Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Follow up to ‘No Justice = No Closure’

I forgot to add on the end of my post entitled 'No Justice = No Closure' that as a result of my ex kicking me in the face I am now losing my sight in my right eye and will go blind unless I get eye surgery which I can't afford.
I have to wear glasses to help my vision and the optician believes it is a result of what my ex did to me, not so much the actual boot to the face, but the speed at which my head went flying backwards and hitting the brick wall.
I don't think my ex even knows about any of this.
If his Mam wasn't ill I would have gone to the police by now, but I can't, any stress could be detrimental to her, and even if I did go to the police and it went to court, I'd be the one who looks evil, putting them through all that while his Mam is so ill. So I hope you can understand the position I am in.

I have spoken to the police anonymously who have said I would have case due to having a witness who picked me up that night who saw my injuries, plus photographs of my injuries. But I just can't do it to his poor parents.
If he didn't live with them it would be a different story.
But it isn't.

Any advice on how to get over this would be appreciated, as at the moment I don't ever want a relationship with anyone ever again and it hurts because I used to have so much love to give, but now I don't trust people, don't leave my house, and don't have any ambition any more. My own parents are struggling to support me as my Mother is also unwell, and my Dad has to work a lot.

Thanks for reading my story, I will keep checking the comments for help and I am on the waiting list for some Domestic Violence counselling but all this combined with my Bipolar, his lies and the stigma of Mental Illness is just too much to deal with. It's a small town and everyone knows everybody so it would be easy for folk to believe his lies as I said earlier, I am not ashamed of being Bipolar and openly talk about it. But I've never raised a finger to him apart from a slap in the face once when he was screaming in mine.
I never thought in a million years he would turn out like this.
I thought it would be happily ever after but I couldn't have been more wrong. ūüôĀ x


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7 thoughts on “Follow up to ‘No Justice = No Closure’

  • Admin says:

    You can reach out to the National Domestic Violence helpline whilst you are waiting for counselling from a local service. This is the number: 0808 2000 247 There is always someone available to talk to – even if you only want to hear a voice on the other end of the phone.

    If you’re waiting for counselling from a specialist service provider do get in touch as they may be able to access some emergency counselling immediately. You can also approach your GP or mental health professional to access emergency counselling that way.

    Please keep reaching out. x

  • Cath Campbell says:

    Hi, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that this has happened to you. I understand why you feel that you can’t report to the police but also I hope you know that if you did, you would not be to blame for any upset to this man’s parents. He would be. It might be helpful to talk the decision through with a support worker, which you could do on the helpline mentioned above. Talking to someone you don’t know can be a real source of comfort and help you to make sense of what’s happened. In relation to the situation for you now, specialist service should be able to help you access the right treatment to help you with your health. Often experiences like this leave us with the symptoms of trauma and the right support can make a world of difference to quality of life. I really hope you find peace and the support you deserve.

  • Diane says:

    Good a advice from the above two posts. So important to keep reaching out and building a support team around you. Also, wouldn’t you be entitled to NHS care for your hot eye? As has been said already, protecting his parents is not your responsibility and shouldn’t be a barrier to you getting the physical and emotional help you need. I totally understand your love and empathy for his mum and dad and that shows what a kind person you are but it is not selfish or wrong for you to take care of yourself, you have been violently assaulted, treated cruelly and been manipulated by this man. Focus on you, and. Thoughts of your daughter and how you want your future to be. I hope so much that you get some wonderful people around you to give you the support you need. Take care Diane xxx

  • Alison says:

    I am so sorry to hear about what you have experienced and still experiencing in the aftermath. The pain does not end when the relationship does, contrary to what many believe.

    Sometimes it helps to consider what you might say and how you would respond if a friend or loved one were in your situation and facing the same dilemma. Whatever course of action you decide to take regarding reporting, the responsibility of any family or legal repercussions rest with your ex, as they would had he injured or killed anyone whilst driving intoxicated.

    The Women’s Aid website has a lot of useful resources. They may be helpful whilst you wait for your counselling. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

    It may also be worth checking their guidance on online safety, as you have mentioned Facebook.

    Whatever he has done and whatever the consequences of his actions and choices, you are not to blame. He is 100% responsible.

  • Katie says:

    I am sorry this happened to you. You are not responsible for his behaviour or for his parents’ feelings so if you did want to report him then try to make your decision on what is best for you, rather than them.

    I suggest researching narcissism and sociopathy, to see if these fit your ex. Look up Gaslighting as well – a common lying tactic used by narcissists to make us doubt our own experiences.

    Learning about my abusers being narcissists and sociopaths is helping me to get closure.

  • Nick says:

    I am moved to post here and show my support for you; a brave person who should not have to go through this.

    I know it is difficult but I echo what has been said – whatever the hell is going on in his life is his responsibility. You have been really hurt by this man REAPEADTLY. It was his choice to do what he did. With all due respect to his mother, he sounds like the sort of person who will always have an excuse and will never truly face up to what he has done.

    I will be thinking of you. Keep your strength.

  • Anon says:

    Thank you everyone who has replied.
    I’ve read them all a few times over and I’ve come to the decision that something must be done about it, as it’s just not right he is carrying on like nothing happend while I’m terrified to leave my house due to anxiety attacks and wanting to end my life.
    It’s not right.
    There is so much truth and reason in all your replies.

    Thanks for helping me find the strength and for your support. X