Feeling guilty about being sexually assaulted
In the summer of 2016 I was sexually assaulted one night on my way home. So I have a boyfriend and he lives a little far from me so I have to travel quite far to visit. I have a buncha other friends who live near him which I used to see too. So we had arranged to meet up with a bunch of my friends and for an old friend to come and visit too. The day was amazing, super fun. It was a beautiful sunny day, we had so much fun. It wasn’t until I went home. So it’s getting dark so I head home. My boyfriend gets on the bus with me and takes me back to the station. He stays at the station so he can get the bus back to his home and I get a different bus back to my home. I got some food as there’s a food place near the bus stop and put it in my bag. I was so happy, I went upstairs in the bus sat infront of the stairs. It was dark, it was around 9-10pm. These kids come on the bus some look younger and older than me. One of them comes up to me and says “You’re beautiful” and I say “Thanks” and then he says “can I sit here” and I say “Yes”. Anyway his friends sit behind me. I feel very, outnumbered quite nervous wanting to change seats. He then asks me if I wanna play a game of Rock Paper Scissors and I say sure. We play and then he says “I win” and kisses me out of nowhere. This feels disgusting. I freeze up completely, I don’t know what to do. I just sit there and take it. He starts touching my breast. I hate this. I felt sick. His other friend says to the one kissing me “let me have a go” like I’m just a fucking game. And sits next to me and starts licking my lips like a fucking dog, I felt so nauseous it was disgusting. I open my eyes and look around for a minute, I see everyone looking at me. My eyes scream at them to help but they just watch. The boy takes my phone which is open and in my hand, and gets my number from my contacts. I’m scared they’ll rob me of my phone too. I feel so embarrassed. This goes on for a while. Until another guy comes up to me and and kisses me. I try to move away at this point pushing up against the glass window but they keep getting closer. My mouth is still I don’t want to do this anymore. He yells at me saying Kiss me properly holding my neck. I kiss back out of fear. I keep thinking of how do I get out of this. And I’m scared they’ll following me back to my house so I propose a plan to just jump and run at the place I’m not supposed to get off at yet. So I gain the confidence to grab my bag and speak barely saying I’ve gotta go. A guy hugs me suddenly and grabs my ass super tight, I just wanna cry. And I leave. I get off. I feel so numb. I slowly walked back home. I feel so sick. I go upstairs into my bedrom and I cry. I didn’t know what to do what do say, so I immediately go to my friends my trusted friends. And I tell them what happened and how I feel. They tell me to report it. I tried to on a website for complaints and they told me some stupid shit. They kept ringing my phone as they had got my number somehow immediately block their numbers. In the near future my boyfriend ends of blaming me for the event saying that I did it on purpose. It’s now almost 2 years later and It hurts. From what he’s said. I feel like I’ve cheated on him. I guess I kinda was because I was too scared to stop it. It keeps bothering me to this day.
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You haven’t cheated on anyone, you were grossly assaulted. Your boyfriend reacted very badly but it was his own fault, and never yours.
We sadly live in a world where victims of sexual assault are conditioned to feel guilty about it ; but it does not mean it is ok to feel that way.
You were right, of course, to leave that bus as soon as you could, and you fled because you felt something terribly wrong was happening to you. You felt those men were doing something terribly wrong to you. And they were. None of it came from you, you simply froze, as many do.
Keep fighting in your heart, and trust yourself : it was never your fault.