My boyfriend accuses me of doing gross things when I actually did not when I was raped
After being raped, I told everything to my boyfriend and he keeps accusing and saying I should have fought, screamed, etc. and accuses me of doing all kinds of ugly things that he thinks the rapist made me do. And he insist he believes it could not have happened any other way, because "no man having a woman at his disposal wouldn't have tried to push her to do this, knowing she would not fight back" (because I didn't; still don't know if the rapist put something on my drink or not, cause at that moment I was barely able to think, let alone fight back and still don't know if this is true or I'm just trying to shift blame, but I'm so exhausted of thinking about it and blame myself - I'm still trying to forgive myself - ).
Anyways, I don't know how to convince him that all I told him about that night is true and the man did not push me to do the gross things he believes I had done. I know it should not be necessary to convince him, but it consumes all my energy to try to explain myself over and over again that I DID NOTHING MORE. I DID NOT WANT IT. I AM SOOO TRYING TO RECOVER and I am trying soo hard to explain it was something that WAS DONE TO ME, NOT something I did.
It's hard for me too to understand my boyfriend's position and I am trying to have patience and still explain again and again, but he acts very firm and unshakeable, saying I absolutely lie to him, it couldn't have been ONLY that. It makes me feel like for him to be real, it must have been more. Like me being sexually abused and made to look at myself naked in front of a mirror with the rapist next to me is not humiliating, degrading and torturing enough.
I feel so exhausted and angry about myself for trying to prove to him that I'm not lying...
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