Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse


Looking for advice.. A month ago I was raped by a "friend" of mine and my husbands. I will try to keep this short and to the point. I went out for a girls night with my friends, I hadn't drank in months and ended up completly obliterated after a couple hours. My closest friend left and I was with a couple of her friends who I didn't know too well. They left after offering me a ride home and me declining saying I wanted to stay because I was having fun. I was at a bar where I knew some other people and the bartenders pretty well. The male bartender being the mutual friend of my husband and mine. I threw up in the bathroom and the our "friend" said he had to stop serving me and also told me I could not drive home. He then told me he would take me and I had no problem with that considering he had always looked out for me before when I was there. Long story short, after agreeing to a ride from him when he's off I don't remember anything. A couple people I know from there told me afterwards I was singing karaoke and having a blast but I have no recollection. Next thing I remember is I was on top of him in his truck, naked. I remember saying stop and getting out of the truck looking for my clothes and realizing we were in HIS driveway. I puked and told him to take me to my car which he did and I went home. I felt sick to my stomach for days following and finally my weekly therapy appointment came about and I told my therapist the everything. Before talking to her I was blaming myself and told my self I cheated on my husband. She made it clear to me what happened happened TO me and that I was raped. Hearing and understanding that made me feel even worse. Later that week I told my husband everything and since then has been horrible. He is blaming me and feeling sorry for himself that I "cheated" on him. One minute he will say he's sorry that happened to me like he actually gets what happened to me and the next he is making it about him and how I messed up. He is also an alcoholic and that is not helping anything. He got drunk at a friends house and told them I cheated on him. I am so confused and upset because if I tel him it hurts me when he does these things he apologizes and tells me how much he loves me and he is so sorry that happened to me and he's just having a hard time. But meanwhile I am still trying not to blame myself as it is and when these things happen it makes it worse. What do I do? Is anyone else in a situation simalar to mine? I love my husband so much but don't know if I am letting him manipulate me and he is actually an asshole or if he is struggling just like I am but dealing with it differently. Him being an alcoholic makes it impossible to try to resolve this and I have no idea where to go from here.


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One thought on “Lulu

  • Katie says:

    I am so sorry you were raped. It was not your fault at all. It’s a difficult situation to be in with your husband and I am not sure how you can resolve it with him being an alcoholic but you need to take care of you and be sure that you were raped and not let anyone be able to convince you otherwise. It was 100% not cheating and he has no right to say that. I am glad your therapist knows this was rape. I hope you can know that it was rape and that you were in no fit state to consent. Sometimes others don’t understand but they weren’t there so they can’t judge – they should believe you and support you and I hope that you get that belief and support from others if not your husband. I recommend talking to Rape Crisis – they are very helpful. Also there are some great books about rape. If you think that your husband might be manipulating you and be an asshole then trust yourself to decide that. Talk to your therapist about his behaviour and also you could read up about narcissism and a behaviour called “hoovering” as that could explain the “hot and cold” and apologising and then being out of order. Lots of love and healing to you.