Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Letter my mother in law wrote whole family after my husbands arrest for abuse

Here is an email my soon to be ex mother in law sent the entire family about me after my husband was arrested for (and later plead guilty to) domestic violence. He is on his 5th DUI. None with me all gotten living with her. Also I have a severed tailbone from the violence, I'm on the 5th shot in my back and will need PT for life. It was not the first the police were called to our home. Many other incidents. I have PTSD diagnosised, so does my oldest daughter (we both get help) and my youngest kids both require stomach medication from stress and go to counseling at a dv organization. This was a devestating letter to me. It's a prime example of what victim blaming looks like. I've made his name Xxx mine Qqq. Truth was my parents called the police my mom was on the phone when he attacked me. I was to scared to press charges the police felt they had enough without me and had been out so many times they were done. I was never violent to him. I included a picture of the bruise left from when he threw me on the dishwasher and severed my tailbone. There are many more and that day as he was hungover telling me what a bad mother I was and names I literally begged over 50 times in these words "please just leave me alone" my toddlers saw the entire thing.

Here is the email she sent the entire family after his arrest

"Sorry to start your Sunday like this, and please ignor any misspelled words.
Well family, she has done it again. She called the police on Xxx (sat. January 18) for no reason and he is in jail now. Anyone who can help him get bailed out would be greatly appreciated!
I am begging you all to ignore her she is mentally disturbed! She deliberately bates him, he remains calm and will not take the bait then she calls the police anyway! The real truth is that she abuses him, and the kids, with her screaming violent tyraids. She keeps accusing him of abusing her and makes some claim of a broken tailbone. The truth behind it is that (more than 2 years ago) she had one of her many tantrums and proceeded to throw garbage from the trash can all over the kitchen. Threw garbage all over the walls, kitchen table, everything. Xxx went over to her to subdue her and took her down to the ground, but the dishwasher door was open and she landed on it in the stumbling around. It was an accident!
She keeps making claims that he is so abusive then why did she bail him out of jail? Why does she repeatedly beg him to come back? The bigger question is why does he keep going back? His reasoning is for the kids and I do understand that but it always ends in tragedy for him. She screams at all the kids too, as well as Xxx. She will have her episode of remorse, but then she will be evil wife and mother again. She is very very sick. You have got to understand that yes Xxx has his own demons to deal with, he is an alcoholic, but her personality and attitude are bringing him down. Who would not want to drink just to make it stop. He is now in the custody of the DDD County Sheriff, & was suppose to work today, he has lots of work lined up. You have got to wonder what her thinking is, he is the bread winner and he can't get to work. My quess is that she is not too smart and vendetta is her primary goal. She will try to block him from seeing his kids, she will punish him by any means necessary and she has already done so much harm to all of us. He is in custody for a domestic battery of which never occured. This new arrest jeopardizes his DUI because he is not suppose to get in trouble with the law. And quess what! she knows that. Its his word against hers. She has the police on speed dial and I warned him that this was going to happen, even as recently as yesturday afternoon. She takes his cell phone while he is in the shower and goes through everything to see what he has been doing all day. She found out that he talked to his mother, yes thats me! And that started argument number 103 for that week. He can never do anything right, no one can do anything right, she is the only perfect person in the universe. As far as I am concerned she is a sociopath and I will make it my lifes work to help Xxx get those kids to safety. She sucks up to people to get what she wants to control them. I have turned the cheek many times just so I did not make life more difficult for Xxx and my grandchildren! I can assure you that I will not do it again. If Xxx goes back to her I will turn my back on the whole nightmare that has not changed one bit in the last 3 years. Yes, it will be three years soon. I will concentrate on my other 2 children and dedicate my time to the four grandchildren I do get to love and have a relationship with.
What motivates her is how she can screw with everyones lives who have not been on her side. How can she squash you like a bug. She is the most evil mastermind that ever walked the face of the earth.
Watch your back everyone she will be gunning for you all. She puts slanderous statements all over facebook, blogs, emails, texting me nasty stuff. She is blocked from my email and cell phone. I'm kind of sorry she is, I should just keep letting her do it so I can have her arrested for harrassment. What was I thinking.
Right about now she is probably texting everyone who will listen. All those people who are fooled into thinking POOR Qqq! POOR Qqq INDEED! She had the chance to have a nice family and she deficated on all of us. Oh, shes not done yet, about the time BBB turns 18, when she can no longer manipulate any of the AAA, thats when she will be done. Or probably never.
Xxx family and freinds should rally around him, support him, believe him. She is not to be trusted!"


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2 thoughts on “Letter my mother in law wrote whole family after my husbands arrest for abuse

  • Suzi says:

    I’m so sorry that you and your children have had to go through all of this. As for his mother, well it looks like either she’s in severe denial over her “little darling” son or we know where he learned his abusive behaviour.

    As a mother, I love my son unconditionally but if he behaved like that towards his partner, I wouldn’t be making excuses for him. I would tell him that he was out of order and to go get some help fast. If I witnessed that sort of behaviour, I would call the police myself. It is totally possible to love your child but not to tolerate their unacceptable behaviour. In fact, what makes a truly loving mother is having the ability to tell your child the truth whether they like it or not.

  • Blef says:

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Men who inflict domestic violence are great manipulators. And lots of times their greatest ally is their mother, who cannot accept that their little darling is a violent, misogynistic bully.

    You are an amazing woman. I believe you.