Raping a child and again as an adult being blamed for both
As a child you come into this world beautiful and pure. Growing up in an abusive family you learn albeit negative behaviours that you are taught from the people who abuse you. Your world is tainted and it's hard to see beauty in the world around you and from other people. Your world becomes fog like as if nothing is ever real and your feelings are lock away to protect the vulnerable child that you are. You then become something to yourself because the pain and abuse is difficult to bear and understand from the people who are their to protect you and keep you safe so a new you comes out and the more your abused their more layers you become to protect the hurt vulnerable child that you are inside locked away somewhere. Each layer protecting yourself entrenching you as the personality that you are trying to protect from further harm. You have different parts of your being abusive caring, kind, compassionate , all different parts to protect this vulnerable child because the pain is to hard to bear to feel and show because their was nobody to protect, care, keep this child safe, to show the pain the destructiveness of other human beings. People who are adults to destroyed by others themselves cannot look after children their locked in their own pain, the anger, the vulnerability but because their to damaged, they then distil their pain on to their own children their then viscous circle of abuse then carries on to the next generation and the next and the next. If abuse is not talked about is pushed aside and a child feelings our not able to express themselves they to become damaged as adults and then we will have the next generation abusing our children. Not all adults abused as children don't go on to abuse kids or others. If we as a society talked about our feelings of abuse the shame, the guilt, the fear we have experienced we would live in a more excepting care kind world that we can all be proud to live in.
By us as humans being abused, raped, physically and psychologically as child and as adults in a domestic violence situation. We already feel fear, shame, guilty, dirty because of someone else's twisted behaviour. Then they defiled our bodies and overstepped our boundaries in the most inhume way possible. The devastation that this can have on the rest of our lives till the day we leave this world.
As being abused as a child and then as a adult, a therapist from a rape centre really helped me understand where to put the blame of my experiences because of the guilt, shame and feeling dirty was to but back on to the perpetrator. She explained that I was groomed as a child and as an adult and I was vulnerable it made more sense to me when she explained it this way and for the first time in years I didn't feel guilty for what these people put me through. I am so glad for this therapist at RASA of showing me and explaining to myself that this wasn't my fault that I had not done anything wrong. These people had see my vulnerable side as a child as used it in the most cruel and unkind way.
As a adult others could see that vulnerable side of my personality and my ex took advantage of this in a drip drip affect of humiliating, belittling, raping me and then lying to agencies about what he done. The undesirable pain of my childhood and as an adult of my experiences that others have inflicted on myself and my children is so sad and at times as nearly destroyed me and their person that I am and my soul is so sad and in pain at times that inside in breaks my heart. The deepest sadness and sorrow that I feel and experience from others actions and behaviours is deplorable at times. On the up I am still here still fighting hoping things will be different for myself my children but for every person suffering from abuse and rape but often I write on this website and other things and then I receive consequences for my thoughts and feelings or my anger and frustrations of others behaviour. You can never take someone's feelings away it's how we and others feel nobody can denied how others think and feel because of their experiences in life to date.
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I agree that no-one is at fault for being abused. You are brave to set out your story. Although it is painful to read, I appreciate your courage and generosity in sharing your message – that, despite how a victim may be made to feel, the perpetrators are the guilty ones.
I believe you and I am sorry that this has been done to you. You are not to blame for what has been done – your abusers are solely to blame.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and your emotions.