Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

my life with my rapist and the pain its caused me

Tonight I feel so sad my emotions have not been all over the place just very sad it started when I woke up and all I felt was so sad. I have been in pain all day from my head neck right down to my lower part of my spine. My tears falling down my cheek tonight I couldn t tell others how I feel because sometimes I don’t know how to say it. Some days you just wake up and feel so sad my deep sadness today was about S and the emotional pain he caused me. The sadness that I married him and him he never really loved me or are children that hurts and makes me sad. Sometimes it’s good to cry even though your heart is breaking inside but I know tomorrow is another day and I’ll pick myself up and carry on. Today the sadness has just overwhelms me but it’s a journey I have to go through and deal with the strong emotions when they come up.

To have a person you lived with and you never really new them only at the start a nice caring human being then the monster the person who wanted to hurt you and even destroy you. If after all this time it’s hard to try and get over and the sadness just overwhelms me and my heart and soul are hurting so much inside I can’t always tell others or even ask for help because it’s too hard because they didn’t believe me before. When I tried this time didn’t believe me this time and the pain all over again hurt my soul. To be blamed for domestic violence and again for abuse it’s me more than I can verbalise because I usually just tell people to fuck of because they didn’t believe or judge me in the past.

The sadness of S and all that he did and lied hurts more than ever. I wonder will the pain ease and become easier over time and my life will get easier for me and the children. The Rose the song reminds me on how it wasn’t love that was in my relationship just an end to a means and I was there because I had a flat and he was sleeping on his mum sofa. The only thing he gave me was our beautiful children and he nearly destroyed that because of his lies to social services and they believed him instead of f, j and myself. A love of another that never loved you at all and you loved them because of your past your hurts was difficult to have a normal emotional relationship because life was consumed by past hurts and pain. Your love wasn;t true S you weren;t true S you took whatever you could and spit me out and took and lied and you loved it. You loved it in meetings when people where unkind cruel because I asked you to leave you didn’t like me finishing it when I stopped contact because social services had advised me remember at x road when I stood at the door and you at the gate you threatened me when I told you to get a solicitor to access contact to go to court and you said that this isn’t over that you would tell everybody what kind of person I was then you threatened me saying watch my back because you never know what could happened to me and you called me a stupid bitch and you wait and then the next week you raped me for the last time you held me down and raped me because you wanted my silence because of F. the week before they spoke to F. at school when I said I heard F. say daddy no I came in her room and you were holding F. and I said if you touch her I would fucking kill you and then I took F. in our room

I then a week late left to Wales and then came back when the safety unit ask you to leave the property that’s it you threatened me because I told a psychologist what F. had said and one act of sexual abuse towards me and then you wanted revenge to shut me up so you raped me because I told them what I heard you say and also I told social services like the psychologist those two things and you raped me to keep my mouth shut about the abuse I suffered and then the kids told me. All I know is that you touched both of our children in the private parts F.  won’t talk about it J. gets angry snd you manipulated the professionals in believing that I put in the kids heads it hurts more than anything that you knew what I went through as a child to be that cruel and a bitch to do that to are two are beautiful children I may be many things swear shout get angry sometimes be a right cow but not that because I know what it feels like to be raped as a child to try and tell my mum who told me to I didn’t know the meaning of troubles and what did I have to worrying and trouble about again dismissive.

The most hurtful S. is how you made out to others I was abusive but it was all a ploy to rape and abuse me more and tell others that I was crazy and a liar do you know the pain and devastation you have cause me the emotional distress the anger the shame the guilt the sadness and how now professionals keep treating me because of your lies and your manipulated behaviour.

Do you know how it feels when I found out you never went to prison because your mum told me. You told me V and mentioned to P. that you had been in prison and had been raped. Just before you left we went to stay at your mums and she told me that you never went to prison. I confronted you and you said because I brought up in family therapy you didn’t want to tell V. that you had lied so you carry on telling us that you been in prison and you been raped. When I told the professionals you lied and made out why I m crazy but S. you told me and I confronted you do you know what it feels like to be raped do you do you know how scared you are how you’re a kid and you froze and then you leave youe body do you know what it feels like when I asked for help S. do you and you lied because your plausible more than me with all my emotions all over the place whose a professional going to believe an emotional swearing shouting crying women and a man who sits their calmly looking like butter melted in their mouth. Not me the emotional reck but you S. you because they never look at your mental health record but mine and judged me because of you they judge me blamed me put the children on child protection nearly lost them nearly put in a box bullied laughed at ridiculed and you lied and manipulated and blamed me and the children and never ever look at yourself but pointed the finger S what does that say never ever took responsibility ever blamed everyone else. Did you know what you did you raped me held me down pinned me and violated my body you left bruises up and down my arm down my upper thighs you made me feel guilty dirty ashamed you made me feel that I was disgusting you made me feel like a liar and crazy you tied me often to a bed you not only put pinned me down when I was waking up another time but put your finger in and out of my backside I confronted you about those things except the rape I did that in a court of law the times I woke up in bed and my bum hurt and their was blood and I sat in the bath crying because my body was hurt. The time I woke and you were on top of me and it hurt so much that I went into the bathroom and sat crying in the bath washing myself because I felt dirty and ashamed . The time that you started to go to the domestic violence group and F. at the end of the bed and you’d be strangling me and my whole body was shaking I tried to tell the worker what you did but in the end I was told because of my mental health problems and my anger at times that it was my fault that you abuse me I cried myself to sleep when the mental health team turned their back and took away my support so you could do more to abuse and rape me often I wanted you to kill me because it was better than facing you everyday knowing whether I was going to live or die or how many more times you were going to violate my body.

Do you remember how you use to have me up in the middle of the night telling me I was crazy that their was another person in our relationship. How at 3 in the morning you kept telling me what was wrong with me but also psychoanalysing me just like a therapist and all I wanted to do was going to sleep. How I was drug so I then could not get of the bed and you could do what you want with me and my body. Do you realise what you have done do you do you realise the pain you have cause not only my mind but to my body do you or trust do you I do not trust people because of you do you I have no friends because of your violating my mind body and spirit but I will live again not for you but for me S for me I will heal and will live again because I have a love of two wonderful kids and I have love and respect for myself you might of took my body mind and spirit S. I am still healing S but you never took my compassion my empathy my intelligence you never took my strength my honesty or integrity S you never took my talents S you never took my love for two kids S you never took my parenthood S you never took my poems and S you might have taken my mind my body my spirit for a while but I am reclaiming them S and slowly I will heal and build my mind my body my spirit because their mine not yours S do you get it S you took but im reclaiming them because their mine not your S and will never be yours S every again or anybody elses.


*Some details have been changed to protect privacy of writer.


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One thought on “my life with my rapist and the pain its caused me

  • Ellen says:

    I am so sorry. You seem like a very intelligent person, who understands that what happened to them was not your fault, and that their abuser fictionalized things to make themselves seem like the real victim. I hope you can be surrounded by people who understand this and treat you right. ♡♡♡