Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

So confused – is my husband abusing me(content notice)

I am so scared to even say all this because I am afraid it’s not true; I am afraid that somehow I have imagined everything up.I have so many confused feelings and for a very very long time I have felt lost in my marriage. I apologize for the lengthy post.

I dated my husband for a short three months. During this time he lavished me with romantic gestures.....diamond necklace after dating for a week, elaborate dates, etc.... I felt so special. Told me he loved me after one week. I remember saying to myself that everyone should be loved this way, treated like a princess. During this initial couple weeks he told me his story about being married before and how abusive she was to him. He said his ex hit him, was lazy, bipolar, treated him terribly, and then eventually cheated on him. I felt so sorry for him. How could anyone treat this man like that I thought. I was speechless and just wanted to make him happy. About this time soon after, I started noticing things that I quickly shrugged off because I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to keep loving me. He started telling me about all the other women that were interested in him, but he chose me. Then he started making comments comparing me to them..... he would say “ Well her hair is long, her breasts are bigger, etc...” I was crushed. I wasn’t good enough. How privileged I am that this man chose me after everything he has been through even though I am not enough. I felt incredible pressure. I remember being in his car, it was snowing out, his car spun and hit a small tree, no damage, he screamed at me that it was my fault, I was supposed to be giving him directions. My best friend in the back seat was bawling. After three months of dating, he proposed to me. I was a virgin and wanted to wait till marriage. He agreed but only wanted to be engaged for max 3 months because he couldn’t wait more than this. During the planning process, he constantly brought up his prior marriage and wanted to “out do it”. I understand wanting to erase the past and so I quickly dismissed it. Then he started subtly mentioning what he expected out of me for sex. He told me that his ex cut him off from sex for awhile and he said that he was put in a bad spot and could have cheated. He told me that sex is how a couple shows their love. He went out and purchased numerous sex toys and I felt like this is normal. Again, I was a virgin I didn’t know. I wanted to make him happy. He also wanted to make sure that I agreed with the bible’s Headship (man is he head of his house). I did and still do. But he harped on this point. Really driving it home. I look back now and how could I have not ran the other way.

Wedding day...... at our reception, He asked me if I wanted to go outside for some air, take a walk. We were around the side of the building and started making out. Next thing I knew I was giving him a blowjob, I wanted to stop, I had also had a few drinks, all I remember is wanting to stop and feeling uncomfortable but I didn’t want to disappoint him. I had never even had sex before. I felt so dirty. He told me that he and his ex had orgasmed together 5 times in one day and he wanted to “beat the record”.

After I had my son, he pressured me to have sex before my six weeks was up. I had a rough labor and several stitches down there and I was scared to have sex. I felt so much pressure to make him happy. Everything was about “getting back to the way we were”. He told me that I was a different person. I remember him coming home from work one day at lunch. He had told me that morning how much breast milk I had to pump. Well when he walked in I was nursing my son, not pumping. I guess I didn’t do what he wanted, he screamed at me so much. I cried so hard I couldn’t even feel my face. He was so angry. One day we got in a bad argument, he went upstairs and as he was walking up I told him I was going for a drive to clear my head. I thought he heard me. Driving in my car he calls me screaming that I better get home, I am gonna pay for this. I walk in my door scared out of my mind. He hit the infant carrier out of my hands and demanded I sit on the couch. He was pacing. Told me I was just like “her”. Just like his ex. I had better never do this again he said. His anger scared me.

One time in an argument, he cornered me and grabbed both arms and lifted me up telling me I had better knock it off. I screamed and cried and said how could you do this. He blamed me for setting him off.

He spanked my son so hard one time he left a bruise that lasted a week. He felt great remorse over this. He tells me all the time that he is sorry we had an argument, that we both have things to work on. He also tells me that I am abusive. I am so confused. I feel like he can be so nice and gentle at times and then something happens that he doesn’t like and we are back.

He finally let me get a dog. He said every time I look at the dog I can see how much he loves me. I know he loves me. I feel like I owe him all the time.

He always makes me feel guilty over sex. Says that he has blue balls, says that I need to fulfill my marital duties, men need sex. One time he told me that I am withholding sex from him and that it was dangerous and alluded to the fact that he could be tempted to fulfill his needs elsewhere. But then quickly said “well both of us really”. I have woke up in the middle of the night to him playing with my breasts or vagina. One time I just lay there and pretended to still be sleeping. He wouldn’t stop. I finally said stop I want to sleep. I yelled at me and “I knew you were awake. What you are doing is horrible.” How is it horrible what am doing?? I felt so disconnected. He will grab me inappropriately and when I tell him to stop he tells me that I should be grateful to have a husband that wants my body, I should be happy he is attracted to me.

During an argument one time, I was in our walk-in closet and he stood in front of the door to block me in. I told him to move and he said then I better knock it off. He does this a lot, posturing himself to make me feel trapped.

But then it will be good times. He does so much for me. Right now he is being great. I feel like I am crazy, that I should be grateful that I have a husband who loves me.

We have been married for eight years. These are just a few of my experiences. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Please help. Please give me some clarity. Thank you again.



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3 thoughts on “So confused – is my husband abusing me(content notice)

  • Roslyn Harris says:

    Hugging you.
    “You should feel grateful”… but you don’t.

    Today in Dear Abby (march 9, 2018) there was a list of behaviours to watch out for. Your letter contains many of those points.
    Your life is still yours, not his. Make a plan, set a goal to leave. Remind yourself everyday of the reality of your situation. Don’t be swayed by the occasional nice thing he does. You know the truth of it. Will you wait until he kills your dog?

    (This response is for myself, too. And my situation doesn’t seem as dire as yours.)

  • Jenny says:

    You should be so proud of yourself for speaking out. Your husband is 100% abusing you. Emotionally, physically and mentally. I would advise getting some counselling or help to leave the marrage because it will only esclate and get worse. He makes himself feel better by making you feel guilty. It is not accetable and you need to hand up for your rights and your childrens. Hope it all works out for you x

  • Hecuba says:

    You have not imagined it – sadly your husband is abusing you and he twists everything around so that you are responsible for his behaviour not him. His actions are typical of a controlling male.

    Don’t blame yourself – his tactics are common and he has escalated his violence in order to maintain control over you. He also switches tactics to keep you ‘off balance’ – he deliberately shows you some love in order to make you think his violence isn’t real, but it is and it is escalating.

    If he really loved you he wouldn’t inflict violence on your or your son.

    If you are able I strongly recommend you buy a copy of ‘Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men’ by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has worked with men like your husband and he knows exactly how these men justify/deny their actions.

    It is very very hard for women to recognise the men they love are in fact violent controlling men who hate women.

    You have rights too and this means not to be subjected to male violence from your husband. He doesn’t love you – he thinks you are his property. You have the right to be treated with respect not constantly having to watch your words/behaviour in case he becomes threatening again.

    If you are able, try to seek out womens’ organisations which specialise on ‘domestic violence’ because they will help you and they do not judge women who are trying to understand why their male partner/husband is making them feel they are going mad.