Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Family Courts and DV

I have wanted to speak out and be part a big change in the local government ways of handling family disputes out regarding dv. Through the Family courts.

I am currently a Victim being blamed for issues when my child sees their abusive dad.

Cafcass are pro - dad and even part of some children's messed up emotional states when they are forced to see fathers who are not real dad's.

I was questioned for 2 hrs on why my child says he doesn't want to see dad. And told that dad didn't try to suffocate/kill me. I imagined it !

An outside firm was recommended by my ex solicitor to supervise contact. They refused to report the serious dv I enclosed to children's services or discuss it in notes. Or say anything negative about contact at all. When they knew the most serious things u couldn't with old from he/she. It was too important.

Mothers who bring up a violent partners child are blamed for the issues that carry on, even after we have left and re keeping our child/ren safe.

I feel guilty every day for having his child. Despite being completely committed to bringing them up to a high standard of care. I didn't know that a panel of strangers unqualified would be allowed to tell you where and when your child should see their father. Despite evidence from organisations that two attacks of more serious dv had happened. MARAC assesment had been done. Meaning a multi agency meeting Inc the police had occurred and the safety of mother and child been discussed.

My care is being questioned in keeping my child safe as I am concerned and discuss contact times. To ensure my child is emotionally ok and assess if anything bad has happened. Children don't often disclose if at all.

Apparently I'm causing harm by asking assess everyday question like after school. Did you have a nice day ? Did you do any maths today ?.

It is well known that abusive fathers poison their child's mind against mum. Which is emotional abuse. Not taking an interest in your child's life when your not there!

I was blamed for the court process lasting nearly 2 years by dad's solicitor. But was provided with no evidence and the court accepted it as a way to sway their decision to who should be listened to. Anything to make it easier for them.

I changed Cafcass workers. I was told it wouldn't take long. It took nearly 3 mnths. I changed solicitors as mine had no experience of dv cases. That didn't take long.
The social worker is refusing to assist safe contact by doing checks and having dad have blood tests. To change the type of contact needed. She won't support me emotionally or safeguard my young child. My mental health issue from the past is being used against me, as to why I can't manage contact without support. I can't because the courts are trying to force me to put my child in a high risk situation where he will be neglected physically more. Plus emotionally and possible physically abused again


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2 thoughts on “Family Courts and DV

  • elisa hill says:

    I know exactly what you are going through, we had no contact set by the court, but i felt wrongly that my children need to see their abusive , violent father, they are adult men now, my youngest has his own children, and both continue to have difficult relationship with their father, its heartbreaking, its almost more painful to see your children verbally abused that when you go through violence yourself..My youngest “Joe” told me once that he wished i had stopped him from seeing his father,and the older who has learning difficulties, and Autism has also been verbally abused by him.I am sorry to have to say it but abusive, violent men do NOT LOVE THEIR children, contact is used to further manipulate and control,with a constant criticism of the already victimized Mother.”Ben” and “Joes” dad said to me once the “I cant wait until MY boys are grown up so they can see what a terrible b***h you are”..that’s not happened.I am heartbroken to have to say that its him they see through… i would recommend that you insist that he sees them at a contact center, where there are responsible people around, where he cannot poison them against you.My ex refused because he said he worked on a Saturday morning, a lie.Eventually i agreed that they could see him at his parents once a week on Sundays,but they have told me that their dad and Grandparents both put me down in front of them, i feel very betrayed by them as they are sweetness and light to my face!! after twenty years of this i have had enough, and have cut down the visits to monthly.I will have to pick them up, because verbal abuse to my autistic son happens in the car when his parent are not around, so as his parents are getting increasingly frail,i have to drive them sometimes, and don’t see why i should put myself out for Him!!

  • lynda says:

    I do know what your going through and professionals have no D/V training at all and the perpetrators can manipulate others into thinking their way. I had social services play of one against the other. I was honest with them all the way through but they still listen and believed him unfortunately. They didn’t care about my children’s feelings and bullied them as well social services my daughter stop wetting the bed over six months she stopped and then social services gave her a letter from the dad saying he was learning to drive and he was going to picked them up and take them away my daughter’s bed wetting started again. Social services blame the mother because we stay i’m not in the relationship anymore but have the after effects from it. He would manipulate them in meetings and I wouldn’t go along with it and sign anything they thought I was being difficult. One social worker said your to honest with us well why am I going to lie to them. He lied in meetings they fell over themselves to help him because I had mental health problems but so has he. When I took him to court he didn’t tell his barrister or girlfriend that he has mental health difficulties just about mine. He also said he didn’t have money to pay for a cooker or fridge so social services where about to buy them kids came home to tell me he bought a xbox one with the money he was selfish to know to but them so kids could eat. I was lucky that the judge didn’t give him access when I took him to court but told him to go through proper channels to gain access social services on the other hand knew I was taken him to court to protect us all but abused us by bringing the letters to the children they hadn’t had no contact for years before because they advised me to go through the court and stop contact a double sided information all the time from them. their dad told son on the phone he wasn;t going for contact he then sent a letter for me to go to mediation playing more emotional games my solicitor told me to tell the mediator D/V and I wouldn’t attend. Social services knew what I went through but played emotional games with me and my children in the end my kids said they didn’t want letters or contact with their dad and it was stopped. In one of the last meetings with social worker they just went on about his feeling how sad he was about the children not seeing him they didn’t care about my kids feelings or my daughters emotional health or well being they played more games with all of us. Social services didn’t even care about his new partner or her children they just said she has been told what he is like they don’t care or safeguard children with D/V they blame the women. I decided on my own back i went to the freedom programme took him to court by myself with my solicitor to get a non molestation order but I could only get an undertaking for a year so he can come back anytime. Get an advocate for your child try to get your child to speak to the judge and ask your child what they want and see if they can stop contact. Your child deserves support and so do you from the services who are failing you you both need protection because it can and does wear you down. I don’t have support from my local social services they bullied me and my kids and I won’t go down that root again but you need support to fight this or the only other solution which is to move out of area to protect you and your child. It’s a shame that the court have little training in this area hopefully more legislation should come in to protect women and children as well as some men go through the same thing D/V does and can destroy you but also it can give you strength to move forward and make a more positive life for you and your child. Have you gone to the police of refuge or other organisation who deal with D/V they might be able to support you I send my love hugs and strength to you take care and good luck. I hope their will be more training in court especially family court and public bodies in this area take care Lynda.