Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

I didn’t say no

I met this guy a couple months ago and we hung out a few times before we even kissed. We both knew we didn't want anything serious but I was a virgin and he said he didn't want to 'tske my virginity' or whatever. I was of the mindset that I wanted to have sex and be good at it for when the right guy came along. Now thst I'm looking back that's the dumbest shit if ever heard.

The first time we had sex, it was consensual and I had an alright time. Not fantastic but not awful. He was kind of rude to me after that so we stopped talking for a bit. We reconnected and decided to hang out again, and this is where I get confused. We had predetermined that we were going to have sex, and I wanted to. But once we started kissing, I just wanted to go slower. He asked me to give him oral and I said 'not right now' and tried to kiss him again. He wouldn't let me kiss him and asked again and I said 'maybe in a little bit' because I only wanted to kiss him. When I tried to kiss him again he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me down and made me give him head. I didn't priest anymore I just wanted it to be over so I could kiss him again and start from the beginning. I wish I would have stopped there. I know it was bad but I didn't know what was bad during when it was happening. I was on top of him and he was letting me kiss him again. I could feel him near my vagina so I thought he was going to finger me or something, because he hadn't yet. But then I had a very sharp pain and couldn't figure out why a finger would hurt so bad. I looked down and he was trying to put his dick inside me. Without a condom. Without asking. All I could say was 'not without a ckndom' but he refused.

I just don't know if this was rape, I ddint say no buti think I said it in a lot of ways. I'm just not sure. Any input is appreciated. I haven't been able to be with anyone or sleep or stop thinking about it for 3 month


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One thought on “I didn’t say no

  • Archeloa says:

    Yes, you were definitely raped. There is no question about it.

    Do not think your wanting to have sex to become better at it “for when the right guy came along” is ridiculous ; I actually did the same, and it is, in many ways, not such a bad idea. And many times it goes right, and you benefit from it just the way you wanted to. I am very sorry it turned out so wrong for you…

    He had no right to force you to do anything you did not want to do, and you did say no. It shouldn’t be obligatory to exactly say the word “no” ; you expressed your refusal in many ways. Going slow should be fine, and should always be your choice, especially during your first times. His behavior wouldn’t be normal in any case. Your reaction was very normal on the contrary.

    Give yourself time ; it is ok to take all the time you want and/or need.

    You were right to speak about it. You are not alone in this.