Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I was assaulted and my friends won’t speak to me

Recently after a few stressful months I found myself in a full blown manic episode (I suffer from bi-polar disorder) I began doing things out of character and acting completely out of control. I broke up with my boyfriend, started drinking excessively and developed a dependence on cocaine.

I had plans to go out with some friends on Friday night and felt that it would be good to blow off some steam as I had just broken up with my significant other on Tuesday, which was an extremely difficult decision to make. He ended up at the same place and I was not emotionally prepared to see him. I went over board on the booze did way to much coke and at about 3 AM a girlfriend and I took ecstasy.

She didn't want to go home to her boyfriend because she was supposed to be staying sober for the month of February and didn't want to get caught high. She started asking around if there were after hours clubs or parties that we could go to and a guy invited us back to a party at the hotel he was staying at. I don't know why we went but we did.

When we got there the men maneuvered me into the bedroom and I remember kissing one. My friend says that she came into the room to try to get me out because I didn't look comfortable but the man became aggressive towards her. Two men blocked her from getting back in and she became uncomfortable and decided to leave. She did open the door to tell me she was going and at the point she could see that we were having intercourse.

I have no memories of any of these things happening. I went to a crisis centre to be tested and they found bruises on my arms consistent with restraint as well as vaginal tears.

Now neither the friend who left me there or our mutual friend will speak to me. They think that I'm lying and that I'm just irresponsible and a drunk and an embarrassment. Neither know that I have a mental health issue that makes me very susceptible to substance abuse and that in those moments I completely black out.

I understand that I put myself in the situation, but if I blacked out and can't remember anything is that rape?

Why won't my friends believe me or support me when I need them most?


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One thought on “I was assaulted and my friends won’t speak to me

  • lynda says:

    Hi Regina, I am so sorry this happened to you it doesn’t t matter whether you were drunk under the influence of drugs nobody deserves to be raped. Often when we have mental health difficulties and mood swings self harming and low self esteem because of our own self belief in ourselves or we’ve have had a very traumatic background. We often mask our own mental health issues with drink or drugs mine is food because it’s difficult at times to accept the mental health difficulties we live with. I am wondering if you get any mental health care for the bipolar or some sort of emotional support on how to deal with the highs and lows of this condition. Do you have any support to talk about why you want to take drugs and drink and feel that you want to get wasted. IT was and is never the fault of the person who has been violated and their body being used and abused by others. Your friends should have been more supported they saw that you were in no fit to be there at the party.
    I am so sorry your friends have treated you this way this is no way to treat a friend when what you need is compassion, kindness, care and just a listening ear to be able to talk about what has happened to you and process the emotional and physical turmoil that your body is going through at this moment.
    You should never feel your an embarrassment or lying because their was evidence on your body that you had been hurt and violated so badly. You don’t deserve to be treated or judged in this way by anybody especially by your friends. Sometimes we don’t tell others about are mental health because of either being judge or stigmatized by are friends, work colleagues or sometimes by are own families. It s hard to acknowledge are own mental health difficulties to ourselves or even tell other because the shame stigma brings.
    It must have been difficult for your friend, also to know what to do when the men were aggressive to her and they might of felt threatened to. It also might be that your friend feels embarrassed herself because she let you down and didn’t protect you or able to get you out of the situation and feels that by saying its your fault might make her feel less guilty for letting you down.
    Please if you can try to talk to a professional who is trained in Rape abuse about your feelings and the hurt you must be feeling right now because of the way your friends are treating you at this moment about what you went through. Also if you do access treatment for your mental health and you have a good working relationship with your mental health team talk to them about what happened as well also the escalating drink and drug problem as well because they might be able to refer you to the proper services able to help you. Also being able to access, get peer support from people who maybe have bi-polar themselves or others who can help you understand the highs and lows of the condition and how to deal with them in a much more positive way instead of using drugs and drink to mask the difficulties your having to deal with the mood swings the manic and depression. I send you my love my hugs and now that your amazing person keep safe take care Lynda