Everyday Victim Blaming

challenging institutional disbelief around domestic & sexual violence and abuse

Ending self blame

I struggle with self blame sometimes. I find this really frustrating. The is what I would like to say to my younger self.

I want to tell her it's not her fault. That she did her best. That she's still a child. That being hurt doesn't mean she's bad. That sometimes people chose to hurt people who are vulnerable but that being vulnerable isn't the same as being bad. That maybe she did stupid things but she didn't know better, didn't feel like she had a choice, that she was still a child. I want to tell her that being young and vulnerable doesn’t make it ok for people to hurt you. I want her to know that when she was small and she was told if she was good it wouldn't hurt, it was a lie. That some things just hurt and hurting doesn’t mean she is bad. I want to tell her that I know nobody seems to care but they are wrong, that I care. I want to tell her that people doing nasty things to her doesn't mean she is nasty. I want to tell her that yes maybe these men see something in her but what they see is not her badness it is her vulnerability.

I want to tell her that being hurt like that is not a punishment. That she doesn't deserve what they are doing. I want to tell her it's understandable that she is frightened, that she freezes, that she gives up, and it doesn't mean she is a bad person.

I want to tell her that is not her fault that nobody cares for her or that people blame her. That its not ok for people to do that.

I want to tell her that it won't always be like this. That she will get away eventually. I want to tell her that I'm scared too, that the things they did were so frightening that anyone wud be scared. I want to tell her not to feel bad about the times when she complied. That I know she did this because she was frightened, because she knew it was worse when she didn't

I want to tell her that one day someone will listen without judging her.

I want to tell her that not all men do this. That not all men enjoy hurting people. Not all men are turned on by pain and fear. Not all men what to do such nasty painful humiliating things.

I want her to know it's not her fault


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One thought on “Ending self blame

  • lynda says:

    Thank you for sharing T what you have wrote has resonated with me so much. Throughout my life and as a child I blamed myself and also as an adult I’ve blamed myself for my choices. But as I read your piece of writing I too am human and sometimes my choices like the person I married or the family I grew up in wasn’t my fault what they did to me. I have to take accountability for my behaviour as a child at times and as an adult but not for the abuse like you it wasn;t are fault for what we went through nor as an adult with my ex. We all do things wrong and we all make choices self blame eats away at a person if I only did this or did that if I got away sooner. But as a child were could we go nowhere even in my belief in God I wanted him to answer my prayers and help me get away but for years god didn’t answer me and I was left in a house that I couldn’t leave till I was old enough. The perpetrators knew were vulnerable know that they put things onto us most of my life myself my child has felt bad blamed herself felt alone and scared but like you what could we do we were kids we did what we were told to do. I see my child very scared at times very vulnerable and sad and hurt and in emotional pain im so sorry that I failed her and did nothing. More I thought back in school got into trouble but I didn’t want to be like that I wanted to be and feel like the kids in school. I felt bad sad angry scared and hated me but now I have accepted my vulnerability still a struggle at times I embrace me acceptance of me the good the bad and the ugly and slowly started to love and accept myself and my flaws my strengths and vulnerabilities. We are not mad bad ugly that is what others have tried to makes us think put upon us a children and then in toxic relationships as adults. We as children no no difference we don’t understand the games others play we accept what others put on us only when we become adults we learnt the art of game playing and manipulation. To all adults hurt as children we are more powerful more beautiful that others have led us to believe and are childhood or domestic violence does not define us non of it the abuse the lies the hate. were warriors going on a journey to discover who we are and what we can become in our own time and in our owe way with all are flaws strengths and vulnerabilities and along the way to learn and grow from others who have taken the journey before us.