Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

My Boyfriend Blames Me…

Last night I went to a party with two of my friends, and it was to another friend's house about an hour away. I was smoking weed and had been drinking, so when I started to feel sick, I went to my friend's bedroom with one of the girls I had came there with. I laid down because I was dizzy and nauseous, and I ended up blacking out.
When I woke up, a guy was on top of me with his hands up my shirt and he was kissing me. I tried to get him off me but he held me down and I couldn't move. My friend came back into the room at that point and got the guy off me. She said she was so sorry and that she had just gone to the bathroom and was getting me a bottle of water.
I didn't care because all I wanted to do was go home.... So we got our friend and left.
The next morning, I told my boyfriend about it. He doesn't believe that I'm telling the truth. He says that I wanted it and that I liked it, or else I would've called the cops. But he doesn't understand the fact that all I wanted to do was go home... I have been raped before (long before I met my boyfriend) and when the guy was on top of me I was so scared that I was going to be raped again. So when my friend saved me from that guy, I just wanted to be home. I didn't want to deal with resurfacing emotions again. He also doesn't understand that if I had called the cops, everyone in that house would have been arrested because of all the drugs that were there.... If he had done more to me, I would have called them. I only wanted to be home; I didn't want to call the police. I chose not to call the police.

I was only trying to be honest with him and talk through how it made me feel. But he says I'm lying and that I'm not telling the whole story or else I would've called the cops. He's making me feel like it was my fault, when I was just trying to remain loyal to him by being honest about everything.
He says "I don't care. This just shows what kind of person you really are. I'm done with you." and any time I try to talk to him, he just sends a message saying "done"
I blame myself and I feel so dirty. I've caused so many problems and if I just knew how to stay home, I wouldn't be in this mess... How do I feel like it's not my fault? What do I even say to my boyfriend...? How am I supposed to approach this situation?


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One thought on “My Boyfriend Blames Me…

  • Katie says:

    Hi Mandy

    This is in no way your fault. You did nothing to deserve it. This man sexually assaulted you whilst you were unconscious and could not have consented.

    Your boyfriend is being unfair and very unsupportive. I think you deserve better, and he should understand that you could not have consented and that this would bring up feelings from being raped previously. If he doesn’t believe you then honestly I think he is not worth being with. Most women don’t report to the police, and this is for all kinds of reasons. You don’t need to feel badly about that and it doesn’t make someone a liar. If he doesn’t believe you then there is not much trust or support there. You can be with someone who will believe you and support you and know that sexual assault is never the victim’s fault. You can’t make someone believe you unfortunately. People are conditioned to believe all kinds of things about rape and sexual assault which aren’t true. I hope that you get the support you deserve.