Looking To Be Found (content note)
When I was 15 years old I started seeing this guy. This was the first time in my life I'd received any legitimate male attention. I was the shy, quiet girl and he was the popular hockey player. I could not believe that this guy was showing interest in me. Our relationship consisted mainly of simply just texting (which I recognize now is not a real relationship), with a couple of hangout sessions and conversations at school. This guy did not treat me kindly or respect me as he would talk to other girls behind my back. Eventually I got fed up with his deceit and told him I did not want to be with him anymore. Eventually, however, he sent me a huge apology and then naive girl that I was gave in. After talking on and off for about 5 months, we both participated in a school travel group. The thought of hanging out with him alone in a hotel room made me extremely nervous but I knew I could handle it. Or at least I thought I could. One night as we were hanging out he started to kiss me. This was fine. As we were kissing he started to kind handsy, his hands making his way to my butt. It did not escalate past this so I was okay. After this occurred, as we talked about it I informed him that although I had a nice time, I was not comfortable or willing to go any further than we had gone that night. He told me he completely understood and that we would not have to do anything else. I felt very relieved after having this conversation. The next day rolled around and I found myself hanging out with him again. We started to kiss again which was fine. However, before I knew it, I felt his hands traveling down my pants. I was in complete shock. I could not believe that this was happening. His hands eventually made their way all the way down as he started to penetrate my vagina with his fingers. I couldn't move. In my head I was screaming no and asking myself why this was happening. However, I could not find the words to say it to him. I was completely frozen in place. The very night before I told him I was not comfortable doing anything like this yet I somehow found myself in the situation I dreaded most. After this night ended I just tried to continue on my life as if it never happened. Eventually it became too much and I completely broke down. I acted as though everything that happened was completely fine even though I was falling apart inside. This happened to me almost five years ago to the day. He still has no idea about the pain he has caused me. I've had excellent support systems in my life: friends, family, psychiatrists. However, I still struggle with whether or not this incident was my fault and if I was actually sexually abused.
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