Shamed, blamed, and betrayed
As an adult woman I hear people say to me..... it's not your fault, you're a victim, you do what you need to survive.....
But it kinda feels now like too little too late, why now when it feels way too shameful?, so you say you want to help me, so many times ive heard that saying, and have been let down or dismissed as if I'm a nothing, a nobody, so why be surprised now, that I too feel that way?
I'm labelled constantly by the very people who wanted to help me, 'well, you seem quite hostile at times', 'it's strange that you dont like to be touched', 'it's not normal not to want to be around any men', 'so you're not sleeping very much that can sometimes cause paraniod thoughts', 'you have OCD, you've suffered with depression a long time'. These are just a small few of the things said to me, but during all that, why didn't anyone see me, see i've been hurting, instead of just labeling me with some kind of ailment?
22 years later, when I finally trust someone and feel like I'm brave enough to start trying to change my life, I'm betrayed and shamed. For so many years, I was hurt physically, emotionally, mentally, and in many other ways, then to be told by my abuser that I deserved it, or it was to make me behave better, or just because he decided I needed to be punished, so being blamed by him and then on to be labelled by some so called professionals, (and i use the term professionals lightly). I thought "well, he's right, they're right, I'm crazy, it has to be something I'm doing, because no one else thought there was a problem".
It obviously didn't matter that I've had broken bones, cuts, bruises, dislocated fingers, along with a heap of other things, i was crazy, paranoid, young, being a drama queen, oh and lets not forget clumsy.
But as much as I've hurt over the years, nothing has hurt me as much as finally being able to talk to someone about certain things without feeling too disgusting. Someone I thought I could trust with hurts and shames that are as painful as any physical pain I know, only for them to tell other people.
I really do feel like I'm now back where i was 22 years ago and I hate it, I do know that I'll never trust another person as long as I live, and just to say that sometimes when you say you want to help someone, talk to them first.
Betrayal of this kind scars worse than you know, physical scars fade with time, I'm hoping so will the other scars, on the inside......
(thanks, just needed a vent, I'm fine now, I always am.)
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Hi So Sad
Thank you for sharing this – it is so difficult, building up the courage to disclose to someone who then shares that information without our knowledge. It is disrespectful and very painful. I am sorry that this has happened to you.
We believe you. If you would like support from a professional organisation who will listen, and keep your information confidential, we have a list on our Get Support page.
Sending peaceful thoughts x
Thanks for the support, but talking to anyone else is not something I feel ready to do again, not yet anyway, too upset, and humiliated. X
I am sorry to hear of your pain. I am a rape survivor. I understand so intensely what it is like to be isolated. To be alone. It reeks havoc to your core. I too, for over a decade, put so much pressure on myself to be “okay”. To not make a fuss and to just carry on with my life. It was me against the world, right?
However, the way I now see it, is that we are in this thing together. We need to be able to lean on people. Whether it be through the internet, a therapist, whomever, we need to feel empathy. We need to feel validated and heard.
So please, let me tell you, you have been heard. You are validated in your feelings. You are allowed to feel your pain, we all are – that is how we heal. And, oh by the way, you are a survivor. 🙂
I don’t know if this will help you, and please know that I am not trying to promote my writing (I would send this to you in a private message if I knew how), I have been writing about my experience with PTSD, overcoming flashbacks, dismissal, depression, isolation… all of the above. Recently I have written a post for TheUnSlutProject and it has been fairly well received. So, I just wanted to share it with you.
Best of luck. You are worth it. You are important. You are beautiful.
Thanks for your kind words, I gave your blog a read, I’m so sorry for what happened to you, and for the way you were treated, but I’m happy that your doing better now, and I’m fine now Hun, was having a horrid day and needed to vent, I was just being silly, but thanks for caring. X