Shamed, blamed, and betrayed
As an adult woman I hear people say to me..... it's not your fault, you're a victim, you do what you need to survive.....
But it kinda feels now like too little too late, why now when it feels way too shameful?, so you say you want to help me, so many times ive heard that saying, and have been let down or dismissed as if I'm a nothing, a nobody, so why be surprised now, that I too feel that way?
I'm labelled constantly by the very people who wanted to help me, 'well, you seem quite hostile at times', 'it's strange that you dont like to be touched', 'it's not normal not to want to be around any men', 'so you're not sleeping very much that can sometimes cause paraniod thoughts', 'you have OCD, you've suffered with depression a long time'. These are just a small few of the things said to me, but during all that, why didn't anyone see me, see i've been hurting, instead of just labeling me with some kind of ailment?
22 years later, when I finally trust someone and feel like I'm brave enough to start trying to change my life, I'm betrayed and shamed. For so many years, I was hurt physically, emotionally, mentally, and in many other ways, then to be told by my abuser that I deserved it, or it was to make me behave better, or just because he decided I needed to be punished, so being blamed by him and then on to be labelled by some so called professionals, (and i use the term professionals lightly). I thought "well, he's right, they're right, I'm crazy, it has to be something I'm doing, because no one else thought there was a problem".
It obviously didn't matter that I've had broken bones, cuts, bruises, dislocated fingers, along with a heap of other things, i was crazy, paranoid, young, being a drama queen, oh and lets not forget clumsy.
But as much as I've hurt over the years, nothing has hurt me as much as finally being able to talk to someone about certain things without feeling too disgusting. Someone I thought I could trust with hurts and shames that are as painful as any physical pain I know, only for them to tell other people.
I really do feel like I'm now back where i was 22 years ago and I hate it, I do know that I'll never trust another person as long as I live, and just to say that sometimes when you say you want to help someone, talk to them first.
Betrayal of this kind scars worse than you know, physical scars fade with time, I'm hoping so will the other scars, on the inside......
(thanks, just needed a vent, I'm fine now, I always am.)
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