I don’t know what to title this (content note for rape)
I have a guy that I talk to from time to time. We'll call him 'Z'. It used to be sexual but that was before I thought it was going somewhere and once he told me he couldn't be with me because he needed to get his "life together", I immediately stopped having sex with him. Z was mad and for months all he did was bug me about sex. I always told him that if I could be understanding about him not wanting to be with me then he should be understanding about me not wanting to have sex. I guess he finally realized it and we started just hanging out as friends. It's never been unusual for me to come over to his house and lay in his bed and watch t.v with him. That's what we always do. We lay there, we talk, we laugh, we watch t.v. When it's time for him to go to work, he walks me home.
I was offered a new job that I was excited about. On my way back home I saw Z walking and decided to walk back to his house with him while I tell him about my new job. We get there and everything is normal. I kick off my shoes as normal, dive on the bed, as normal, grab the remote and flip through the channels as normal. He disappears downstairs to talk on the phone, as normal, I'm never sure who he talks to and I don't ever ask because we're not together and it's none of my business. If he wanted to tell me he would. But then things stop seeming so normal.
When he came back upstairs he smelled like alcohol. When I told him this he attributed it to his mouthwash. But mouthwash doesn't smell like alcohol, it smells like mint, and he didn't go in the bathroom, he was downstairs. I shrugged it off. In my mind, he's grown. If he wants to have a drink at 12 in the afternoon, who am I to judge. Then he pulls out a blunt and takes a couple of hits and offers it to me. I turned him down. I'm not a smoker. He knows this. I thought it was weird but he's offered me weed a couple times since I've known him and I always turn him down so I didn't think anything of it. Then he takes off his pants. But he's never been able to lay in his bed with jeans on......except he's not laying in the bed, he walking around his house in his boxers and a t-shirt. But...it's his house why shouldn't he feel comfortable enough to walk around his house with his boxers on. All these questions in my head ceased when he came and laid in the bed. He's in the bed, he never lays in the bed with jeans on..so this is normal.
I had a really bad cough and fever that day. So I shouldn't have been outside. I shouldn't have even gone to my interview but I really wanted this job. I told him this the first time he tried to have sex with me. I said, "I don't want to have sex. I'm sick. My throat hurts. You're going to get sick too if you don't scoot over." He moved into a position where he was laying behind me and he kept trying to take my pants off. I kept telling him to stop. I didn't want to have sex. No. Stop. He finally stops.
He goes downstairs and brings up some raw honey. For my throat. He gives me a spoonful of it and says, "You know if you eat enough of this stuff you'll start to taste like it." I take down the spoonful of honey and turn back to the t.v. He comes and lays beside me, pulls me closer so that my head is laying on his chest but I'm laying on my side. And I fall asleep.
When I wake up I am on my stomach. My pants are around my ankles. And he is behind me. It took me a second to realize what was going on, but when I did I started to push at his legs thinking that would make him stop. He just grabbed my arms and pinned them down. My throat hurt so bad I couldn't speak. I started to cry but I made myself stop because that seemed to make my throat hurt worse. I felt like there was nothing I could do but wait for him to stop. So I did.
When he finished he got up and went to the bathroom. And I felt like I was standing over myself, watching myself lay there. He brought me a towel and tried to clean me up but I snatched it from him and did it myself. The thought of him touching me mad me want to cry. I found my pants and put them on. Grabbed my coat and left. He followed me outside and walked me the rest of the way home. I don't know what he talked about. I wasn't listening.
When I got home I went to sleep. When I woke back up I thought I had dreamed it all until I realized I smelled like him. And I was in a lot of pain.
I text him that night and ask him why he did it. He told me I was being emotional. And he hasn't responded since.
I told a minister who prayed for me before I got the job what happened and he told me that I put myself in that position. He said I made a bad decision and when you make bad decisions bad things happen. He said I should feel partially responsible for what happened to me. He said I should try to understand his behavior. Because his behavior is a result of something that I did.
I feel like he's right.
I feel like I'm still watching myself doing everyday things from outside of my body. Like I'm on autopilot. And my body is doing everything it knows how to do, everything it usually does but I'M not there. I'm not in it.
Some days I'm fine. Some days I cry. Some days I'm so angry. Some days I want to die.
Most days I want to die.
I feel embarrassed. Humiliated. Stupid. Violated. Dirty. I feel like people can look at me and tell what happened. Like they know. And they think I'm dirty too.
I look at people, men especially, completely different now. I didn't like to be touched before but now when I THINK someone is about to touch me it makes me want to puke. I used to be very independent. But I don't go anywhere by myself anymore. If I have to go by myself I just don't go or I'll be looking over my shoulder the entire time.
If I knew I would be raped I would have never gone. I would have went straight home. I would have called a friend and invited them out for lunch. I would have went to my job to do some Christmas shopping. I would have gone home and made a grilled cheese sandwich, taken some NyQuil and gone to sleep.
I didn't know.
But I still feel equally responsible for not knowing.
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