Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

sexual assault? while in a relationship

I really need advice and support. I've been in a long distance relationship for nine months now and recently made the decision to move in together. I love him very much because he is such an amazing partner.

A few days ago, I went out with a friend. we had several drinks, came back to my apartment, drank some more...I also ate an edible, which gave me a body high. I remember thinking about my boyfriend and telling myself to be cautious so I went to my room and laid on the floor.

Next thing I know, my friend is laying on my bed but I'm still on the floor. I remember feeling really high and trying to fall asleep. I suddenly wake up, half naked on my bed. I was freaking out cus I had no recollection of anything.

I asked my friend what happened and he tells me that he is pretty sure we had sex. I feel like shit. I'm so confused because I feel guilty and upset at myself.

I honestly dont want to tell my boyfriend. is that bad?


We do NOT give permission for posts published as personal experiences to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.

Comments are currently closed.

3 thoughts on “sexual assault? while in a relationship

  • Erika says:

    Hello there! First, I’m very sorry you went through this. What an awful experience. Second, some questions:
    1. Is there any chance you could be pregnant?
    2. I suggest getting tested for STIs immediately. Do you have any that your friend should be aware of?
    3. Is this a situation where you felt he raped you because you were unable to provide informed consent? You may want to speak to a victim-friendly counselor who can help hold some nonjudgmental space for you to share your feelings.
    4. Do you want to report this person for rape? If so, there are many channels of support for you to do so with advocates.
    5. If you just want to put it behind you, I don’t blame you for not wanting to tell your boyfriend. However, if I were you (and I’ve been in similar situations), I would cut ties with that friend regardless of the details.

  • Admin says:

    Hi Lisa. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. I can hear how confused and upset you are and I am so sorry.
    What you decide to do or not do is entirely up to you – it is your choice.
    There are people/organisations who can support you should you wish to talk through your options: we have some listed here: http://everydayvictimblaming.com/get-support/

    Please let us know if we can offer any further information x

  • Gill Ward says:

    Hello Lisa

    I’m so relieved you’ve been able to share what’s happened on this site. It’s a big step to write something for yourself to read (I find writing things down can help) and you’ve been brave enough to share what’s happened and how you are feeling on a supportive and understanding site. Positive first step.

    I don’t sense anything ‘bad’ about you whatsoever from your words. There isn’t anything ‘bad’ about not wanting to tell your boyfriend, either. You went for a night out and something happened that was beyond your control, not your intention and not of your doing. I sense your confusion, worry and guilt, which are ‘normal’ responses to stressful situations. I am so sorry you feel this way and are going through this.

    Please know that it isn’t your fault, whatever happened. Know that you are not to blame. Guilt is horrible and hard to deal with, especially alone. I’ve found talking with another (a professional) admittedly difficult but ultimately a cathartic process. However, it is down to the individual whether this is something they choose to do.

    Whatever you decide, know that you can find your way through this. You are not alone. Specialist professional help is amazing because they know, they understand, they believe and will support you, listen and help you think about what you want to do. You can email them initially or call a phone line for support. I guarantee you will find a friendly, supportive, non-judgemental voice on the other end of the line. That could be your second positive and brave step.

    Keep in touch if you need to.

    Please look after yourself.

    G x