Rape ruined me (content note for graphic description)
I was still a virgin and he was my friend, he told me he liked me but I always said no to him. We became friends and since I didn't want to be alone I called him to come over so we hangout. We did hangout that day and then the next and on the third day we hangout again watching cartoons, playing music. I said I was going to bath and I told him to turn around whilst I changed and go to the bathroom. He said ok and did and when I took off my clothes to put on my cloth that's when he turned around and started touching me,initially I kissed him back and I remember saying it's ok I have to go, he said no, he pushed me on the bed and held me down and he kept touching me he wanted to put his dick in there but I said no please just do anything you want don't put it there he said he won't but then he pushed it in there and he moved in me he took his dick out and cum.he said I'm sorry I'm sorry and run out of the room leaving me alone. I cried I couldn't believe what had happened I didn't know if that was sex or what that even was I was still in shock The tears weren't even coming anymore I got up and took the blanket and went to wash the blood out because I know that if my mother finds out she'll kill me. I wrote it in my diary I didn't tell anyone. The next day I was still confused,I felt open and loose and I could feel the insides of my vagina was torn, I could pull it out I called him and told him to finish what he'd done he came and did it again, I didn't move I just allowed him to do it and after he made me promise him that we would get married and I did because I was scared no man would want to be with me again because I'm not a virgin. I swore to him and he made us exchange rings, I kept it and could've told someone but I was too scared. He came the next day and made me give him the rings, the next day my mother found out. Someone had told her that the guy has been coming to the house and she read my diary. She called me a disgrace and told me that I'm a shame and she wouldn't speak with me, I wrote a suicide note and almost killed myself but I was scared I would go to hell. I didn't talk my sister kept looking at me like I'm a whore everyone treated me that way. After that I began having sex with anyone that wanted to do it with me, I didn't care, I would get drunk and have sex with strangers, it became so bad I became an escort and started sleeping around with people who called me, it was horrible but the alcohol made it better when I took it I felt better no one cared about me because I'm a whore. I met a man and he made me stop and I was only sleeping with him but by then I had met a guy and I told him everything but he still wanted to be with me, I felt special that at last someone cared for me and my past didn't matter but I kept struggling because I felt that I missed my old life and the new guy called me a whore as a joke, I kept thinking about it. I had been dating the guy and then the second incident happened. I was in my room at school and I was alone so my friend called and I told him that he could come so we watch family guy. He came and we started watching but his mind wasn't there he tried to make out with me and I told him I couldn't do that because I had a boyfriend. He said it didn't matter and asked me if I had a condom and I told him no that he should stop what he's doing and let us watch the movie, he said he was coming and I told him I'll lock the door when he goes out but he got there before me and took the key and locked me inside. He came back and locked the door. He came to the bed and sat on my back and he tied my hands, I told him to stop else I will shout but he kept laughing and didn't mind me. I tried to move but he had tied my hands upside down at my back and I couldn't move, he took my panties off and thrusted deep into me, I couldn't shout I was scared, he kept trying to make me respond but I wasn't moving, I felt him stop and he was like he's down, I heard him spray something and try again but his dick wouldn't work. He gave up on it and stopped. After he untied me and I moved to the corner of the bed and he said he was sorry that he thought I liked it, he kept saying sorry and I asked him to leave that I never wanted to see him again. I told my friend about it and he told me not to tell my boyfriend and I didn't but the guilt was too much and I told my boyfriend the next day. He looked at me and said how could I do this to him. I felt so ashamed and hurt all he kept talking about was himself he didn't even ask if I was fine. I left there in tears scared because he wanted to break up with me. We got back together but things weren't the same and got worse because he couldn't get over what happened but we tried to work it out and when things started finally looking good again it happened again for the third time. I went to visit a family friend and he drugged me, I couldn't move but I felt everything that happened his sickening penetrations and this time I called for help and reported the case. People are so inhumane they kept making me repeat what happened and now they're talking of expelling him and putting him in jail. They tell me it's my decision what to do, I feel so guilty. His mother came to kneel down and plead that I let it go. I'm so confused
and scared, I can't keep repeating what happened, I can't stop thinking about it and how he was lying about doing it, I feel terrible and I feel it's my fault because his life may end because of me. I wanted him punished but now I feel so bad and scared with all the hospital and police examinations. I can't go through this again, I'm loosing my mind, I can't even focus at school I'm going to drop the case. My boyfriend said he has lost interest in me and we are no longer dating I'm sad and hurt I just want all this to go away. I want to let it go. It hurts me but I see no other way because I'm tired of people asking me questions, they took pictures of my genitals, everything is a blur I just want it all to go away. I want to be happy but I know that no one will ever want to be with me again because I'm tainted, I'm shameful and I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe I deserved it all, it's all my fault everything is my fault. I feel hurt and broken but no one can see me suffering, I'm just terrified and maybe I'll die alone maybe that's what I deserve.
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You are not responsible for being a victim of sexualised violence. Your family have no right to treat you like you are responsible; neither is your boyfriend. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and support. Not people who blame you for the actions of perpetrators. Below are some of the national support hotlines for Rape Crisis. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites. Please reach out to them if you need a friendly voice to listen.
And, please remember that we believe you and that this is not your fault.
Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
Freephone 08088 01 03 02
(Every day, 6pm to midnight)
Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
Freephone 0808 802 9999
(12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)