Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse


I was sexually assaulted in Italy 2 years ago, but I live in the UK- how am I meant to tell the police, who am I meant to tell? There is quite possibly no evidence at all, and so, I will have to live with the injustice for the rest of my life.

It's so unfair. How am I supposed to bear it?

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

When I told my best friend, she asked me why I didn't 'kick him where it hurts, and run'. When I FINALLY told my Mum, she asked why I went back to his house... didn't I know, that men can't control their sexual instincts in a situation like that?

Yes mum... it was my fault. Clearly.

I am a 19 year old student, and my degree is going to hell. My life is going to hell. I am afraid. I hate my body- I hate my sexuality. I sometimes wonder- why does sex even have to exist? It's given me little pleasure in my life- and so, so, so much pain. I want life to be different. I want to start again, and go back to a time when I felt like my body was my own. But I can't. That's not going to happen. I just have to start moving forwards a bit. That's the only thing I can do.

If you are reading this... It is never the victim's fault. I was pinned down to a bed and I couldn't move a thing. Not a thing. Before that, I had frozen with fear, and now I was literally physically blocked anyway. I tried and tried and tried to fight but there was nothing I could do. Nothing. Nothing.

And now I'm left on my own... without support, waiting for counselling (which should come in a couple of months time- I've already been waiting for months). Tell me, do I owe anything to life?


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4 thoughts on “Reactions

  • Anna says:

    Hey midnight lady, I’m so sorry that you had to go through this and that you’re struggling. I remember thinking and feeling all the things you describe so clearly, hating my body and sex, always feeling afraid. It does get better, I promise, with time and support. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through a horrific ordeal that wasn’t your fault.

    Is the counselling you’re waiting for via a GP? Could you go back and say you’re not coping and explain why? I used to write lists when going to the GP or else there would be things I would forget to say.

    Have you looked at the getting support page on this site? If not, do take a look, there might be other support mechanisms out there you can access whilst you wait for counselling.

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling, you’re not alone, and things do get better, Anna xxx

  • Karen says:

    You can still report this. Please contact your local police and if you have any problems contact the Consular Directrate of the British FCO we can hopefully assist on 020 7008 1500 or by email at [email protected] – we can help and accepting any degree of ‘blame’ is not right. Violence is never your ‘fault’. I hope that this helps stay strong

  • Itsmotherswork says:

    I’m so sorry someone did this to you and that it’s still hurting you. You’re right, you absolutely aren’t to blame.

    I imagine it must feel so lonely, when you can’t work out who or how to tell the Italian authorities and when the people you trusted to tell so far (your best friend, your mum) haven’t been understanding about what happened to you or what support you need.

    I think it sometimes helps to keep saying it; to tell anyone who will listen sympathetically, who will believe you and affirm that it wasn’t your fault. In a place like this, it may be possible to that.

  • Admin says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We believe you.

    Waiting for counselling can be a frustrating process in itself; which often makes things feel more difficult in the short term. Have you considered using a telephone support service? The England & Wales national Rape Crisis line offers telephone support via phone: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ as do Scottish Rape Crisis: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/

    We believe you & know it wasn’t your fault x