Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

My boyfriend accuses me of doing gross things when I actually did not when I was raped

After being raped, I told everything to my boyfriend and he keeps accusing and saying I should have fought, screamed, etc. and accuses me of doing all kinds of ugly things that he thinks the rapist made me do. And he insist he believes it could not have happened any other way, because "no man having a woman at his disposal wouldn't have tried to push her to do this, knowing she would not fight back" (because I didn't; still don't know if the rapist put something on my drink or not, cause at that moment I was barely able to think, let alone fight back and still don't know if this is true or I'm just trying to shift blame, but I'm so exhausted of thinking about it and blame myself - I'm still trying to forgive myself - ).

Anyways, I don't know how to convince him that all I told him about that night is true and the man did not push me to do the gross things he believes I had done. I know it should not be necessary to convince him, but it consumes all my energy to try to explain myself over and over again that I DID NOTHING MORE. I DID NOT WANT IT. I AM SOOO TRYING TO RECOVER and I am trying soo hard to explain it was something that WAS DONE TO ME, NOT something I did.

It's hard for me too to understand my boyfriend's position and I am trying to have patience and still explain again and again, but he acts very firm and unshakeable, saying I absolutely lie to him, it couldn't have been ONLY that. It makes me feel like for him to be real, it must have been more. Like me being sexually abused and made to look at myself naked in front of a mirror with the rapist next to me is not humiliating, degrading and torturing enough.

I feel so exhausted and angry about myself for trying to prove to him that I'm not lying...


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9 thoughts on “My boyfriend accuses me of doing gross things when I actually did not when I was raped

  • Admin says:

    Your boyfriend has no right to blame you for your rape; nor should you be trying to prove that you are telling the truth. He should have trusted you immediately and offered his unconditional support. That is what a loving and caring partner would do without any prompting. Right now you need to focus on yourself and find the appropriate support for you (whether that be friends, family or specialist support organisations). Please be kind to yourself and focus on you right now.

    We’ve included the numbers of the national Rape Crisis helplines below. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen and who will believe you. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

  • Scarlet says:

    Thank you for being so brave and telling us about your situation. I know how much courage that takes. You now need to make yourself your first priority so that you can move forward in strength and power. I am concerned that your boyfriend has issues of his own that are harmful to you. It seems like he is fetishising what happened to you in a very unhealthy way. It could stop your recovery and seems to be making you feel bad. You could both have some counselling to get to the root of this, or consider whether it is good for you to have him in your life? As a survivor of abuse, my instinct would be to make self protection and happiness the number one priority, which means leaving people that make you feel bad behind. It’s your decision, of course, but I find moving on a very positive step that makes us stronger. There will be someone out there that loves and treasures you and does not define you by what happened. You deserve that. Sending you love and hope. SW

  • Samantha Jordan says:

    You did nothing wrong, it was not your fault and you deserve help, understanding and time to heal from your boyfriend. I find some of the comments he has made quite disturbing. There’s only a certain kind of man that would do what was done to you and that is a r*pist. Your boyfriend is saying ‘any man would make you do things’ this is such an awful thing to say and is most definitely not true! Be kind to yourself as you heal from this trauma and surround yourself with kind supportive people. You did nothing wrong.

  • Catherine says:

    It is not your fault. Do not listen to your boyfriend and I am not sure it is healthy for you to be with him after he has such things. No one is to blame for rape and I like you was silent and didn’t fight back but that doesn’t mean that either of us are to blame. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I sincerely hope things will get easier for you soon.

  • Survivor says:

    Your boyfriend sounds like my abusive ex. If he doesn’t understand what you have been through and support you, he doesn’t deserve you. You need to find a place that is emotionally good for you. Prioritize yourself and do what you think is best and if it means leaving your boyfriend, so be it. Love and strength from my end.

  • Jess says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that someone who is supposed to love you is treating you in such a way. It is absolutely unacceptable for you to be expected to repeatedly relive and justify such a traumatic experience. This is about you, no one else’s feelings matter in this case. You need to put yourself first; seek counselling, be around people who are supportive, give yourself time to process and heal, and remember that NONE of this is in any way your fault. Sending you my very best wishes.

  • Nat says:

    You do not need to convince your boyfriend of anything. You deserve his support and belief in you. If he doesn’t give you that he doesn’t deserve you. You can do better.

    I am particularly concerned about his comments regarding what “any man with a woman at his disposal” would do. This is the mentality of an abuser. I worry that this man will use your pain to hurt you more. Please try to get away from him.

    You are worthy. You are loved.

  • Jenny says:

    Your priority right now should be on yourself and you shouldn’t be consuming energy trying to convince your boyfriend of your experience. Is he bringing anything to your recovery with his attitude and can you see yourself overcoming this with him in your life?
    It does not matter if the rapist put something in your dink or not, without consent it is rape. The rapist is to blame, not you, and you have nothing to forgive yourself for.