I Didn’t Want To Do It

March 20, 2017, JC, Personal Experiences,

My ex and I still live together and love each other. But I am single. And I had been texting and flirting with this other guy. But I told this guy that I am not over my ex and don't want to get into any physical relationshipa while things are the way they are. While my ex was at work yhe guy came over to drop off some food for me. He came in and we were just sitting and talking, and flirting. I was having fun. But then he came and sat next to me on the couch. At one point he put his hand on my thigh. And I just moved it off without saying anything, and soon he tried again and I asked him to go sit at the other couch again because I was uncomfortable. Then he asked me to stand up and twirl around for him.. I felt weird but did it anyway. When I turned my back to him he grabbed my ass. I turned around real quick so his hand fell off my ass and I looked at him blushing and confused, he told me he knew I liked it and that I needed to just relax. He came over and sat next to me again and while talking he tried to stick his hand down my shirt

And I folded my arms really tight over my chest and pulled away from him. He said sorry and not to worry. Later he tried to stick his hand down my pants and I told him that I have been raped before and guys being pushy makes me really uncomfortable. He said he was really sorry and we went back to just talking for a bit. Then he told me he felt bad that I still looked so uncomfortable and reached for me. At first I pulled away but he said he just wanted to give me a hug so I let him give me one. And he stuck his hand down my pants and I tried to pull his hand away but he grabbed my wrist and told me "stop fighting it" and the guy who had raped me before had said something similar and I had a flashback and completely shut down. I don't even remember what all happened but I just did whatever he said.. and my ex called in the middle of it, and I should have asked him to come help or something but I didn't even think about it. And later my ex came home early from work and saw me giving this guy a blow job. Of course he was furious. And the guy left and my ex told me I wasn't the person he thought I was. And like, it all came rushing in and I felt awful and threwe up. And then went to take my anxiety pills and took the whole bottle and then two more bottles. I just got our of the ICU. And I asked my ex if he would wash the sheets before I got home so I could curl up in a nice clean bed. And he told me I was asking to much to think he would ever touch sheers I've slept in now that he knows how dirty I am. And I tried to explain what happened and that I didn't want it to happen but he says if I didn't want it to happen I would have fought harder. And idk... I just feel so hopeless and I hate myself right now and feel deserted and just... awful.

 

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