Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

if it wasnt rape, what was it?

a few weeks ago i went to a guys flat and i had planned to have sex with him.

we were kissing and doing some other foreplay things and it was all going good, but then things changed. he got more aggressive and violent in ways that scared me and eventually started having sex with me without a condom (which is something i would never do, safe sex is very important to me).

i've been having trouble trying to figure out what happened to me.

i went over to his place with the purpose of having sex with him. neither of us were drunk and i knew what was happening the whole time. and even when things took a turn i never said no. by the time he started having sex with me i was tired and my body hurt and i just wanted it to be over, so i did things he asked me to do and minimally engaged.
but by the time he started having sex with me i did not want it to happen. and i definitely did not want to have unprotected sex. i also left with bruises and bleeding from my vagina.

some parts of me blame myself for going over there, but i know that what happened was probably wrong. but i don't know if it was rape. i wanted to have sex with him and i never said no. so if it wasn't rape what was it?


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4 thoughts on “if it wasnt rape, what was it?

  • Helen Mary Jones says:

    It was rape. You went to his flat to have sex you wanted, not to be hurt because he wanted to hurt you. If you can report him, do. If you can’t, make sure you tell someone you trust, or maybe call a helpline. You have been assaulted and you are very distressed. I know from my own experience that not talking about this kind of experience leaves the pain bottled up inside and effects your life.
    And remember this is all down to him. He chose to hurt you. You did NOT choose to be hurt.

  • Catherine says:

    What happened to you was rape I’m really sorry to say. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I have also been raped soberly and in a similar situation we were getting ready for sex and then he forces himself on me without my consent and without a condom. I really hope you will get the support you need to recover from this and that you are not too traumatised by the experience. I stand in solidarity with you as a fellow person who has been through rape.

  • Hecuba says:

    This male raped you and I note he didn’t bother to even ask you if you wanted to engage in rough sexual interaction. Instead he assumed it was his male sex right to use you in whatever manner he wished.

    I know it is very very difficult to accept this male did what he did but his behaviour is common amongst many males.

    You clearly changed your mind and it was a coping strategy saying you just wanted it to end as soon as possible. No way is that mutual agreement.

    You are not to blame for the actions of this violent male – he is wholly responsible and I so hope you are able to find trusted friends who will not blame you because if they do they aren’t friends. You didn’t know what to do because you weren’t to know he would immediately engage in sexual violence. His behaviour was clear – he used sexual violence to obtain your submission and to prevent you from resisting him. Typical actions of a male sexual predator.

    I hope other women will post her echoing what I have said because this male is a sexual predator and he will prey on other women.

  • AmyB says:

    Hi There,

    I hope you don’t mind a therapist (and survivor) chiming in what matters is your experience, what it meant to you and the impact it has had and is having on you. It sounds like the experience left you hurt and frightened and doubting yourself – all of which says to me that it was not ok, regardless of what ‘it’ was. The meaning is what we are left to deal with – how it affects our sense of self, our place in the world, our feelings of safety or vulnerability.

    Personally, I agree with the other commentators and would classify the experience as rape. The fact that it is having this impact on you and has left you with these fears and questions, that says it is not ok more than semantics or definitions. And if the term ‘rape’ fits your experience, then we should call it rape.

    I hope you have support and can reach out for any help that you may need.
    Sending love,
    A x