Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

My Abuser is the One Everyone Believes

I'll start off with that I'm a lesbian and I've recently left an abusive relationship. One where I was experiencing verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. The problem is that only my mother and my best friend believe me. No one else believes that she would ever talk to me the way that she did or do the things that she did. I'd had a prior relationship with my abuser with similar circumstances, and she eventually left and hurt me very badly, so I had moved on and found someone else, and then she came back and said that she'd changed and that thing would be different. I said no, but was eventually manipulated in to coming back, which should have been my initial red flag. I had an indescretion throughout the relationship with the woman that I'd left because she was in a delicate position and I couldn't leave her to her own devices for fear of her hurting herself. When she found out she was furious and things never went back to normal, he would berate me and tel me that I was lucky she came back because no one else would. When she was angry was when she was the worst though. She would scream and yell at me, and there were times when she did beat me. More than once she made me fear for my life, but I sat and took it because I couldn't do better and was afraid to leave. When I talke to her about the abuse she always said it was me, or she said it wasn't really abuse, and when I talked to her about the times she hit me she said she just wished that she'd done it harder. She was remorseless in the face of all of it until she saw me trying to leave. And I wasn't perfect, I admit it, I was still talking to my ex, platonically. I know it was wrong of me, and every fiber of me wanted not to, and I wouldn't have done it but I didn't know who else to talk to about what was happening to me, I didn't have any friends and I couldn't talk to my mother and make her worry about me. One night she found out about it and she beat me, then kicked me out. I was staying at her place and she threw me and all my stuff out the next morning, I'm thankful that she didn't just throw me out in the middle of the night. I was over 100 miles from home and she said it was my fault for doing what I'd done. I had to call my mom and tell her everything that'd happened crying so I could get a bus ticket back home. I know I messed up and it's my fault that all of it happened, but I was so alone and I couldn't talk to anyone about the abuse and the beatings. I know I messed up and I wasn't a good partner in the slightest. I'm away from her now at least, but there's only two people that believe me: my mom and my ex. What bothers me the most is that other people that we knew, know that she hit me, but they all agree that she should've just done it harder. No one believes how horribly she treated me because she's so... Outgoing and she's smaller than me and she's just so "nice." Hell, half the time I don't believe it, and I went through the bruises and the therapy. And I feel bad because I miss her and I know I shouldn't, but she could be a really sweet person and when she was she was wonderful. But that was only part of the time. I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I thought maybe it'd help me vent. It's important people know that it happens in LGBTQ relationships too. Maybe I want people to realize that more, but really I think I just want validation and someone who'll believe me. It just hurts...


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2 thoughts on “My Abuser is the One Everyone Believes

  • Ellen says:

    I’m so sorry this happened to you, and how awful for people to deny it! I find it horrible how people justify beating and yelling and say it isn’t abuse, when in fact it very much is. Its normal to miss her, though, because many other people who have been in manipulative relationships (myself included) had valid, real feelings for their abusers. I hope you don’t think you brought this upon yourself, and that someone finds you that can take care of you. Sending good thoughts!

  • Nat says:

    I believe you. This is NOT your fault. You deserve to be loved and treasured. You do not deserve the pain you have been dealt. I am glad that you managed to escape.

    Stay strong. Be safe. X