Thanks for kicking me while I was down
Not so long ago I was with a man and refused to have sex with him, so he violently raped me. It was quite possibly the WORST rape I've ever experienced in my life. It was so brutal.. and I could barely walk. I never go to the doctors for any injuries I may get, i just suffer with the pain, because in a weird way I find that easier. But this pain was like no other. The only way i can try explain it is imagine someone repeatedly kicking you down south.. times a billion. The blood was running down my legs and that's when I knew.. I had to go and get myself sorted out.
When I explained my situation to my dr she instantly judged me, patronised me, made it out that I wasn't all there in the head and that I was being a drama queen and turned it around on me. According to her im just an attention seeking, unstable girl who shouldn't have agreed to see that man in the first place. I use the word unstable because she saw that i had some scars on my arm and gave me that "look" of "oh..just another depressed teen" when actually, some of the scars are from what men have done to me and yes, some are self inflicted. But i think did I really deserve that to happen to me? Why was it all of a sudden my fault????? Because I led him on? Because I flirted? Because I had some alcohol? (AND even if I did any of these things how the hell does that give someone the right to hurt me like that??!)
If she had spoken to me like a human being, didn't judge me and was patient I may have opened up to her. I may have been completely honest about everything. I may have taken the first step to get support with my situation. And if she had taken the time to really understand then she would have learned that I only end up in those situations because of my boyfriend. Our relationship is bad and he is abusive towards me and makes me sleep with men because he gets money out of it. Basically, just think of me as an escort... and I know in societies eyes I'm a whore.. but I don't do this all out of choice. And with that particular man,I was not prepared to sleep with him.. he was so old. I haven't wanted to sleep with any of the men I've had to sleep with but with this man there was something about him that scared me. But sleeping with me was a part of this package deal. But I did not want too. Not that it mattered.. because these men think because they "book" you, you belong to them and I have no power over what happens from the moment I enter a room with them. Men who buy sex are just as bad as abusers. So I guess what he was thinking was I want my moneys worth so I will fuck you as hard as I want..because you're here to provide a service for me.
I may have slept with a lot of men but that's only because of the difficult situation im in due to my relationship. And i know people must oh you dirty slag just like my dr does. But am I really? Or am i just a girl whos stuck and just needed someone to listen to me and just care. Even if it was for 5 minutes. And can I just say.. an actual escort/sex worker etc HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY NO TO A MAN. IT'S THEIR BODY AND IT'S THEIR CHOICE. JUST LIKE IT'S MY BODY AND MY CHOICE. I DON'T CARE IF I'VE SLEPT WITH A 10 MEN OR 1000 MEN, THAT DOESNT MEAN BECAUSE OF THAT I DESERVE TO GET BRUTALLY RAPED!
"Consensual sex" is just sex. To say that implies that there is such a thing as "non consensual sex", which there isn't. That's rape. That is what it needs to be called. There is only sex or rape. Do not teach people that rape is another type of sex. They are two very separate events. You wouldn't say "breathing swimming" and "non breathing swimming", you say swimming and drowning.
I didn't end up getting any help. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I got the blame for getting raped.. well, in her eyes I don't think she even took that seriously..so I'm not even sure what she even thinks happened to me. All I know is that I wasted her valuable time.. i was so humiliated, shocked and upset by her comments towards me that I just went back home, where it all got brushed under the carpet and I got a bollocking from my boyfriend for not "cooperating" with a client!
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