Last night at a club I was groped by two men. I was complaining to my boyfriend about this and he asked if I was telling him this to make him jealous and pointed out that I do lead men on by smiling too much (!).
I appreciate that this experience is on a far smaller scale than many but I would love to find some easy to read, idiot proof literature on victim blaming to show my boyfriend how dangerous this attitude is.
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Blimey! So if your clothes aren’t consent it’s your smile now is it?? Wow! Anything but hear a NO hey.
I’m sorry this happened to you and whilst you say this is only small compared to others stories, being touched without consent will always be a violent crime. These men chose to touch you, in public. Men do these things to upset, scare and intimidate and they do these things because they believe they are entitled to women’s bodies.
Smiling has nothing to do with it. Nothing. Men grope women for no other reason than because they think they can, they believe they have the right and most importanty, they enjoy that power over women.
It sounds like your boyfriend has turned something that has happened to YOU and tried to make it about HIMSELF for some reason- you are his girlfriend but your body, your soul is yours. You do not belong to him and if his fitst emotion when you are groped is jealousy then he should grow up (i’m really sorry if this sounds harsh-i hate it when people criticise my boyfriend, even when i know they are right).
Never stop smiling or alter your behavior. It won’t stop this kind of behaviour from entitled men and will only make you question yourself constantly.
There aren’t enough people in the world who smile at strangers and it is wonderful.
your boyfriend deserves some logic class. SMILING does not mean GROPE ME! there is reasonable way to explain smiling as an act of groping.
you say you were groped and he thinks you want to make him jealous.
he must go to logic classes for at least one year because his conclusions are so disjointed.
ok…. what a male smiles what does it mean?
An excellent book on how and why innumerable adult males and boys engage in sexually harassing/sexually assaulting women and girls is Back Off by Martha J. Langelan. Ms. Langelan explains men and boys engage in this crime because it not only reinforces male dominance over women and girls but also reinforces the male sexual harasser/predator belief in his male right of sexual ownership of women and girls.
These men committed a crime – they subjected you to sexual assault. ‘Groping’ is a common malestream media term which neatly euphemises/hides the specific acts men commonly subject women and girls to. Men and boys are not routinely subjected to other males touching their bodies intimately and neither are males routinely subjected to other males touching or hugging them without specific permission. Why? Because men have always accorded themselves ownership and autonomy over their bodies but men and boys continue to enact their misogynistic belief that any female of any age is males’ public and/or private sexual property. Your boyfriend also believes this misogynistic lie and he believes women and girls are responsible for preventing male sexual predatory behaviour. Such women-hating beliefs neatly erases male accountability and the fact males make the choice and enact their agency whenever they decide to sexually assault a female.
You do not owe any male a ‘smile’ but males continue to believe we women and girls exist to give males a sexual high by ‘smiling at them on demand! We do not.
Hollaback London just did a great video about the myths of harassment like this which might be easy for him to check out http://buff.ly/1nHQbSZ. Good luck!