Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

He said I lead him on

On April 1st I hung out with a guy I was seeing. We used to hang out all the time even though we lived 45 minutes away I was so into him I'd make the drive and he constantly said he wanted to see me so I kept it going. Well that day we met up for lunch and he told me he had an event coming​ up and if I'd help him shop for an outfit. I figured this was great, we had a date, although he never called them such I was very excited. That day we walked around store to store looking​ for his outfit. After a while we didn't find anything he wanted to buy so we walked out and went to our cars. On our way out he asked me what I want doing the rest of that night and I said nothing, so he asked if I wanted to hook up (we had already had sex before) and I said yes. The issue he said was that he didn't have a condom, and then I told him well no condom no sex. And he said we'll figure it out and that I should get in his car. That shortly after he drive to a gas station, for what I presumed was to buy condoms. He walked out and again we were on our way. I thought he would take me somewhere decent,but he took me to an off road on a mountain path. I figured it wasn't romantic, bit it would do. And we proceeded to do our thing. Well when it was time to get it in he attempted to get it in without a condom. I told him no. And I told him I thought that's why you stopped at the station. He said, well yeah I thought about it, but I didn't buy one, and he said don't worry I won't get you pregnant. Again I told him no. I told him I was up for other things but just not full intercourse. He got angry, but after a few he simmered down and he agreed. Well that day he pulled me into his lap on the back seat. I thought nothing of it. I was wearing underwear and it would be fine. As he began to finger me I grew very uneasyt didn't feeñ right and I attempted to get off. He told me to relax he wasn't trying anything...Well as I was attempting to calm down and gett off he held me still, he wouldn't Let me move. And then he proceeded to force himself on me, and I felt it. I felt pain as he proceeded to try and push his way in, and all I could do is cry and scream as I was in pain. He proceeded to push me off as I cried.

As I sat there crying he proceeded to say it was my fault that I had lead him on. And I wanted to. That I should stop. All he could do was blame me. That day I felt so bad. I felt it was my fault. He made me believe that it was something I wanted .all he kept saying was that. And I felt terrible because I was wasting his time and I was unable to give him what he wanted.

I was a fool and I proceeded to blame myself. I kept talking to him, thinking surely he loved me. He wouldn't waste time with me if he didn't love me. I became insecure about myself that one night and it created so much damage I am currently attempting to heal.


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One thought on “He said I lead him on

  • Admin says:

    This is not your fault. You did not ‘lead him on’. You were very clear that you consented to sex only if he was wearing a condom. He chose to ignore your consent. He kept ignoring you clearly saying no. He made an active choice to rape you. He is the only one to blame. You did absolutely nothing wrong here. By blaming you for his choices, he is gas lighting you. This is a very common behaviour in abusive men. And this is also not your fault.

    These are the free phone numbers for the national rape crisis organisations in the UK. The phone lines are staffed by trained volunteers who are there to listen. You can also find local support services on their websites.

    Rape Crisis Scotland: http://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk
    Freephone 08088 01 03 02
    (Every day, 6pm to midnight)

    Rape Crisis England/ Wales: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
    Freephone 0808 802 9999
    (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays)