Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

My Boyfriend Blames Me For My Rape

About two months ago my boyfriend was out of town so I met a friend and his girlfriend at a local bar. Throughout the night the friend I had met kept talking shit about my boyfriend so I chose to move to the bar and chat with some other locals instead of continuing to hang out with them.

Not long after I moved to the bar the two friends I originally went to meet decided to leave. I was having fun chatting with the other people and told them I did not want to leave with them and that I would just walk home later.

After my friends left I remember nothing. My night went completely black and I woke up the next day naked in my living room with pain in my abdomen and bruises on my arms and inner thighs. There was also a large amount of money missing from my apartment.

When my boyfriend got home I told him that I was really scared something happened to me and I went to the emergency room and had a rape kit down/reported the incident. Since then my boyfriend has been very supportive and I have gone to weekly counseling to try to deal with everything.

This week a new case officer got assigned to my report and started contacting the last people I was with including the two people I originally went to meet. When he did this the friends I had met got extremely upset and felt as though they were being blamed and that I should have told them what happened, they then sent images from that night of me looking extremely intoxicated and looking "flirty" with a stranger at the bar to my boyfriend.

This one innocent photo and the words of that friend have now caused my boyfriend to question everything. He told me last night that he thinks its my fault I drank to much and brought a guy back to our place. He and my "friends" now say that I am lying that I do not remember and am saying that because I regret my actions.

I am feeling helpless because I don't have anything else I can do or say to explain what I do not remember. All i know is I love my boyfriend. I don't understand how my physical injuries that night and the PTSD symptoms I have had since then are not enough for them and that one photo can discredit my entire painful experience.

I would love any advise on how to deal with this as I do not want to lose him.


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One thought on “My Boyfriend Blames Me For My Rape

  • Stephen Madill says:

    Seems v likely you were drugged. It’s beyond sad that your “friends” have reacted the way they have. Hard tho it must be for you, they’re probably reacting this way to avoid their feelings of guilt. But these reactions are what “rape culture” (horrible, but accurate term) encourages. No-one, most certainly not you, but neither your disloyal friends, are to blame for what happened to you. Only the man/men who did this to you. I only hope your partner wakes up to this absolute truth and that you can somehow rebuild your life. There’s only two paths he can go down: Believe & support you, or blame and therefore, deliberately or not, undermine your recovery. I can only salute your strength and courage in sharing this; have no doubt you are helping many others by doing so. I wish you all the best and hope you find strength and support from some of the people around you.