He said I lead him on
On April 1st I hung out with a guy I was seeing. We used to hang out all the time even though we lived 45 minutes away I was so into him I'd make the drive and he constantly said he wanted to see me so I kept it going. Well that day we met up for lunch and he told me he had an event coming up and if I'd help him shop for an outfit. I figured this was great, we had a date, although he never called them such I was very excited. That day we walked around store to store looking for his outfit. After a while we didn't find anything he wanted to buy so we walked out and went to our cars. On our way out he asked me what I want doing the rest of that night and I said nothing, so he asked if I wanted to hook up (we had already had sex before) and I said yes. The issue he said was that he didn't have a condom, and then I told him well no condom no sex. And he said we'll figure it out and that I should get in his car. That shortly after he drive to a gas station, for what I presumed was to buy condoms. He walked out and again we were on our way. I thought he would take me somewhere decent,but he took me to an off road on a mountain path. I figured it wasn't romantic, bit it would do. And we proceeded to do our thing. Well when it was time to get it in he attempted to get it in without a condom. I told him no. And I told him I thought that's why you stopped at the station. He said, well yeah I thought about it, but I didn't buy one, and he said don't worry I won't get you pregnant. Again I told him no. I told him I was up for other things but just not full intercourse. He got angry, but after a few he simmered down and he agreed. Well that day he pulled me into his lap on the back seat. I thought nothing of it. I was wearing underwear and it would be fine. As he began to finger me I grew very uneasyt didn't feeñ right and I attempted to get off. He told me to relax he wasn't trying anything...Well as I was attempting to calm down and gett off he held me still, he wouldn't Let me move. And then he proceeded to force himself on me, and I felt it. I felt pain as he proceeded to try and push his way in, and all I could do is cry and scream as I was in pain. He proceeded to push me off as I cried.
As I sat there crying he proceeded to say it was my fault that I had lead him on. And I wanted to. That I should stop. All he could do was blame me. That day I felt so bad. I felt it was my fault. He made me believe that it was something I wanted .all he kept saying was that. And I felt terrible because I was wasting his time and I was unable to give him what he wanted.
I was a fool and I proceeded to blame myself. I kept talking to him, thinking surely he loved me. He wouldn't waste time with me if he didn't love me. I became insecure about myself that one night and it created so much damage I am currently attempting to heal.
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