Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

No Became Yes, and I Didn’t Know

I was dating a guy for about 5 months total. I have always had a low self-esteem, and in turn desperation to be loved. My mother is not the affectionate kind and it's had an increasing affect on me.
But that's not the story.
This is:

When we started becoming friends, because we went to to school together, he was persistent in getting me to talk to him, because he wanted me to socialize with him and no one else had ever put effort like that into talking with me. I told him some of the things mentally I struggle with. He was nice to me about it and it was then I learned he was into me. But it started with him telling me he'd fuck me (as in he was willing). At first I thought he only wanted sex and rhen it turned into feelings so we started dating.

We started having sex the Monday of the second week.
I was a virgin. We were in his car and it was not pleasant.

I had been the one who requested it that day. And a lot of other days at first. I've had sex in a bed one time. I've never felt no pain during sex. I used to try and explain to him why and I'd try to tell him what to do to make better. But he was rough. He liked being rough and thought I did too, even though I constantly asked him aND told him I needed him to be more gentle.
He very very rarely ever was.

I never noticed the flags. He was always insistent on a*** sex, sonetimes outright declaring that we would or that he couldn't wait for me to be okay with it, no matter how many times I said no. Several times when we were having sex, he'd try to convince me, make me, once even trying to trick me. It never worked, and he stopped asking.

And it got worse.
He used to always hurt my neck severely, and it wasn't until a little before we broke up that I managed to make him understand that he was hurting me and needed to stop, the former he already knew. He was never attentive to my needs, constantly hurting me or bringong me discomfort, and only minimally attempted ay of the things I'd said woils help.

And then it got even worse. Sometimes, if I were angry with him he would put his hand down the front of my pants and touch me anyway or something else. And even if I said no, I was angry and disn't want to or I just wasn't in the mood, he always took it as me needing convincing. I almost always gave in, the only times I didn't being when I'd grab his wrist and pull it out and away from me, which was always with great difficulty.

I'd never thought much of it, I'd been molested before. I'd been abused before. When I was upset one night a friend asked if I felt like I was being emotionally abused. After long hard thought, it became more clear and after a confirmation from my psychiatrist I was given a positive confirmation.

It was only until after that the thought even manifested and after talking with my friends and extensive research I learned about sexual assault by coercion. WhiLe I know that's what happened, I find it hard to accept or even believe. I never told anyone that I'd been being assaulted. That conclusion was brought through descriptions. Even harder to believe, he was never aggressive rather just persistent. And not always did he do this. A lot of times it was enthusiastic consent. But I wasn't equally as many times. He doesn't even realize how horrible he treated me, denying it for all the reasons above when anyone explained it to him, or he said it was downright false.

Now I don't know what to do or how to feel because us doesn't feel like I was assaulted.


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