I mattered less than other victims
"We cannot have you bringing the police into disrepute." That's what they told me. Senior police.
I don't know where to start my story because there is so much of it, and the detail is much worse and broader than that described here. My post is intentionally scant to protect identities; 'Maya' is not my real name.
I chose a pseudonym rather than being anonymous because I trust this particular organisation and, therefore, may have the courage to write again.
My experiences span many years: physical/sexual/psychological/financial abuse; rapes; sexual assaults; flashing; drugging; stalking. I know society blames me but there is nothing that I can do to stop it because they can physically force me or drug me. I don't need educating on 'the signs' because I am well-qualified in this field, with more than one degree.
Someone in the police raped me. I reported it but the force lied to me and got rid of evidence. They closed ranks and did a cover-up. They are paid to protect me yet brought me harm. They told me I was vindictive and I was then victimised afterwards, by them. I am unable to go to police again about all of the other incidents because of this and their gross betrayal of trust.
I have recently been advised by a top lawyer (in actions against the police) as legal action is something I have considered for an extended period. However, I've been warned to be sure about proceeding as the police may well victimise me again, especially as they have done so in the past. They will also blame me and say I am vindictive. The lawyer doesn't want to put me off taking legal action but, of course, litigation is very stressful and they are concerned that I am on my own and will have no recourse to the police, whatever they do. If it reaches court, they also cannot guarantee my anonymity should a journalist take an interest in the case.
I am not a vindictive woman; in fact, the complete opposite. I have great compassion for others, even offenders, and do not want to cause suffering. The trouble is that a few weeks ago, I found it really, really hard not to hang myself or stab myself in the heart with a knife. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD due to the volume of trauma.
I want the police force to be held accountable for what they have done. I am alone though. And scared. I am scared of being blamed when the only thing I did wrong was being born a woman. No law will protect me from male violence because I have no value. I have suffered all these crimes because I am not valued or treated equally to men. It is the same the world over.
The lawyer is still waiting for my decision. What would you do?
Love, Maya x
PS. Please don't worry about me. I am knowledgeable, currently safe and do not need signposting to services.
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