Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse


My experience is with stalking,my ex husband X, is what is called a "simple obsessional stalker", and it has taken a very expensive intervention from a Women rights solicitor,with a letter to X, and one to the Police,to make him stop, so now any outward following/stalking has ended, but he has ingratiated himself into my friendship circle, and even into my Family, to the point where i cant visit my daughters house because he could be there at any time.So he is able to "communicate" through them, ususally with how he has changed, and how i am wrong not to take him back.

Victim Blaming...I am seen as the one in the wrong, for not believing him by my "friends" (He was violent, and raped me through the marriage and the only way i was able to cope was antidepressants, until one day i knew that it was him causing it and got him to leave). I have been to the Police on numerous occasions, spoken to women officers specialising in Sexual abuse,and was told they could not do anything as it was too long ago, but "if he started stalking me", to come back and they would take action,so when he started appearing where he knew i would be,i went back "he is stalking me, and has been previously violent," the same female officer said" we cant do anything unless he is violent in the present episode of stalking" Despite me telling them how scared and intimidated i felt. Of course the letter from the solicitor has forced them to take notice if i need call them about him. I know that if he even tries to talk to me, he would be arrested. But what about the other women going through this who cant afford the £300?..Why wont the Police actually help women in this situation? I was made to feel like a vengefull Ex trying to get revenge...Victim blaming, i was told by the Police to not go where i wanted to incase it provoked him but to avoid places he would be,so a Church i had been going to for 15yrs i had to stop going to,(because he started going to..) i cant go to my dughters house,or friends houses. In fact i am ashamed to say my Daughter believes Him and lets him into her house,despite him being violent to her then 5 and 6 year old brothers,which i did not know about until after i made him leave.As i am a Christian he has been to those who run the churches claiming i have not forgiven him, which is a big thing among the Christian community. It is hard not to feel overwhelmed by his actions, and his attempts to take away so many good things in my life.I am now rejected by my daughter,who insists i go to her house when he may be there... which of course i cant..I hate to say this but is there anything else this Creep can take from me?..,but there probably is...

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5 thoughts on “MRS

  • Ali Wilkin says:

    This is not your fault – and as a Christian too, I know how badly wrong other people in the Christian communities can get it about forgiveness. I would strongly recommend you read Dianna Anderson’s blog – she specialises in Christian Purity culture and has often talked about this. My thoughts, love and prayers are with you. I believe you.

  • Joanne Douglas says:

    I’m so sorry you are still going through this after finding the courage to leave your abusive partner; it sounds like an extremely upsetting and frightening situation. You could still get help and emotional support from a domestic violence and abuse support organisation, for example, Women’s Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk.

  • Les Morgan says:

    I agree with Ali & joanne thoughts/comments, plus add that there are people out that can be helpful & supportive, you just need to ask (easy to say i know) if you have a job, check if there`s any support services, look in to joining a union where you will could get support & free Legal advice.

  • Liz says:

    I was stalked by my ex husband, who also tried to ingratiate himself with my family members, so I fully empathise with your situation. I hope you can get some support Women’s Aid and Rape Crisis are good and may be able to suggest ways to talk to your daughter about the controlling behaviour he has been using on her.

  • E says:

    Thank you all for your lovely comments and understanding,thank you for saying you believe me too! it means a lot,God bless you all