Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Is it unconsented if he was my boyfriend

I had a boyfriend about 5 or 6 months ago. He was quite a bit older than me but my dad who competed as a bodybuilder trained this guy as an NPC bodybuilder when he first came to the US from Saudi Arabia in 2012. Anyhow, I began dating him and he was completely the sweetest thing and I was absolutely obsessed with him. He was nice, gorgeous, and of course dating a foreign bodybuilder was exciting to me. Things started off really well and then he started to get a bit controlling. Insisted on seeing me everyday for at least 3 hours, telling me what I could and could not eat (I have anorexia), not trusting me to go out alone or text without him seeing. I really did love him at the time but I absolutely could not get turned on by him. Near everytime we would have sex it would result in me trying and failing to get him to stop because the pain was unbearable. He would apologize occasionally and would slow down but refused to stop and told me that he was almost done, etc. Afterwards he would go to shower and I'd stay in bed and try to get rid of the pain which usually left me in tears. I never told anyone about this because I wasn't sure, and still am not sure, if it was wrong. He was my boyfriend, i didn't leave him (eventually I did but for a different reason), and I still returned to his house even through I knew what would happen. I found him attractive, but the pain was so unbearable. It's very confusing to me but I know I don't feel good about it.


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One thought on “Is it unconsented if he was my boyfriend

  • Mystery Girl says:

    Hello. Unfortunately yes, it was definitely rape. You had asked him to stop, but he kept going. You weren’t consenting anymore, and he was supposed to respect that. Saudi Arabia is a very misogynistic country, so he probably had a warped view of women to begin with. I had a similar issue as you do with my boyfriend. When we had sex, I felt a lot of pain as well. I asked him to stop, and he did not listen, and would not, so I know just how you feel. It feels awful. I’m very sorry that you experienced that. Now it’s time to heal from our trauma. I was raped before by a stranger, and that was difficult enough to get over! Take good care. Maybe consider counseling? I have a therapist who I see every week. I feel for you…I’m sorry this happened to you.