Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

still not being believed

Hi I've posted here a couple of times the pain tonight I can't described how I've been treated by my local police. Along time ago I gave a statement to my local police on the domestic violence and rape of my husband to myself. I was never believed because of a local psychiatrist after four years of fighting to be believed going through a complaints procedure to having a report written from the hns ombudsman saying I did go through domestic violence and had been raped. I then had to go through documents being hidden at the local authority social services and lucky I had my own copy they had said they couldn't t find their copy paper work or on the computer but I had a meeting with my advocate and they took a copy of my original paperwork which they took a copy after five days they phoned up saying they had the copy on computer all the time. Before this they were supposed to change the copy of what the psychiatrist said but they didn't they sent me a wrong copy in the post and when me and my advocate had a meeting the guy from the complaints department said these copies our not the same because I had the original they sent me 2 years before. Then they again after that meeting again sent me the wrong copy of the amended reports and the shrink said some really cruel things about my child which didn't have anything to do with my complaint or what she was supposed to change in her comments about my ex abusing me. From then on the local social services have taken it out on my children and myself by refusing my children care by telling lies to other organisations and being abusive and bullying me to keep my mouth shut. I even have a letter about the officer who was so unkind to me when I reported to the police after he said I harassed him which I didn't do he really hurt me said some unkind things and he didn't believe me I was so so hurt for awhile I did not want to live because of this police officer and the emotional pain that he put me through,

So for me to go to a police officer again it took me courage and trust which I don't have anymore I gave a statement to the police who showed respect kindness care about historical child abuse, I felt that I could trust them again but I recently in march and February rang the officer and give him my brothers number in Australia the police officer wasn t in so I gave it to a colleague tonight the police officer said he never got the number then he said they are not doing anything more with my investigation of historical child abuse he even said that what my mum did wasn't as bad as their other pertrators so mum getting on top of me at 15 and toughing me when she was drunk doesn't amount to much or that she had a knife at my throat at seventeen my younger sister was in the room when it happened I thought she could have killed me and I had to leave home weeks later to move to London. Doesn't it constitutes that I been dragged across the floor by my hair kicked in the face and stomach from an earlier age and my neighbours looking on in the street when I was seven years old what about a heal of a shoe in my face or being kicked of a bus in London when my older sister came to visit with my mum for the day because she didn't like what I said to her and I just walked away. what is that then violence and abuse again and again or when she visited another time and punched and kicked me in the face in London and my younger sister looking on just because its not sexual abuse its abuse. I CAN NAME SO MANY INSTINCES BUT I GUESS THEIR NOT INTERESTED IF IT;S NOT SEXUAL ONCE SHE SEXUAL TOUCHING ME. I guess physical psychological abuse does not come into it.

Last Friday I rang the police on 101 to AGAIN REPORT WHAT MY HUSBAND DID the officer on the phone said their wasn't nothing on that address about my complaint in 2011 even though I have a letter from the chief Constable at that time saying about my statement about my husband. So where is my complaint gone on the address I use to live at or his date of birth people have told me the local authority and the police work hand in hand together, But I have read that police officer take an oath of integrity and honesty to uphold the law I cried myself to sleep on Friday afternoon because to me I m another rape statistic another tick box they never really wanted to investigate my rape again why didn't they say TO ME then they hated me and didn't believe me. I DON;T HAVE FAITH NOW IN ANY POLICE OFFICER AND IF I WAS RAPED AGAIN TOMORROW OR ATTACKED I WILL NEVER REPORT TO THE POLICE OR EVER SPEAK ABOUT WHAT I WENT THROUGH. What was the last five years for going through the complaint procedure, the parliamentary report the behaviour of the professional my health has suffered because of it my children can't get help because of social services they have bullied me humiliated me in meetings lied made me feel worthless hidden documents colluded with other professionals in meetings said some really cruel things to me. called me a liar about domestic violence and after two years in a child protection meeting they acknowledge domestic violence. In that same meeting a police office after I complained about how I had been treated in a meeting about the police and turn around and said : well you were asleep when your husband was touching your daughter" I have failed my daughter and they all loved it going around the room blaming me about my daughters abuse. My local police hate me they never really want to investigate anything because I felt that some police officers didn't want me to talk about what I went through and how they had treated me because I went to the IPCC because they didn't believe me then. I have been bullied because of the parliamentary ombudsman and the recommendations nobody enforced and the local trust and my name as been blacklisted as well as their children. When you feel like your the most hated person where you live from the local authority social services the police and the nhs you feel so alone and isolated and they can do anything because they have all the power I have none they can behave badly but they say oh she s crazy I have no more faith in any human beings. When a police man say's to you I know what kind of women you are because of what your husband told me, I felt he was saying I was a slapper and I am not that kind of person I have been made to feel a worthless disgusting human being by professionals who lied and cheated and bullied me so I wouldn't speak about the truth they have made me feel I am a nobody a nothing and that I have no integrity and honesty but I do I am honest and I do have integrity. Tonight I am so alone I will never trust another human being ever again

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3 thoughts on “still not being believed

  • natalie says:

    Lynda, i am so truly truly sorry for what you have been, and still are going through, you have been failed terribly and i can 100% relate to your situation, but some advise i will give you is, don’t distrust everyone, there is help out there, sometimes it takes a long time to find it, i lived with an abuser for more than half my life and was failed by so many, i withdrew and accepted, cause it was just easier, it still is sometimes, but its no way to live, you deserve so so much better than that, and so do your children, the police, and social care also failed me and my children, and because of those failings, i stayed silent, its only quite recently i have started to open up to certain people that do care, that do believe, and do help me and my children.
    i don’t know where you live but there are places you can get counseling, and other practical help, rape crisis centers, or domestic violence places, crasac, and Coventry haven are amazing, and to be honest the only people i can talk to and feel safe, believed, and not be made to feel like im over dramatic, crazy, or a basket case, be kinder to yourself and know that you deserve help, and a chance to start healing, i believe you, and your not to blame for the horrendous things that have happened to you, please believe that. i know when things happen it feels like a massive set back, and whats the point in going on, but if we do that then they win. your stronger than you think, abusers love it when they see you giving up, i know mine does, and sometimes its just easier to say, fuck it….. but then i rise back up and say NO, ACTUALLY FUCK YOU, don’t let them win.
    i really hope you find an agency close to where you live that can help you, please don’t give up completely,somewhere on this website there are is a list of agencies you can see if any are close to you.

  • @againstmisogyny says:

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear of your ordeal as a victim & survivor of child abuse, domestic violence & sexual violence.
    It is very brave of you to report, well done but awful that you are treated so appallinglingly but unfortunately this is the misogny that exists. I have had it as well. I can relate with not trusting people.
    I think the police, social services need to be challenged. The victims of Worbuoys black cab rapist used human rights act for inhumane & degrading treatment.

    The UN have criticized the UK & #VAWG.

    I’m not sure where you live but a few ideas for support & help Include:
    1) Rape Crisis centre phone line 0808 802 9999 lunchtime & eve also offer other support. or another agency offering an IDVA or IDSA. They have info on making a complaint also.
    2) Child abuse Napacc.
    They have info online as well & recommend solicitors.

    Just 2 ideas for advice & support.
    Make sure you get it.
    I am looking into diff services to offer.
    Personally a reporting support group is something I would like.

    Congratulate yourself on reporting & standing up for your rights & speaking about the terrible experiences. This takes a lot of courage.

  • Jane says:

    Also wanted to say sorry you are being so badly treated and misunderstood.

    I think that police and other professionals often react very badly to the traumatised- they don’t understand trauma and would rather decide someone is “crazy” (although why they think it’s OK to treat someone badly on the basis of assumed mental illness is beyond me) than respond in a human way to their pain and their distress.

    I get very triggered by officials, because they didn’t believe me when I was a child and left me to keep being abused. A social worker sneered at me when I tried to tell, and a policeman tried to molest me.

    I don’t know if this is the case for you, but I am wondering if it would be worth avoiding all professional or official people who are meant to help (but so rarely do) for a while.

    I know that taking care of me can sometimes mean I have to only see friends I can trust and do all the self care things, like relaxation exercises, naps, craft, park walks and so on. I do this for a few weeks and then I might be able to feel prepared for dealing with ignorant twits and have the inner resources to cope with being triggered by them.

    I wanted to share my ways of coping in case they are helpful- everyone is different so they might not be.

    Victim blaming causes so much pain, I hope professionals see this site and see what people post and start to think about learning about trauma and stop hurting us again and again.

    We might sometimes seem so upset or so hostile- if you know we have been abused then know we are actually terrified, feeling like we want to die, and desperate for a human response.