Raped for a second time, boyfriend does not believe me. (content note)

July 27, 2016, Anonymous, Personal Experiences,

I have been a committed relationship for 4 years with a guy I truly adore. We have planned on getting married, and also starting a family in the future. We are both young in our 20's, but we have a strong friendship before the relationship. When I was in 6th grade, for 3 years, I was raped by my grandfather. I was molested, raped, forced to have oral sex with him, numerous things. After being with ,my boyfriend I finally told him the reason why I was so reserved after dating for a few months. Growing up,I never told my grandmother or my mom about the incident. One day, me and my boyfriend were at a family function, and I broke down out of no where, because I was tired of seeing him live a happy life, and my family not knowing what he did to me growing up. My boyfriend stood up for me, and told my family the situation that happened, and I loved him even more after that, and looked at him like my hero. Recently, I was raped again at my friends house by her brother. It happened around 530 AM, and I was sleep. I heard him come in the room, and I ignored it at first. During the rape I froze up. I tried pushing him off, but my boyfriend is blaming me for not pushing hard enough. I didn't scream or yell, knowing there were other people in the house I was scared, and I froze up. I panicked, and I didn't know what to do at all. I immediately tried calling him and my friend afterwards, but no answer. I know I should have called the police first, but I was afraid of the outcome. I told him 5 hours later, and he immediately went to bashing me and saying I wanted it. I went to the police, and reported the incident. Today is day 3 since the incident, and he does not want to speak with me at all. He keeps saying I should have yelled, I should have screamed or fought harder. Or he will say I'm strong enough to fight him off of me. I seriously panicked and froze up. I'm starting to feel like crap for actually standing up for myself and telling my loved ones the second time around. And I feel like if I would have kept everything bottled up like I did the first time around nothing like this would happen. All I need is for him to support me and love me, and let me know he is here for me. This is a very hard time, and the one person I need is blaming me for everything. This is making it hard to move on with my life in all, and to be honest I've had suicidal thoughts recently, because its hard. I feel worthless and powerless. I would have thought that my best friend/lover would be here for me and it sucks, that he isn't... My mom is saying that we may need a lot of time apart, but its hard when he is my daily routine.

 

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