this is what domestic violence is all about
tonight I saw two documentaries on domestic violence and it saddens me and it made my emotions escape and the pain that I carry deeply in my heart. Emotions feelings that are hidden buried deeply are then pathologiesed by the professionals as not emotionally regulated person when in fact I ve been trying hard to contain them because of the harm I received and the pain I ve received by the professionals. Domestic violence doesn't discriminate it can happen to anybody man women and child.
Your in a relationship that is so destructive that you often don't realise what is actually happening to you because of the manipulation and gas lighting affect on your psyche. Then your told by mental health professionals no it didn't happen its all in your mind that your to emotional. Well in fact anybody would be emotional if their been trying so hard to keep things together to navigate through a toxic relationship and no where to turn to because professionals have labelled you as difficult but then what happens that they knew 4 years before you went to the professionals to get help and they turn your back on you because they already labelled you and told you that you lied its all in your head but in one report it said you were telling the truth all along and they knew in 2006. When nothing is private anymore nothing so when your emotions over spill out because you feel the womens pain because you have been through similar pain yourself its good to cry its good to let it out. Because being lock inside is not helping oneself but when nothing is private and emotions you are able to let go then your judge or people worry but if its letting go I say its healthy because crying is good for you.
The emotional pain is real and it lets you know that is ok to cry and let go because its another blockage another part of your body that has overcome and let go of the emotional baggage that can happen if its locked inside of you which happens in a DV relationship who become a robot and your like your an autopilot.
My DV does not define me it was one part of my life experiences that had happened to me its still hurts at times and sometimes my emotions become an overspill but that is healthy. Though its a negative experience that I went through its also empowered me to aim higher for getting a better education and moving forward. Nothing in life is always positive we all have to go through struggles experiences that can make us or sometimes breaks us for awhile but then we learn and move on.
The negative parts of my experience and the hurt that I feel from my ex the lies and how some of the professionals towards me still hurts today but life carries on.
Their are many people in life who struggle who go through horrendous experiences sometimes life changing experiences and they get through and move forward. Sometimes its are selves stopping ourselves moving forward and sometimes its other people. I have no hate towards my ex he is dead to me I don t mean him no ill but he means nothing to me and I felt this even before he moved out because for a year before he left I asked him to leave but he wouldn't. The only good thing of our marriage was the children and I thank him for that. But he has hurt me very deeply and the emotional scars I still live with and struggle on a daily basis.
I am glad that I am I a strong individual and survived are relationship and afterwards.
S you abused me sexually physically emotionally financially psychologically for 16 years of our marriage and beyond till I took you to court. Tonight the thing that struck me of the documentaries they were talking about the early warning signs and I though about them and yes their were many warning signs and I didn't listen or do anything about it. I have no more words to say to you except you caused me so much harm pain and nearly destroyed my life and our children's life but we will all survive and move forward and their love that I have for our children I will support them and guide them through. Steve you have never ever took responsibility for anything in your life you blamed your parents your mum me our children for your life but actually we all have to take parts of negative things we have done in are relationships and own it and be honest.
You hide behind the secrecy and blame me for are relationship I know that I was not always the best wife and mother but I tried you controlled everything and I could not breathe or even do things that would help me become a better person or even go to uni.
You made sure that others would not believe me and even hate me when I tried to tell them the truth and even now people wont tell the truth and my pain just carries on and on because of your lies and hate for me. You once threatened me that you would tell people the truth what truth that I have a quick temper people know I already tell people I don't hide it or that you threatened me about the children and you were going to hurt me that you did hurt me S you hurt me that last time you came back and hurt me you took as if it was your right S you took as if I was a piece of meat underneath you S you took because you knew nobody would believe me. Because you manipulated others to believe I was the abuser and I was crazy S that hurts more than anything more than anything because since then I have had to fight to believed and to be heard because of your lies your hate and your abuse to me and our children.
S will you ever tell the truth or hide behind respectability and tell others that your ex wife is crazy a bitch a whore or a psycho because that is often what you called me or just lie and lie to keep the pretence up but then your protected by others more powerful than I will ever be. So S will you hide behind the lies that you've sewn or will you stand and face me and tell the truth and the hurt you have caused me I used to think it was because of me it was my fault it I was only a good wife if I wasn t to depressed if I wasn t physically if I if I but I should not have to think of that if I only because no matter what I didn't deserve what you did to me I didn't deserve to be raped I didn't deserved to be hit to be strangled I didn't deserve to be tide to a bed I didn t deserved to be drugged I didn t deserved to be emotional abused and called names I didn t deserved to have no money and the bills not paid I didn't deserved to be blamed by others for you abusing me I didn't deserved to be held down by you I didn't deserved to scared of you I didn't deserved to not feel safe in my bed at night I didn't deserved to ve be be humiliated and belittle and put down by you I didn't deserved to wake up and you had cut your arms up I didn't deserved to laughed at by your friends on the phone and called a psycho I didn't deserved to have people come to our home when they were uninvited so you could smoke hash when are kids where small I didn't deserved to have no card for mothers day of our children I didn't deserved to have no birthday card or present of the kids I didn't deserved to have no Christmas present because you decided to spend it on dope I didn't deserved for you to bring men into our home who I did not feel comfortable with and were negative about women I didn't deserved to go to sleep at night and wake up being raped I didn't deserved to get up in the morning and their is blood on our bed and I sat scrubbing myself in the bath tears streaming down my face I didn't deserved this no women men or child deserves this you made me feel not safe S you made me not safe at night in the day when I walk the street S because you thought it was ok to violate my body when ever you like because I was married to you S well its not your right it was never your right to take what was not yours just because I was once married to you you violated me humiliated me treated me like I was a piece of meat that you could do as your will well it was not right never was S it was never right you thought you could come back to hurt me again and again and take was you wanted I was never yours S I am nobodies except my body is mine and nobody else to be able to violate me to take it and use it at their will. So you S you never have owned me maybe one but no more you will never own my body my mind my spirit my soul never ever will S because I don't belong to anybody except myself. I have accepted me warts and all S the good the bad and the ugly the things that you despise my honesty and integrity you will never have because that has always been with me and nobody can ever take them away. So you might hate me but I don't care anymore because I love me you tried to take it away but I have found myself and you might still be in my head for now but I will fight it hard to not listen to you because I am strong and will survive and live again.
We do NOT give permission for posts to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.