Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I got raped again and my boyfriend doesn’t care cause he says it’s my fault

So I've already been raped before, when I was little by my babysitter and her boyfriend on multiple occasions. I just recently met back up with an old friend who I thought I was pretty close with. First time we hung out again was a lot of fun, he was talking about their being chemistry between us but I just figured he was referring to in a just friendly way.

Basically, he roofied me and I didn't realize what happened fully till about two weeks later. I knew something was off, and deep down I think I knew what, but I was just pushing it back and telling myself I was being paranoid and he would never do that cause he's a good friend.

When I finally realized what happened, I started freaking out a bit. I called my boyfriend who's also my best friend and told him what happened, and his response was basically "well what do you expect me to do about that?" And didn't really seem to care just seemed to be annoyed that I was supposedly wasting his time with negativity when he was trying to study.

I told him I just wanted support and to hear his voice cause he makes me feel safe and I'm really shaken up. He said he doesnt feel like giving emotional support when it's all just my head that's the problem anyway. I asked him what I meant and he said I wasn't ready to hear what he meant.

I told him I was, and promised not to take any offense. I just wanted to hear something. Then he told me that first off, the guys always seemed rapey and obviously liked me. He was just waiting for me to figure out one or the other cause he was worried he'd just come off as jealous.

Second off, he told me that for one I should've realized that and for two I brought this upon myself cause he says I look like I'm just dying for attention all the time (which I'm not, but I do tend to dress uniquely and have volume control issues due to successive head injuries) and that because I look like that it makes people wanna take advantage of me so it's basically my fault.

I asked him why he didn't care, and he said he did but I could tell it was only so he didn't start an argument because of the way he said it. Then was like can I get back to studying now?

Ever since the whole thing, my anorexia has come back and I've been feeling really depressed. He told me that I'm just starving myself and feeling that way because I'm not intelligent enough to understand the universe like he does. And he's mad at me for "making him deal with my issues", even though I actually avoid telling him when I feel that way because I know he doesn't react well. I only told him cause he directly asked, told me I had to give him an answer, and I would never lie to him.

Oh and also when I told my second best friend at a sleepover she told me I deserve it cause she thinks I'm pathetic and that my boyfriend deserves better. I know neither of those is true, but I'm starting to have trouble getting the support I need from nobody but myself and I can't tell my mom cause I don't want the person who raped me to go to jail. If he's messed up enough to do that, he's got enough problems on his hands. Plus I still like him as a person, we all make mistakes (I'd never hang out with him again though and I always avoid him now. He doesn't know I know and I don't wanna tell him I do cause that would just be more stress for both of us)


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6 thoughts on “I got raped again and my boyfriend doesn’t care cause he says it’s my fault

  • J says:

    I believe you. I’m so sorry this happened, and that the people you’ve turned to aren’t giving you the support you need. I’m on your side. I’ve found talking to the rape crisis helpline very helpful (http://rapecrisis.org.uk/), maybe they can help you too. I’ll be thinking of you, and hope you get the support you need.

  • K says:

    I believe you. I hope you find people to give you the support you need. x

  • Felicity says:

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. For what it’s worth, you deserve better from both your boyfriend and your so-called friend. I really hope you get the support you need soon.

  • Jonquil says:

    I’m so sorry this was done to you by your supposed ‘friend’, and I am so sorry your boyfriend and your female friend responded like perfect Assholes! The terrible reactions of those closest to us result in re-violation, often hurting as much as the original crime.
    I wish you peace and recovery.

  • JJ Barnes says:

    I believe you.

    The abuse you received as a child has clearly had a lasting impact and you now have more people in your life doing you physical and emotional damage.

    I’d highly recommend speaking to someone. Can your doctor refer you for counselling? You are not to blame. Whatever you wear or sound like you are not to blame.

    Please get support. You deserve support.

  • Jade says:

    I believe you and I also believe that your so called ‘friends’ and your boyfriend need to go. He isn’t your best friend he is emotionally abusive. Think how you would react if someone told you what you told him, and what you would have said. His response is disgusting and he is not worthy of you. Your friend is not worthy of you. And I’m so sorry that these people did not provide the support you need.

    Please see if there is any local support as well and also it’s not your responsibility to protect the person who did what they did to you. Please don’t feel that burden, it doesn’t matter if he has ‘enough problems on his hands’, it’s about your recovery and you gaining the support you need. If your mum is the person who will be in your corner then don’t keep it a secret from her to protect him.

    Ultimately please be ‘selfish’ in this situation and just focus on yourself and what you need to feel healthy mentally and physically. There are quite a few good communities on tumblr (eating disorders and recovery from abuse) which are worth a Google. Sometimes an online community can do a world of good. I’m rooting for you so much.