Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I said no, but didn’t fight it hard enough (content note)

I was lying in bed cuddling and kissing a male friend with benefits. He started touching me and trying to unbutton my pants and I told him I was in my period when I wasn't because I didn't want to have sex. He said he didn't care and kept going. I said I wasn't in the mood and just wanted to cuddle, but he sushed me and kept going! To this day I can't believe that he actually shushed me! I kept making excuses because I didn't want to have sex. I told him I didn't want to have sex because I hadn't taken my birth control,and he shushed me again. He then flipped me in my stomach and had sex with me anyway. It was awful, but it didn't occur to me until later that I was raped. I haven't told anybody, because my family doesn't know I'm sexually active even thought I'm 21. I also feel really angry at myself. I should have fought harder instead of letting it happen. As horrible and stupid as this sounds, I didn't want to fight him off because I was afraid it would make him feel bad! Or it would make things awkward between us. Now I can't even see a picture of him or hear his name without getting anxious. He's best friends with my cousin so I feel like i can't even go see my cousin without the possiblity of running into him. I'm afraid to tell my cousin too. I think he would kill him. It's so hard holding this in and keeping it from everyone. I feel like my family would blame me for it happening because I was having casual sex.


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4 thoughts on “I said no, but didn’t fight it hard enough (content note)

  • Helen Mary Jones says:

    None of this is your fault. You are shocked and traumatized and no wonder. It is often more distressing emotionally when your attacker is someone you trusted
    Please try to talk to someone. Is there a friend you could trust? Just writing about it will help, but you need and deserve more. Is there an advice line you could
    Whatever you do or don’t do, be proud of yourself. You have survived a terrible experience and been brave enough to share it here
    Thee will be thousands of us wishing you well

  • Susie says:

    I’m so sorry he did this to you.
    Believe me this was HIS choice. He knew you did not want sex but he CHOSE to continue and to rape you. Your response is very common for victims particularly when the perpetrator is known to you. It is confusing and upsetting.
    I do hope you are okay, and that maybe there is someone, (perhaps a friend?) that you can confide in. If not maybe you could reach out to Rape Crisis or another organisation who can support you through this – when you feel ready of course. You don’t have to go through this alone. Sending you much love and strength. xx

  • Catherine says:

    Please don’t blame yourself for not fighting back! Many people have the gut reaction to freeze when they are being raped and this is normal and not your fault in anyway. You are not to blame for anything that happened!

  • Admin says:

    You are not responsible for being raped. Your “friend” made a choice to commit rape. He chose to ignore your no. There is no “correct way” to respond to rape. Many women freeze. It is a completely normal reaction to trauma.

    Please remember that you are not responsible for your cousin. You have every right to inform him – but only if this your choice. You are not obligated to tell him of your experience.

    It can be very difficult to reach out for support after rape, but there are people who will believe you. If you do not feel able to reach out to a friend of family member, there are organisations across the UK that can help you.

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)