Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Ongoing victim blaming (content note)

Hello everyone. My story starts with father's blame. He still sees it as, my fault that I pushed him to hit me. Though when he tried to suffocate me with a cloth stringed bag. I was upstairs without him. Minding my own business.

My mother asked me what did i do ?. An outsider asked, what was i doing ?. His behaviour stemmed from his own psychological sickness narcotic behaviour and sexist parent.

I am not and wasn't mentally ill. I never attended a mental health unit whilst in civil relationship with him. Or just before, he persuaded me to go on a date with him.
Since leaving him over 6 years ago all organisations have failed me. Police,a social worker, 2 cafcass workers, school headmistress, my family have accused me of lying and
Exaggerating my abuse, some won't accept/understand it as.

It's all in my mind, cafcass said in a 2hr interrogation . Alone in her office. I wanted to appear strong. She grinded me down and accused me of imagining being suffocated! I wasn't delusional. She still couldn't give a straight answer, why dad wasn't given the funding to be put on the Dv perpetrator Programme. Despite 2 multi-agency risk assessments. Including, one that exact year. Due to stalking. Police wouldn't caution, as I had no photos or witnesses and appeared anxious. Any information they can find about you accessing counselling, and your condemned. Doesn't that prove, your a victim. Why else would you seek at the time of a court case. And help from victim support.

LetGo was the only organisation who didn't judge. They were like friends. Better than one of my friends and an ex partner who questionned if I was genuine about the 4 assaults. It was my fault because I went back to him. I had no family support, except from his. With Childcare and when he looked me and our baby son out his house. I couldn't never call, shared. I stayed through fear, after our child was born. When his behaviour turned to anger and jealousy the most. I had nowhere to go, when he tried to kill me. Because, they may say it was my fault again. My mother would say once again that I provoked him. And when he narrowly missed our son in the highchair, throwing things. Scaring him. He was stone cold sober, late morning when that happened.

During the Child contact case I decided to report the Dv and neglect if our son during Unsupervised contact accompanied by his family. Police looked at the contact case and assumed I was lying about the extent of the abuse and stopped investigation suddenly. After rebailing father. Presuming I was only reporting it at that time. To limit/prevent all child contact. Evidence should have proved to them that it wasn't the case. I had grown in confidence and was reminded see if everything, not just buts. If what I went through. As I had to discuss it at length various times. Particularly because our son was present or heard the abuse down the hall in dad's house. That as such, us child neglect. But no charges are made for that action. As assaults are sometimes planned. The possible presence of a child didn't prevent planned actions by him/abusers

Blame carried on when I had to call police for him drink driving our son more than once. I had warned his father about previously. One if the reasons I had to stop Unsupervised contact.

The police never turned up or followed him to test him for alcohol intake. Then children's services rang up. The police had referred the issue to them instead of dealing with it themselves. I was investigated and blamed for making my child anxious before/during contact. There was no proof. Once the school admitted that my son was anxious in school on one of the days when contact was happening.

The social worker blamed my anxiety about contact causing my child emotional abuse. Not dad's coercive behaviour in front of our child, towards me. And sometimes towards our son. During this time I had to report father's physical neglect towards our child, causing a severe infection. Police wouldn't investigate. Said, parenting problem. Referred to social worker. My son was screaming in pain but they didn't believe me. Even when I showed the photo. My son's school also knew. As I had took special cream into school and he'd been off half a day. The day after contact. I didn't show them the photo. They seemed to believe me. But betrayed me and reported to children's services. Dad had cared for our child longer than he had been, for the first time. And he'd damaged him. Our son couldn't sit on a chair. Only sit on the side, on the settee. It distressed me, and he knew it. I was told to tell dad how to clean our child and a simple letter for dad. If I was anxious I was blamed for hurting my son emotionally, when I hid any upset until he was in bed.

I was supported during visits by my partner but my child would not communicate with the worker properly. I was blamed for being confrontational about dad/us not being friendly infront of him. Who could ?

I was forced to follow the court order by the courts and worker. Preventing contact is seen as emotional abuse by the social as not adhering to the law that he has to see both to be psychologically sound. Research is limited. I had gone out my way to support contact. My son needed to be safe during it . I had supervised it, instead of dad's parents six months after I'd left.

Social services convinced school that I wasn't well because they didn't take my claims seriously. So they believed it was me who caused anxiety and anger fits. In my child.Blaming my hostility towards dad's contact on the reasons for his anger. He was frustrated like myself. Nobody was listening/believing us. They still don't
After the Family Courts


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One thought on “Ongoing victim blaming (content note)

  • Judith says:

    You have been let down by every service there to support you. I can’t imagine how alone and powerless you must have felt. I believe you and I hope you can continue to grow in confidence and strength. You have known you were doing the right thing for your son, I hope he inderstands this.
    I an not qualified to advise you, I hope the people at EVB can help.
    I wish you strength and all the best of luck in the future.