It’s been 10 years and it still haunts me (content note for rape)
I was 18 or 19 when it happened. I had been with my (then) boyfriend for 2 years already when he wanted to try anal. I hesitated, because I wasn't too intrigued by the idea, but I agreed nonetheless.
I was in so much pain and discomfort that I asked him to stop multiple times. He did not.
Afterwards he asked, whether it really hat been _that_ painful because it had been amazing for him. I felt horrible - unseen, dirty and violated. He did it multiple times after that (different occasions of course). I always said that I was in pain but he never stopped, said he enjoyed it so much.
We never talked about it - I didn' even realize what he was doing to me. It took me a good 5 years to realize that I had been raped and I still haven't fully processed it.
I am now 28 and I am still hung up on the fact that he did this to me, that I let it happen, that I couldn't make him stop.
I have been in other relationships since then and I can truly enjoy sex but the fear that it might happen again is still there.
I trusted him and he betrayed me.. I don't know how to overcome this 🙁
We do NOT give permission for posts to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.