Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Not too sure what it was that happened?

I've had a previous sexual relationship with a guy it was casual and on and off over a few months. Last time we slept together was around 6 months ago, he's a nice guy and has never demonstrated any nasty or innapropriate behaviour towards me. Last weekend I got chatting to him over social media late at night (we had both been drinking) and arranged for me to pop over for a drink, so I walked over to his 15 mins after. we share the same friends and we have done this before since our last sexual encounter and that is all we done, drunk, chat and have a laugh NO sex. Things went well we was chatting and I even mentioned about a guy I liked , there was a really friendly normal atmosphere. We was both drunk and the next min we knew it was light outside!! I didn't fancy doing the walk of shame so he said I could sleep so I did. I got in his bed and he followed I started to fall asleep but he started fooling around I was laughing but said no we best not. He kept trying to fool about again and I started to feel uncomfortable and got a nervous, he took my pants off giggling and I was trying to stop him but they ended up off. I then repetedly said no to him but he got on top of me I tried pushing him off but I couldn't as he was much stronger that me, he didn't stop after me saying no many of times, again. It happened so fast and after it I just rolled over and he asked me if I was ok.

I keep thinking now maybe he though I was joking saying it but I'm finding that difficult to believe and I said no and 'get off me' many of times. I don't want to use the word rape as It just doesn't seem like the typical rape situation and I feel I put myself in that situation as I got in his bed.

I can't get this out of my head I keep getting upset about it. Im starting a new job next week and I just can't concentrate. He's not a monster, I don't know what to do. I don't want to report him as I don't know if there is even anything to report? I'm so confused I don't have anyone to talk to about this, I feel like I'm loosing my mind 🙁


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4 thoughts on “Not too sure what it was that happened?

  • Admin says:

    You were very clear you did not want to have sex. He ignored your first statement making it clear you did not want to have sex. He then ignored your verbal no and your physical no (trying to push him off). This meets the legal definition of rape. Sharing a bed with a male friend is not saying yes to sex. It is saying yes to sleeping in the same bed. You did not put yourself in this situation. He made a choice to rape you.

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites. Please reach out for support from one of these organisations.

    And, remember, you did nothing wrong here. This was his choice. His responsibility. His criminal act.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

  • Elisa hill says:

    This was not your fault,even though you got into bed with him he knew it was as friends,you said “no”, he decided to ignore you,even though he was drunk it is no excuse , he is/was a trusted friend,YOU DID nothing wrong,I do know how you feel,I was in your exact situation too,I felt almost doubly betrayed because my friend turned into a monster in front of my eyes, I lost my best friend,I had slept with him before,but I told him clearly it was not going to continue, He was the one I confided in,he told me his troubles, I could never see him the same way again,it was the 80’s and I felt it was my fault for sleeping with him in the first place,but I know I told him very clearly, no more sex,he is very strong, over 6 foot,I am only 5’3,I miss him even today as a friend, but not enough to ever trust him again,we were part of the same group of friends, even now he tries to be “friends” again,I have told the truth about him to my children, and some friends,in the end I had to get an Injunction to stop him approaching me, and accidentley on purpose turning up where I was, he knew my whereabouts through those friends.I went out and got new friends, and when as is inevitable he tried to get in with that friend group, I had to move on as they wanted me to “put the past behind me” This happens, women lose their friends,get better friend who don’t expect you to be around your rapist! Take care of yourself,and know you deserve better.

  • lynda says:

    thanks for sharing im sorry this happened to you. Even if a person is drunk no means no and that person should have respected your no’s. i was abused and raped by my ex-husband even constantly telling him no he still violated my body without my consent which in the eyes of law is rape. E

  • lynda says:

    thanks for sharing im sorry this happened to you. Even if a person is drunk no means no and that person should have respected your no’s. i was abused and raped by my ex-husband even constantly telling him no he still violated my body without my consent which in the eyes of law is rape. Even if a person is drunk under the influence of drugs a person makes a choice to rape and sexual abuse an individual. He could have stop it anytime and this is not you fault he should have respected you and your boundaries and your no’s.
    I urge anyone to get the right proper support and help to talk through what happened and to help you seal with all the emotions that your going through at this time and heal.
    You have a right to feel safe and be heard hugs good luck take care kind regards best wishes Lynda