Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

i was raped and my boyfriend blamed me for months

Hi I’m new to this forum and would love any advice anyone can give me. Here is my story in a nut shell.
I met my ex boyfriend in college. We dated for two years and he suffered from depression the entire time. The very beginning of the relationship was good, there were some signs of red flags but of course being young and in love did not allow me to see those. Fast forward to 8 months into dating he tried to commit suicide. From then on I was always trying to make him happy. I put aside my happiness for his. I felt like I had to be emotionally stable for both of us, but I did it because of my love for him. His depression got worse over time and started to come out as aggression and he started to drink a lot. He drank at work, in the morning, between work and on weekends. Needless to say he was diagnosed with substance abuse disorder and had to go to rehab. I moved to new York for grad school last year and had an unfortunate event happen to me where I was raped by an acquaintance. My boyfriend at the time was not supportive. He completely blamed me for what happened, told me the incident seemed shady called me a liar, told me he hated me amongst other things. I broke up with him then and there. For a year I have kept in touch with him and considered taking him back but he has been continuously verbally abusive and demeaning when hes drunk. Its very overwhelming because he makes me feel bad for not forgiving him. hes been in rehab around 9 times, has had several seizures etc. his mother even blamed me at once point and told me I caused his alcoholism and that I was evil, which really hurt. Currently he has a new gf and wants to be friends I told him no but I still feel bad for some reason that I should be there. I know he was not good to me but I have thoughts of how I wish he would change for me. He broke me and betrayed me by not being there for me and I haven’t forgiven him. I don’t expect him to wait for me to forgive him but I also feel worthless at times from his emotional abuse and now that he has a new gf I wonder why wasn’t I good enough? Was I not good enough to change for? Should I have forgiven him and taken him back? I hope one day to heal from my assault and his emotional and verbal abuse but any honest advice would help or if anyone has a similar situation they’ve dealt with I would love to hear how you got through. Thank you


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2 thoughts on “i was raped and my boyfriend blamed me for months

  • Admin says:

    You are not responsible for being raped. Equally, you are not responsible for your ex’-boyfriend’s mental health. Depression is an illness but it does not cause people to be emotionally abusive to their partners. Your ex-boyfriend has no right to claim you are accountable for his mental health or his substance abuse. He has no right to blame you for being a victim of rape. The only person responsible is the rapist. You are not obligated to “forgive” your ex-boyfriend for his emotional abuse and victim blaming. The only obligation you have is to be kind to yourself.

    Below are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. We don’t have contact details for US organisations except for RAINN: https://www.rainn.org Please remember that you are not responsible and you owe no one “forgiveness” for their abusive behaviour.

    The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)

    Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge: 0808 2000 247 (http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx)

    Women’s Aid has a forum where you can get support : http://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk

  • lynda says:

    hi Alana, sorry you had to go through this. Nobody can change another person and nobody is responsible for anyone else except themselves. I am so sorry you were raped that is never the survivors fault but the perpetrators fault who should of known better than take advantage of someone so vulnerable. Your partner is only responsible for himself and his mental health and his substance abuse and its not your fault and you can never change anyone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs they themselves have to do this. I also had a relationship with a person who had an addicted personality and though i did love him once and i could never change him the relationship was too toxic. Often abusers what you to feel sorry for them to control you to come back into the relationship but i know for ever lasting happiness its to work on yourself and to get stronger and have some sort of therapy and closure on the relationship. You are a worthwhile amazing human being thought it will be a struggle at times but i know its worth in the end to heal and move forward. When a person who try’s to control you sometimes through others it can and does knock your confidence and wear you down. But your strong brave and courageous telling your story on here good luck take care kind regards Lynda