Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

‘In the public interest.’ Victims deserve public interest too.

‘In the Public Interest’

How can I articulate the revulsion of not being able to communicate the trauma he caused me? I am Alice in Wonderland where nothing makes sense and the world around me is a different film where everyone else understands the plot, they have control over their character, they are safe, they are not bullied and can interpret reality. Every key I try to unlock myself doesn’t fit and my cries for help are muted.

With great trepidation I walked through the doorway of CRASAC. Now aged forty-three I had the collywobbles, feeling childlike telling on my first boyfriend, in that, well, he should not have been my first boyfriend. He was in fact a pillar of society, a trusted professional.
It was such a relief to be heard, believed and assisted not just for my own protection but sharing the burden of preventing him abusing other children. I have no doubt he had not changed, he had confirmed so in a phone call. From that, six and a half hours of Police interviews were recorded. I stammered, grieving with realisations of the long term implications of what he did. A thorough ‘Officer in Charge’ typed every word, collected statements and evidence to validate my existence. It was a turning point in my life. I was blessed to have the most dynamic ‘Independent Sexual Violence Adviser’ (I.S.V.A.) her much needed holistic support, strategies for coping, attending a myriad of meetings and guiding me through the legal justice system was priceless. She is the first secure attachment I have experienced in my life.

Finances were truly strained a year on so I embarked on my phased return to work; trust me a shower was exhausting! My ‘Support Plan’ was of no interest to my new Manager, she rocked my world with constant changes, topped with an informal disciplinary due to her unqualified naivety was pure genius. My unconscious mind lacked empathy for this transition providing continued panic attacks, flashbacks, memories and nightmares. My daughter would get phone calls from me while struggling through her first and second year of University; unconditionally supporting me – her Mum – through a morning, an hour or five minutes while I desperately tried not to give up on life.

After thirty years the irony is that it was the Crown that silenced me.

I was forbidden to talk about the six and a half years of child sexual violence; apparently ‘it would not be fair and be seen as coaching for court.’ No talking is permitted to the ‘Officer in Charge’ ‘I.S.V.A.’ or a counsellor about what he did. Just an eighteen month wait to be grilled by Defence lawyers and a Prosecution lawyer - everything she thinks she knows, she has heard third hand, not a word directly from me. Judgement day arrives, no finances available to support the victim – sorry ‘witness’ I am a witness of the crime - so I am reliant again on the ‘Officer in Charge’ to get me to court on time; as if she hasn’t enough to do. Permitted ‘special measures’ which include a ‘safe house’ (no security, just a propped open door with a traffic cone due to the damp) access to court via a maze of corridors whilst being escorted by a Witness Support Team representative and while in court a curtain was drawn so I cannot be seen by the perpetrator and general public.
I meet the Prosecuting Barrister for the first time, literally minutes before I go into court. She explains the video evidence didn’t make a lot of sense so she is going to question me, again, chronologically … so if talking dirty degrading child abuse to poker face detectives wasn’t traumatic enough the first time, I get to relive the trauma the second time in court with poker faced jury and professionals dressed in wigs and cloaks with the general public in the gallery. But, it is about keeping other members of the public safe so focus!

I was asked, in depth, to explain the first rape in his marital bed. The Defence Barrister snorted “After such a fantastic experience, why didn’t you tell?” This guy regularly left me speechless; increasingly I was losing faith in humanity and the general public well-being. He had not a care in the world I was reliving trauma. I contemplate if he would have asked a child that had been shot countless times over a six and a half year period “Bet you loved that, did you high five the hitman?” This went on for three exhausting days. I was walked into court while the general public was still present - apologies given; walked into the room where the perpetrator was hiding - apologies given. Justice system? Hmmm. The perpetrator has all the rights, it is NOT victim focused and I was a sitting duck.

Those eighteen months I pill crunched (under my empathic doctor’s supervision) Citalopram for depression, Diazapam for anxiety, even sleeping tablets to give the unconscious brain a rest from torment. Physical pain centres trouble me until I can ‘talk’.

Unsurprisingly in the circumstances I managed to set my home on fire!

Workplaces aren’t too clever with abused staff, their vulnerability makes a good sport. Historical abuse is in the present moment, never feeling safe in my own skin with a conflicting and confusing outlook on everyday moments. In reality, of the eight on my CRASAC Life Skills course, three were taken to court and mine was the third found not guilty.

All this in the name of ‘Public Interest’ Did you hear my story to help you understand that children in your communities were at threat? Did it improve your welfare and well-being? Or is the Criminal Justice system set up to fail any protection from paedophiles in our communities, community pillars or not?

'Victims deserve public interest too'

CRASAC support women, men & children from 5 years old who have experienced sexual violence or abuse.

If you would like to talk to us please call our Helpline on 02476 277777, email us at [email protected] or text us on 07936 816 130

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4 thoughts on “‘In the public interest.’ Victims deserve public interest too.

  • M says:

    I’m so sorry this happened. I’ve been through the trial process too and the idea that our current system represents ‘fairness’ is a joke. Juries are steeped in rape myths and the adversarial system seems purposely designed to break victims.

    You have shown such strength to do it though. You know what happened, and you stood up and told the world what he is. That is strong.

  • laura says:

    I agree with M.The world is full of rape myths.People believe that women are the ones who cause themselves to be raped.I once talked to a woman who had the same opinion and,as much as i tried,i couldn’t get that idea out of her head.It’s the end of summer and unbearably hot in my country.We were in the park.Suddenly,she started making horrible remarks about the girls and the women strolling in the park.She accused them of intentionally arousing men by the way they were dressed.It was so hot outside that i wanted to get naked myself.I literally felt my skin and my body melting from so much heat.I saw men walking without a t-shirt on and that was perfectly fine.The men were using their male privileges without a worry in the world.

    I’m getting tired of hearing that it’s so hard for men to control themselves,so women should not provoke them.Everybody has a huge empathy for men and none at all for women.We are advised how to walk,dress and speak so as not to become the cause of men rape.What about our rights? We are human,too.We have a right to safety and to body freedom,especially in the summer.Why do some people frown when we are drowning in sweat and we put on a short dress or a mini skirt? Why not the same reaction to a man nearly naked in public,wearing only a pair of shorts? Maybe some women were once raped and now they are disgusted by such a view.Why are we forced to see the naked male body but are advised to cover ours as much as we can?

    Why the double standard?

  • gem says:

    Brought a tear to my eye that. I’m sorry you didn’t get your verdict, but it’s out there, the element of doubt cast on your abuser. It’s horrific – it really a life sentence for a victim. The barristers have one job to get their client off. I’m sure outside of the court they hate these bstards as much as us. It’s all theatre. Look at O J Simpson he got not guilty, but he got a guilty in a civil action. It is easier to get a guilty in a civil action.
    Perhaps you didn’t get the closure u needed because the not guilty verdict. Draw your support from every direction. Don’t focus on the injustice or comments from people who are paid to make u look bad.
    Get your fight back. All the facts are there, take it civil. Get closure.

    • gem says:

      make full use of every helpline that there is for victims that’s anonymous you can speak as freely as you want. So brave for doing that, but remember the jury it’s the first usually for them in court to, we know how dumb people can be, that’s why civil there’s no jury, but skilled people who listen to the abuser stories and know the truth