Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

My ex fiancé blames me and accused me of lying about it

We've been broken up a while so I feel like it shouldn't still affect me but it really does.

One time, when we were together, I made the mistake of letting an old friend into my flat. I knew he liked me but I'd told him that it wasn't going to happen. He had always been a good guy in the years that I'd known him so I had a sense of safety and trust around him.

He attacked me then, assaulted me. I don't think he realised what he did until he saw blood and saw me crying and in pain. He ran off. My neighbour came to see me a little while later and I couldn't contain the emotions I was feeling. She told me to tell my then fiancé.

I did and he accused me of cheating on him. He told me I was stupid and it was my fault. We still stayed together for a while but we just sort of brushed the whole ordeal under the rug. He wouldn't talk about it. He once read a diary entry in my book about that type and ended up trashing my whole flat and getting really high when I wasn't in. I came home after a long day at work and had to clean up everything, including him. I never complained once.

Now, some time after we broke up, I'm being told that he has told people that I lied about being attacked as an excuse for cheating and that I probably wanted it. He's convinced so many that I'm nothing but a whore... Usually, I don't care what people say about me but after hearing this, from the one man that I loved enough to almost marry, it cuts really deep.

I just feel worthless. Invalidated. Unimportant. I feel like I am a whore. I know I made a mistake to let that guy in and I feel like I'm always going to be punished for it. A big part of me agrees with him when he says it's my fault... It's just hard. All I want to do is die.

I didn't want that guy to touch me at all... I guess he'll never believe me and now he's told so many about it and they all think I lied to get away with cheating. It hurts. I feel gross.


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4 thoughts on “My ex fiancé blames me and accused me of lying about it

  • Admin says:

    Your ex-fiance is wrong. This is not your fault. You are not responsible. Your former friend made the choice to assault you. The responsibility lies with him alone.

    The lies your former fiance is saying about you are just that: lies. He is covering up for being a selfish jerk who refused to help support the woman he supposedly loved following a deeply traumatic experience. He had no right to blame you and he has no right to tell lies about you.

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites. Please reach out to one of these specialist organisations. Because you are not a whore or worthless or responsible. You are the victim of a crime and you deserve the people around you to treat you with the love and respect.

    Please remember that we believe you.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

  • Louise Pennington says:

    I believe you. And, you are not responsible for the criminal act committed by your former friend nor do you deserve the abuse from your ex-fiance.

    Please do reach out to Rape Crisis. Because you are not responsible. And you are important. x

  • elisa hill says:

    Your Ex, and the “friend” are wrong, and are best out of your life,you did not ask for any of this, you trusted two men who let you down badly, and you deserve better.NON of this was your fault, please don’t ever think that.I know it hurts when you have your trust broken so badly, and then he tells lies about you,my Ex husband lies about me, and tells my friends i am lying, about his violence.Please don’t isolate yourself from your friends or family, be around those who love you.It will help to heal your broken heart.

  • Diane Reece says:

    I believe you, I suffered terrible abuse at the hands of my husband for 16yrs and he blames me and pretends to be the victim. Those who don’t believe you aren’t worth bothering with. Your friends will stand by you but you need to get support from rape crisis, they will help you as they did me. You can get through this, don’t give up hope x