The Games People Play
when professionals play games to see you react they forget that things can trigger you when you've been through any kind of abuse. I hate my anger and i'm such a reactionary person when i'm triggered and i also take responsibility for my behaviour. So why do professionals play games especially when DV is involved with each partner i ve been made to feel like a criminal im not trying to play a victim i want people to know what its like to go through what i went through and become the survivor not the victim oh poor is me.
Which i am grateful for my life my talents the people who are trying to help me im trying to make sure i dont round the victim circular again and move forward. We all judge we all hurt we all get angry we all are shamed we all get sad so why judge a victim or blame them when actually they blame and shame themselves more than anybody else. The whole system slowly gets better but still their needs a lot more improvement. Why i look at myself and think through on my own behaviour and i could of handle things better but i didnt sadly at times i was floundering in how to deal with the person who i loved who hurt me so much. The anger was hidden not deeply on the service because i kept everything back and twice i had to leave the home to travel to London because i was in so much distress and hurt anger and in pain. I even then was trying not to play the victim but i was trying to get to uni so i could work but slowly my self esteem was being eroded by being called psycho fat bastard knowing that i didn t love me and hated myself and had no self worth. How many times i wanted my ex not to hurt me nor did i want to shout back or make our home a war zone for our children they told they used to sit down while they heard us argue. Why do we forget what it must feel like for the kids when once out my ex called me horrible names and i left them in town i was always blamed because of mental health when you tell your ex to leave and he doesnt go or when i divorced him he recently lied in court that saying he instigated the divorce proceedings pr that he did everything making out stuff ect. i constantly blamed for everything when in fact i have to say and take the responsibility for things in the marriage i did to and have written about that before. Knowing my depression had an affect in my marriage knowing and have always said im hard to live with so why do i always get the blame when he comes across much better it hurts so much.
He s done the same thing through our marriage and blamed me. Sadness when i was in my worst mental health crisis i was in hospital sectioned and he overdosed on me and collapsed at home on the phone and i wasn t allowed home or that he threatened to kill himself with an other patient on a different ward and was asked to leave the ward. People constantly looked always at my mental health my stability my mind when i moved to to the north west S was always looked at as my carer i didnt want a carer i wanted an equal relationship boundaries respect love honesty and accountability for each others behaviour. Again it was always about me it takes two in a relationship not just one person but two i ve never heard S said sorry to me at all never in are marriage i apologised to him constantly. Nobody is perfect in any relationship but constantly i was blamed blamed by the police the LA mental health the police have been on my twitter again and what to keep blaming me the games they play to see me get upset or angry. Why are the police allowed to play games like this its wrong look i know im not perfect i know i have negative behaviour in my personality so does everyone so why am i shamed and blamed for having negative behaviour. i tried to address this everyday the way i react the way i say things the way my life is. I m often so angry about this and often feel ashamed when i lose it i wish i didnt react this way when people can say or do things that i think is unkind. I wish i had a different relationship with Merseyside police force i wish it was more positive we ve both reacted to things which if we had more communication things would not have gone this far.
So i m blamed again for my DV and for reacting to way my partner behaved and then my mental health comes into question. Why does my mental health comes into question but not his how does that work we both have negative behaviour but im the one being looked at im blamed for my children disclosing abuse and then my mental health has come into question when they both disclosed and made out im lying but the professionals are calling my children liars to.
i know that my police force hate my guts and how do you try to change the way that you react to their behaviour when its never been questioned or challenged but your behaviour has your reaction to it.
When you feel so alone knowing you ve tried to get help for your kids and your self from 2010 and they refused to help your kids and then you stand and challenged that and your mental health is again questioned and your called a liar. Why can professionals behave like this when all you want to do is say why do you want to destroy me and my life because you dont like my reactions or challenging you.
Am i not allowed to feel or get angry or sad or feel hurt am i supposed to be a robot and take it just sit their and take others crap or am i supposed to think ok abuse me at your will.
i at this in pass where i dont want to be reactionary victim going around in circles i want to move forward to have respectful boundary led equal relationships. Not for people to play games constantly open honest relationships. Where we are respectful of each other were we listen i struggle with this i jump in all the time. So why am i here because my abuse what i went through even though their was evidenced they believed him and shrinks they doctors have more power to destroy an others life. When will people listen to people in mental health instead a doctor again doctors have allowed to damage my life say things which are not true. When your children are refused helped every child in need meeting ever six weeks your advocate advocated for your kids at it was refused you had no other support. For a Local Authority to keep refusing the kids support with my local police force when i went into the professionals standards department and ask them to stop bullying let me get on with my life i was bullied more. i rang to ask them to leave me alone actually i wanted them to be able to do their job as police officers not safeguarding a person suffering from mental health distress. Their not trained i was refused help for three years from a mental health trust even had a solicitor and barrister fighting my corner but it was refused.
i wanted them to do their job their paid for because they hated and resented me safeguarding me because i would get upset with the bullying and rant off. All i wanted was to be heard and be believed and all i got was resentment hate anger more bullying more anger more hate and actually its not getting them to do their job they are paid to do so they get pissed of and i get angry and distressed. Then again the circle going round and round more anger more hate more distress round and round more resentment never stopping.
So this is where im at an in pass with my local police force and no way of knowing where this is going to end. Once they were trying to help me and then they started to resent that and i wanted them just to do their job and leave me alone. When i look back at my mistakes i fell in love with the wrong man i didnt like myself had no self worth no self confidence my moods were low all the time i at times didn t want to live i do now i started to love me slowly i ve accepted all the parts the ugly the negative the good parts and process want my life has been like i took have to say i wasn t good in that relationship two people who were messed up equal relationships are about acceptance and empowerment.when someone doesn t want you to be yourself and able to do things like cooking housework it takes away your self esteem and makes you powerless to be able to say i want to do that even when i did cook i was criticised everything i did wasnt good enough and i felt not good enough he made me feel worthless. To teach my ex how to cook and made to feel worthless made to feel never good enough to fat to crazy to ugly. To be made to feel worthless that you were not pretty enough thin enough that you were nuts to be laughed at by his friends to be called a fat psycho because of your mental health. To be made to feel guilty unclean dirty ashamed and i didnt know how to deal with my feelings like this i kept everything in and became more depressed as like i dont care what you do anymore i dont care whether i lived or died i wasnt living i was a robot living an existence walking around not really their didnt care anymore about myself my life all i wanted was for it to end the abuse i wanted it to stop i at this time in my life didnt want to be here anymore i just wanted to be out and die. This man i loved wasnt the man i fell in love with this man didnt love me this wasnt love it was abuse and pain. When i confronted him when i got a bit stronger he bit his lip and wouldn't look at me he put his gaze to the floor. When the relationship is toxic not healthy on either side because i would react to him and how he was treating me it wasnt love it wasnt anything it was just an existence. AT times i would sit in the bathroom scrubbing my body because i was dirty shamed and silent tears would come down my face and the pain emotional distress i felt was their if anybody could see address but nobody i try to tell but i wasnt believed. When you sit their and wonder is this it is this how life my life was going to be for ever i didnt want to face a day be around others bed was the easy option to hide away just close of my depression i guess was their always had been their since i was 12 it was easier that face what was happening. When shame hits you and you cant express the pain the sadness the depression the darkness all around you the negative racing thoughts you hide the pain and put on a mask to hide their distress i was in. You see a shrink who really could give a toss whether you were their or not she wasnt interested in anything i said. Another person who just gave lip service and at the end of the day who gives a toss about another mental patient nobody really did. My shrink did not like me i was powerless i had nobody accept S nobody i could turn to no friends or family i was isolated powerless sad angry hurt ashamed dirty unclean and nobody i could turn to. i can t cry at the moment i ve cried so many tears over this man even in court i was still scared of him the power he had over me
i still felt powerless still a scared frightened person.
When you have nobody to turn to nobody to ask is this normal in a relationship is this love is this the way a relationship should be i didnt know and didnt know who to ask. The sex wasn t loving i felt used dirty ashamed and it hurt alot i was dry often and he like anal sex. i didnt but my no s were never heard when we started out in our relationship he had a relationship with a male before me so i wasnt to sure if he was bi sexual. i didnt have many relationships before with boy friends or any proper relationship so i was not experience in having boy friends not long terms i was insecure low self esteem had no self worth and he took notice of me he was kind he listened and he was funny the night we met in a pub with his mum and her girlfriend we went out for a drink on a friday night.He came back to my flat and we talked listened to music i played Lady in red and we danced. He talk about his family i talked about mine he told me that first night that he his family had chucked him out he eventually lost his job and became homeless he was on drugs gas glue alcohol and he went in search for his biological mum who lived in London. Where how i met him his mum was going out with my friend. He told me that he was sleeping on her sofa he told me nobody trusted him and that he had been abused. i wanted to give him a chance i wanted to show him i could trust him so i gave him my spare set of keys and i was at a therapeutic community in Richmond called the Cassell Hospital and he started living in my flat straight away. i was to trusting not really having relationships before i was also messed up emotionally and psychologically about my childhood and i was too depressed and anxious at that time. S was still on drugs and alcohol but he was also doing gas glue and self harmed in a big way i ve always was into helping and rescuing others sad to say and i wanted him to know i could trust him with my flat with my life. He was charming funny i bought him clothes gave him money for drugs i stop going to the therapeutic hospital and became pregnant and then had an abortion. i was judge everywhere he didnt want to help me make that choice so it was a choice i made and i was judge by loads of people because of it even got thrown out of the Mormon church because of it. S mum said i could have the baby and give it up to her and her girlfriend in fact S mum already gave her first child up for adoption.
S mum left S at 4 years old and went to live with her best friend X who then became S step mum both loved to drink and take drugs and S didn't know that X. was not his real mum till the night they kicked him out of the family home.
Looking back i was gullible not really looking at the signs really didnt know what to look out for accept i wanted to know that i could trust him and wanted to help him but im not that powerful and i cant help anyone really only myself and i cant change anyone accept myself.
S i dont know when you hate and dont like yourself the night we got married before then i had doubts i wasnt sure if he was gay bi sexual but he said that he was experimenting one of. We married and i was insecure about my weight the way i looked and the night the evening he confessed and said that he fancied his mothers girlfriend L i was devastated and felt not good enough even though i had just got married.
S after we got married ended up being admitted to hospital and they diagnosed personality disorder his mum didn't want to take responsibility for him or look after him. So he came to live with me. i then gets kicked out of the Mormon church for him moving in with me and having the abortion. Our friend killed herself after the abortion it was so sad and i remember her still and miss her ever day.
S was still self harming drinking and drugs i was very depressed and we just carried on his Nan was dying of cancer and just before she died i was taken in as a voluntary patient and then sectioned two weeks later for the worst depressive episode of my life and then S overdosed. Looking back our relationship was to complex both been abused both had mental health problems both insecure both outlook on life was different experiences i never wanted a carer i was supposed to have the kids go to university he wanted to stay at home and let me get a degree and have a job that what he wanted to do. i went along because i wanted a degree but he wanted for me to go out to work and when i was ill through the pregnancies and after with H. But the plan was for me to study then get a job he never wanted to work he said he wanted to have the kids and me to get a job. i think S didnt want to work didn t want to be a carer but also when we lived in London he wanted to experiment straight away with the sex he bro owed a camera from T a friend of ours and wanted to do a porn video i wasnt keen on it and said i didn t feel comfortable with this but it happened no the less. i hated watching myself on television it was degrading and uncomfortable and i didn t like this at all. S when you not comfortable with your body and your in a relationship and their is one more dominate than you in your sexuality he inserted things and did things that were degrading and i never said no at first till i told him i wasn t comfortable with this till i said no but then it was ignore my no s were not being heard i was not being heard by S.
Having a mental health problem both people with their own needs especially in the relationship i was depressed all of the time S was drunk and stoned and when i had my biggest depressive episode S couldnt cope and then he came into my ward rounds and he i guess resented that and was seen then as a carer i didnt see him like that he was my husband he was charming he didnt have friends when i met him the friends before he came to London had been homeless and on drugs. While i on the other hand on and off to going to the mormon church. I guess getting all the support and he didnt get any really for his mental health must have been difficult. Slowly i stopped seeing friends slowly did everything with S isolated even then both of us in London he did make a few friends at his mums pub but all they wanted to do was get stoned. My friends i stopped seeing them and we just had each other which wasnt healthy at all and when i was in hospital. So S and I became inseparable we did everything together it was hard to be an individual we hung around with people who loved partying and getting off the faces. We both started college but he stopped going hung around the flat and got wasted i stopped going but took an exam at the end of the course. His mum s girlfriend and his mum was in a DV relationship and my first Christmas pregnant with my son his mum broke her jaw. Slowly before i got pregnant with Josh the sexual relationship change he wanted to experiment more like blind folding me it was often stoned and drank and it was scary and felt really uncomfortable i couldnt see anything and he tied my hands and legs to the bed it was scarey i cant explain it i felt powerless and not in control. We had visit anne summers in Tottenham court road i just went in and was shy because of not feeling comfortable with this kind of thing we bought some stuff. im trying to make some understanding of why it went all wrong but i guess it was in the first few weeks of our meeting my younger sister and her husband to be were in my flat. We went to bed in my flat and S and i were on the bed and i had been drinking orginia bottle and he inserted inside my vagina that is were all began in the first few week of our relationship thats when i didn t care about myself and did not love me and i let this man do this to me we had not been together that long it was like i had no self worth no self respect and i didnt care. That was the thing i hated me and i let this man insert things into my vagina and i didnt care. I slowly eroded my self esteem and myself respect for me after that i let him do what ever because i hated me.
When you let the person you love you do those kind of things to you it was not love it was degrading this man did those things and i let him i married even though he put things into my vagina before i got married i had no self worth and i slowly let him do those and many other things to me. Why i dont know i thought being in a relationship would help me and be different. im not allowed to talk about this because my story isn t allowed to be told im constantly being not believed but all i'm doing is telling my experience as it is what happened how i felt about me him our relationship and make some sense of it all instead of going around my head because its stuck in my head and im trying to get it out to move forward.
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