its just easier for all round to open the door, all i can think is, he will get angry, it will get worse the next time i see you, so i just open the door. does this make you feel good, does it get you off that im so afraid of you????
we are supposed to live in a free world, but i feel like a prisoner, but the reality is i would have more freedom in prison than i have now! so back to the question... do i feel safe, put simply, NO, and the honest truth is i cant remember a time when i did, and sadly, im not sure i ever will!
A isva at a rape crisis center saw what you did to me once, saw how badly you had hurt me, she asked me what happened, i told her it was ok cause that's just what happens when you fuck me, when she asked me if i wanted that, i told her no, but its not worth the argument to resist, she told me that your not fucking me, that your raping me, this statement of course made me super upset and angry, and still does sometimes, i didn't know why for a long time, but through counseling i have realized its because the word rape is real, its something really bad and i thought it gave me control by saying it was something different, not admitting you had that kind power over me, but as usual i was wrong, it didn't give me any control, you had it all.
when you hit me, force me, or make me too scared to say no, that is rape, its doesn't matter the situation.
Every single decision i have to make gives me a headache, from going anywhere, who i talk too, what i wear, how i punish the children, what the kids wear when you have them, what i feed them, even down to how i clean my home, and then you tell everyone how crazy and incapable i am, when i stutter, get confused, or take so long to answer what are sometimes the most simple questions. oh god i really hate you!!!!
Ive been told by various people that help me, that they are confident that i can have a happy life free from you, i say that its a good job they are confident, because im really not, to me your like one of those bad guys from the movies with these mad super powers, and you have a force field around you that allows you to behave anyway you please without fearing any repercussions, and at the same time sucking all the life and spirit from everything you touch!!
you have this amazing talent for coming across like this amazing suave wonderful guy, and to be honest i really don't understand it, but i want you to know that i see you, i know who and what you are, and trust me, its nothing to be proud of. im sick of making excuses for you, Ive done it for too many years, when you let the kids down, i make excuses, when you hurt me, i make excuses, when your rude to people, i make excuses, well im tired of it, i don't want to to it anymore. what have i ever done that's so bad it would warrant the things you do to me, by no means am i a perfect person, but i no way deserve all the bad things you have done to me, or allowed other scum to do to me, you made me believe for a long time i was worth nothing more than the life i was living with you, but that has to change, i am worth more, maybe not much more, but i should be able to at least go to sleep at night, wake up and not feel sad that i did.
do you have any idea how you make me feel when you do the things you do to me, I cut myself, sometimes just to feel, to feel something different to what you make me feel, sometimes just so i can bring myself back into the now, and not be in that bad place i at times find myself.
you always to tell people that im a fat bitch, a bad mother, lazy c..., a slag, and a dirty whore, i told my counselor that and she asked me if i believe those things and i told her it didn't really matter if i did or not, but now i think it kind of does matter, one of the rules in my home is that all mirrors are turned around to face the wall unless being used, but then must be turned back to face the wall, our children never question this rule because its all they know, its just something that you do as far as they're concerned, but its not is it, but the truth is, i hate to see myself, my own reflection makes me feel sick, and to be honest kinda sad, do you know what it can do to a person to be triggered by their own reflection, to be repulsed by the very body they have no choice but to live in, and can never escape.
i really fucking hate you, and i don't feel bad saying it, but i hate myself too, i hate that i wasn't strong enough to stand up to you, and i hate that im still not! Im sad that at 14/15 years old, no one loved or cared enough about me to take me away from you, im sad that i can no longer have my best friend in my life, the one person who knows me inside out, the one person that i can just be me with, the one person who knows everything about me and still loves me, all because of what you said you would do.
Im sad because im too scared to live, to laugh, to smile, or to enjoy anything, just because im concentrating so hard on what you might do next, and because i cant afford to let my guard down, most of the times when i do force a smile, its to make other people feel better, or comfortable.
i never go anywhere without my music and headphones and wearing my sun glasses, when i play my music so loud, it unconsciously lets other people know i don't want them to approach me or talk to me, i used to wear sun glasses to hide bruises, or black eyes (i still do at times) but they are kind of like my protection from the outside world, i don't want people to see me, they kinda make me feel invisible, and that's how i like to be, (i wish i was invisible to you too though!).
i hate when people look at me, i don't want anyone to know that im no longer a person, not a decent person anyway, i feel like the best way to describe myself would be a shell, because i don't think you can be a real person if you don't have a soul, i have no soul anymore, you murdered it, i used to wish you would kill me too, i wasn't scared to die, i probably would have thanked you at one point, because death would be more peaceful than the life Ive been living with you in my life. i still don't fear death as much as i fear you, but i don't want to die. i used to keep suicide as an option, (anything to get away from you) i though it was the only thing in my life i could have the ultimate control over, but i now realize its not, there are other options, yes they are scary, and sometimes i want to give up cause its too hard, but you know what, today, im stronger than yesterday, and today im not gonna give up. There were four words i couldn't even say when talking about myself before i started counseling, because i thought these things made me weak,stupid and pathetic;
I still don't like these words, and they are difficult to come to terms with, but they don't make me weak and pathetic, they make you weak and pathetic, you raped me, you abused me, you controlled me, and you groomed me, when you could have just loved me, you had to make me fear you, you had to have power over me, and how hard was that really when at my young 14 years old you were 33, your not a man, your an evil bastard, and i hate you. I may not be at my strongest yet, but i will get there, and maybe one day i will be able to say all these things to your face, but Ive come pretty far to be able to say these things at all.
I MIGHT BE THINK I HAVE HIT MY LIMIT, AND I MIGHT THINK I CANT GO ON, BUT I HAVE A TEAM OF STRONG WOMEN HELPING ME, AND LETTING ME KNOW THAT I CAN GO ON, THAT YOU ARE NOT GOD, AND THAT I DESERVE BETTER. AND ONE DAY I WILL GET IT!!!!!