Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Is this abuse

I'm lost and don't know what to do.
Me and my husband have been together 18 years.
He's always had a higher sex drive than me. Although in my opinion having sex 2-3 times a week still after 18 years I class as a good sex life.
It's been building slowly but if I ever say no to sex he's had really bad moods, for two to 3 days. Which does have an impact on family life and my 8 year old child.
It's recently got a lot worse. For example if I say no, he will immediately get out of bed shouting "I'll go and sort myself out then." Then I won't see him for the next 3-4 hours.
He's even started giving ultimatums for example he won't just cuddle me unless we have sex.
I've got to the stage where having sex is a chore and feels very pressured with him because I'm scared to say no.
We've tried marriage counselling which resultied in him being told he's very passive aggressive. After that he no longer wanted to continue it because his opinion was, I'd twisted the coucellors mind to make out he's a bad person.
Don't get me wrong he's not a bad person in life, he work very hard and adores his family.
I love him very much.
Any advice is really welcomed thank you.


We do NOT give permission for posts to be reproduced, translated or otherwise published elsewhere. We will not contact people who submit their personal experiences on behalf of journalists, bloggers or other third sector organisations. These testimonies remain the intellectual copyright of their authors and must be treated with the ethical guidelines used by academics for research involving human subjects. Our full guidelines can be read here.



Comments are currently closed.

3 thoughts on “Is this abuse

  • Dandelion says:

    You may love him, as you say… and you need to love yourself and your child more.
    It’s hard to walk away from all that time,isn’t it? Keep going to the counselor even if he refuses. It’s a great learning opportunity.
    I hope you figure this out soon.

  • Helen Edwards says:

    Yes this is abuse …. I did this then he raped me as I said NO

  • Hecuba says:

    What your husband is inflicting on you is sexual violence not ‘abuse.’ He believes he has sacrosanct male sex right to demand and expect sexual contact with you whenever he demands. Reason he ‘sulks’ is to try and guilt trip you into believing you are responsible for his behaviour not him!

    Too many men continue to believe once a woman is married she must be sexually available to the husband 24/7 and if she dares to say no she is to blame because her body is owned by the husband.

    I suggest you read Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Men by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft has years of experience dealing with violent men who believe their wives are their personal possessions.

    I also suggest you contact Womens’ Aid because they can provide specialist support and help. Plus they are always non-judgemental and will not blame you. Of course you love him and yes doubtless he does love ‘his family’ but it is conditional wherein his needs must always be met irrespective of your rights and needs.